I have left my abusive partner. Over ten years of control, abuse, hell.
Still petrified that she will find me and murder me.
Still in the process of untangling all the knots. Getting back on my feet.
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Then there's her. The woman that should have protected me, helped me through thick and thin, taught me to live right. But didn't. Instead, abused me in different ways.
I didn't speak with her for a long time. That was sometimes easy, then sometimes extremely difficult. No mother.
So now she's back in my life. At first things went well. However, being the narcissist that she is, when I didn't play ball, she turned. As she always did. As she likely always will.
I made excuses for her. She must have been ill when she was traumatising me.
I thought may she'd apologise, acknowledge what she done. No chance.
I read all about abuse, psychology, dissociation, Stockholm syndrome, domestic violence, double binds, the list went on and on. I have learned so much. I know how to deal with so many problems now. I feel empowered, I really do. I would read books like "The Courage to Heal" and think "what a load of rubbish, empowerment? I'll never feel that." But I do now. It's good.
It's also bad. It means that I have to throw my mother away.
She is still the one person who has damaged me the most. Hurt me the most. Scared me the most.
Just recently, she was victim blaming me. It made me want to go back to my abusive ex. But I won't. That's death, guaranteed. So I won't.
Throwing away my mother will mean throwing away some other people too, because they're trapped in her web and can't think for themselves, can't see through her. I don't want to throw those people away. But I don't appear to have much choice.
I'm curious though, I'll linger a little while longer, I'm curious to know, how she'll react when she discovers that her abuse of me is not a secret. That actually, several professionals know, and have it on record. My side of the story. The truth.
I suppose there are several possible outcomes, ranging from pretending it never happened and I'm a liar to.. attempting to physically hurt me.
My ex and my mother hate one another. But, the have a lot in common. And the Stockholm syndrome is one thing.
What next?
Still petrified that she will find me and murder me.
Still in the process of untangling all the knots. Getting back on my feet.
---------------------
Then there's her. The woman that should have protected me, helped me through thick and thin, taught me to live right. But didn't. Instead, abused me in different ways.
I didn't speak with her for a long time. That was sometimes easy, then sometimes extremely difficult. No mother.
So now she's back in my life. At first things went well. However, being the narcissist that she is, when I didn't play ball, she turned. As she always did. As she likely always will.
I made excuses for her. She must have been ill when she was traumatising me.
I thought may she'd apologise, acknowledge what she done. No chance.
I read all about abuse, psychology, dissociation, Stockholm syndrome, domestic violence, double binds, the list went on and on. I have learned so much. I know how to deal with so many problems now. I feel empowered, I really do. I would read books like "The Courage to Heal" and think "what a load of rubbish, empowerment? I'll never feel that." But I do now. It's good.
It's also bad. It means that I have to throw my mother away.
She is still the one person who has damaged me the most. Hurt me the most. Scared me the most.
Just recently, she was victim blaming me. It made me want to go back to my abusive ex. But I won't. That's death, guaranteed. So I won't.
Throwing away my mother will mean throwing away some other people too, because they're trapped in her web and can't think for themselves, can't see through her. I don't want to throw those people away. But I don't appear to have much choice.
I'm curious though, I'll linger a little while longer, I'm curious to know, how she'll react when she discovers that her abuse of me is not a secret. That actually, several professionals know, and have it on record. My side of the story. The truth.
I suppose there are several possible outcomes, ranging from pretending it never happened and I'm a liar to.. attempting to physically hurt me.
My ex and my mother hate one another. But, the have a lot in common. And the Stockholm syndrome is one thing.
What next?
