Well it only makes me feel angry inside because this ongoing rejection and blame hurts so much. So I took the hurt and anger and did one of two things with it.
I both pushed myself out and beyond it and kept a good attitude through it, including chatting with my GP about this cities alcohol and drug abuse abundance and its resources, as well as, mental health stigma and improperly prescribed medications.
And, I withdrew (as my husband wouldn't talk to me), and zoned out, went and hid under the covers and remained there alone and terribly depressed even as I couldn't any longer. I just imagined myself in an alone, thirsty, starving, naked state ready to be taken to my death, .....and then thought that if I were given the choice to be suddenly removed from there and all I could do was to arrive under the covers in bed here and to remain so while terribly depressed, alone, zoning-out and still, ....would I do it. Of course.
So then I felt better about not doing anything, not going anywhere, not speaking to anyone and being there uncomfortably left alone, laying there perfectly awake while feeling betrayed, hurt, quietly crying, rejected and angry and still not making any plans to move a muscle.
Hey, I even figured that in comparison to how bad it could be, I could do this far more regularly, stay away from and out of other people's moods and shifting of accountability, and though I'd be bored silly, I'd feel somewhat protected and safe.
That is of course until trouble seeks me out, finds me and grabs hold, doesn't let go and insists that I come out and play. - (both a fear and a real possibility)
