What Makes You Sad Today

[Sarg]

Welcome to the wide, wide world of PTSD. Right now your body chemistry is going in four directions. You brain chemistry is creating all kinds of nifty new ways totally screw with you and you're sitting there wondering what the hell to do next. Guys, there is no easy way. On top of all that, it all changes in a few weeks.

Given the damage my mind does to me on any given day, and I start to think if pregnancy is any better.

What can we do? First we need to educate ourselves about the disorder as much as possible. That way , we can anticipate some problems and either head them off or reduce the damage at least. Medication is going to be a fluid process. Just as the changes occurring in you. This is where keeping a journal is helpful. You can paint a pretty good picture of what meds help.

Plainly put, PTSD is living hell. The best we can do is limiting the damage as much as possible.

Sarg

 

[Barberian]

A few days ago, someone I served with in a squadron contacted me on Facebook. I was glad to hear from him, and glad he took the effort to contact me. Then I noticed he had almost 700 "friends".... We got along pretty well. He didn't work for me, and was the same paygrade so I wasn't so anal about fraternizing.

I looked at his FB page and saw a page for the old squadron. I looked at it for a while and saw a picture of most of the people that worked for me on my last cruise. They were all happy and smiling. I wasn't in it. I have really mixed feelings, most of them sad. I was a hard ass because I felt I needed to be. I wasn't a prick just to be a prick, but I didn't give any slack either. There was a war going on, even if the declared war had ended just after we got in the Gulf. There was still a lot of bombs being dropped almost daily. I was/am proud to have been the shop supervisor.

I just wish they understood I did my best to take care of them and still get the job done. I want to post a comment on the picture, but I don't want to ruin it for anybody else who hates me.

 

[Friday]

Hey, I was always lowest of the low... But my dad came up, my godfather, too. Two things they taught me: One, If people like you, you aren't doing your f*cking job, and their deaths are on you. Period. You wanna be popular? You wanna be liked? Be a firefighter or a vet(erinarian). And two, the higher you rise the lonelier you get.

We had monthly wardroom bbqs at ours or his XOs house when they were home or in dry dock . Snicker. As kids we always took bets how many guys would be puking nervous at the first party on a new boat, especially when they'd been out to sea first. Seriously, wild around the eyes, puking nervous. My dad loves kids, and is wicked fun, but that clearly wasn't the side of him that they saw at work, so the "Holy shit the skipper is having a tea party or a super soaker battle" just didn't compute for a few months and would log on their faces hard. He was respected, but not liked. The only way you can have both is if you delegate asshole duties. Officers sometimes have that luxury. But even then, not all take it.

Being an officers brat, I'd sometimes drag my NCOs out drinking (It's not fraternizing if you're bailing Petey and my ass outta jail, consider it preemptive babysitting... usually worked. Though, to be fair, this one did occasionally end up with narrowed eyes and Pete's and my ass confined to quarters or standing watch. No good deed.) or include them in a bit of fun. We always paid for it the next day (yeah, yeah, yeah... You're not warm and fuzzy we know, we know already). But lonely f*cking sucks. I hated seeing people wear it. So it was worth the "Thou shalt still fear me" the next day. Or week. Because lonely is better than dead people. But not by a whole lot.

The smart ones know, Barbarian. Some of us dumb ones learned by watching, while others learned the hard way coming up themselves, and the rest are just effing useless. Don't sweat the useless ones. The rest of us know it.

 

[Aronoch]

What makes you sad is a very interesting topic. It makes me really think about some things I said in some other forums. What really makes me sad is no matter how hard I try to fix the mistakes that I've made I keep making the same mistakes over and over again it's such a vicious cycle that never seems to end. I try new skills that my therapist has given me to try. In one case we did some really good work in a session and I walked out the door in completely ignored what we had just talked about and did something really stupid that really in truly destroyed the woman I loved I truly broke her heart.I've tried anger management, DBT cognitive therapy and behavioral therapy, yet I still find myself hurting the one I love the most. And that truly makes me sad. It brings me to a point that it feels like there's nothing left anymore. It's like Jimmy says about being numb but it's almost beyond being numb it's like being closed off and not wanting to let anyone to get in. I've lost so many people in my life both while I served and in my family and friends. Sometimes it's hard when you wake up thinking that maybe people are better off if you weren't here. But then you think in the same moment of those that you would affect if you were to do that. The friend you have a life your family your children. But the sadness is so deep but then it jumps between anger and sadness there's like no in between, it's like I can't experience any other emotions I have moments of being happy especially when I get to see my girlfriend or I get to talk to her. But I've screwed all that out and it's brought such a deep sadness because when you love somebody so deeply and for so long. I have loved her for 26 1/2 years from the moment our eyes met. It feels like it's unrecoverable now that because of me she no longer loves or wants to be with me, but it's my own fault. I just don't seem to know what to do. I know in like 12 step programs they say you have to hit the bottom before you can start the climb up to the top and I know people that are have been there and it's true in a way but when you're always at the bottom and each time you try to climb up somebody cut the rung about you and then fall back so you jump to the next rung abovebthat one that's broken and you might grab it but then the next one breaks because of the weight. So how do you break the cycle, how do you go from either being angry or sad or feeling nothing at all. I just want what time I have left to be spent with the woman that I love than my son and be happy but because of the things I've doneI don't know if that will happen. I've tried to explain my military experience to her the best of my ability and she doesn't seem to really comprehend it and she really shouldn't have to. But she knows the rest of my history which all compounds itself. I just wish somebody could help me see the light at the end of the Tunnel because I'm tired being in the dark.

 

[Spock]

...I just wish they understood I did my best to take care of them and still get the job done. I want to post a comment on the picture, but I don't want to ruin it for anybody else who hates me.

I'm sure they did Bar...don't underestimate what they really knew.

 

[dutchiedelta]

@Aronoch, keep trying mate.
Like the cheesy commercials say: "Cos you're worth it."
Whatever the mood is, remember there is light at the end of the tunnel
Not sure if it's what we set it out to be or the 10.16 special to Hogswarts but people here can tell you it does get better.

 

[Aronoch]

Thanks I appreciate what you said. It makes sense it just hard sometimes. Like I said like as I try to get out of the sadness, but it's like Everytime I try to beark the cycle something knocks me back down.like I just found out that my ex is taking my son away and moving to Ohio. No discussion just this is what's happening and we'll do what we can for you to see them. You'll still get them on holidays and vacations but that's it. I don't know what I'm gonna do with out my son and my other kids that I've raised there whole lives. I'm so scared and sad it sucks

 

[atilla]

You CAN get through this Brother. Never give up, Never surrender. It's a long process for us to get to a point where life is better. PTSD is one long f*cking road march Ranger, I look at it that way, I've never fell out of a march, and I'm sure you haven't either Brother. We have to keep on going and adapt to whatever happens in our daily life. One moment at a time. I hope that makes sense. Peace Bro!

 

[LocaButt]

Sons of Anarchy :cry:

 

[holdenmonty]

I remember watching the first season but never watched any of the seasons after that.

 

[combatgoldfish]

I'm not sad. Hopefully they all stop f*cking each other in the ass and get back to the actual show.

 

[atilla]

Watched it till Opie got killed, then said f*ck it.