What On Earth Is Going On With Me....

[Suzetig]

So, I've been seeing my therapist for 6 months. She seems to really get me and has helped me enormously, about 6 weeks ago we talked about moving from a cbt based approach to a more humanistic approach using our relationship to help me address significant abuse issues. Since then I've struggled, I seem to be stuck going over old stuff that we've worked on a lot and which have largely been resolved - as much as thats possible. I block her every attempt to open things up, to get to know me outside of my initial presenting issue and can't seem to accept any expression if care or concern from her.

This week I contacted her between session to ask her to contribute towards a workplace health assessment. I found out about the assessment on Wednesday, finally called her on Friday pm but am seeing her first thing tomorrow so it could have waited til session. I have massive issues asking for help so it took me 2 days to decide it would be ok to ask, then I knew I would chicken out of asking face to face so phoned her because it would force me to broach the subject. She was fine, if a bit quizzical about it given we're meeting tomorrow.

I should say, I really do want to work with her, I know she can help me with stuff I've struggled with for as long as I can remember. I like and respect her and she's incredibly consistent. I feel like I'm waiting for her to say its not working, to refer me on or terminate our working arrangement and I couldn't blame her if she did.

I can't decide if I'm purposely self sabotaging, testing our relationship/her resolve to work with me or just being awkward but it's driving me nuts. How do I broach this with her without sounding like I'm a 12 year old trying the patience of their favourite teacher.

 

[Chava]

Just want to say I can relate to lots of this....feel like I've wasted lots of time in therapy and had therapists I could never talk to...got in a rut of just talking about work and stuff. I guess I'd say hang in there. It sounds like you trust her...maybe just scared to even trust someone or actually go where the work leads? I don't know if you're on a timeline (hopefully not), but 6 months doesn't sound so long. I'm painfully shy and awkward with a new therapist for at least a year. And most people just never get to know me...it's just what feels "normal". I regret I've probably tested my therapist because I don't know what the hell I'm doing (hence therapy, I suppose!), but I'm glad I haven't given up on myself by giving up on her. The part of me that wants to erase my whole life wants to give up sometimes, but I know I can't actually erase stuff (literally or otherwise...had to give up all my numbing agents).

I've told my therapist I fear she'll give up on me...took over a year to share that, but I think it helped to get that out there. Plus she said she wouldn't....although part of me needs her to say that like 1,000 times....I don't ask for that but acknowledge it as part of my struggle, and at least she knows it's there too. On a deep level I struggle with feeling like noone can help me, the universe has abandoned me, and I'm looking at the world through a glass wall sometimes, especially when stressed and should reach out for help...that's when it's most scary. So anyway, if you feel okay bringing up your concerns, it could be helpful. Otherwise give yourself more time and don't give up.

 

[mrsps]

I also can relate to this. I remember saying to my T not long ago that "It is nothing against you but I don't think you can help me" her reply was that it was my trust issues that were doing the talking. I also asked her on another occasion did she think she could help me or was I a lost cause!! I feel I have also wasted a lot of time in my sessions by not being able to talk about stuff and spending a lot of time not talking. But I can't dwell on the past I can only work on the future. I want my T to care but on the other hand I at times try to push her away because I feel "I am not good enough" for her help.

The best advise I can give you is to always be open with your T and if something is bothering you or you want to talk something through with them, just do it! Don't worry about sounding like a child, they are used to it! Dont be scared around your T and don't be afraid of them judging you. They deal with issues like this every day, it is nothing new to them, they understand and can help work through these issues.

 

[Justmehere]

I don't think you will sound like a 12 year old at all, and if you do, that's ok too. Most therapists, especially those that deal with trauma, they run into stuff like this often. I think she would find the information helpful, and she may be guessing at what's going on already. Maybe you could start by sharing with her just what you have shared here.

 

[Suzetig]

Thanks everyone, there's something comforting in knowing I'm not the only one! I do think fear has a ug part to play @Chava. I know what I need to deal with and none of it is easy - if it was I wouldn't be in therapy I suppose. @mrsps, I know what you mean about "I don't think you can help me", I think she coud be really helpful to me but she's not a mind reader so unless I can actually talk about this stuff, she can't help. @Justmehere, I'm sure she's heard it before and I know she'll be supportive of me whatever I take to therapy, I just get really stuck taking anything new or that she hasn't heard from me before.

I'm seeing her this morning and will try to explain what's going on with me.

 

[GWhizz]

I can relate to a huge amount of what you have posted here. And I think all of it is a normal part of the therapeutic process and that you just need to try to trust in it.

We all reach points where we find ourselves 'stuck'. I wouldn't worry if you cannot get into too much just yet. Maybe just taking this time to build the relationship more is what you need until you feel more ready.

I have been seeing my T for about 6months now too (though I've actually taken a break I was finding it so heavy), and a few weeks ago when (as usual a lot of the time) I couldn't seem to talk about anything, I told my T that I felt really awkward not being able to talk etc., that I felt scrutinized by her it was so uncomfortable. She pointed out that it seemed the other way around to her, that I was in fact testing her, and that that was okay, that it is part of what I need in order to build more trust and be sure it's safe to talk to her more.

I also feel like I act and sound like a child with her. And again, this is very normal. It's super uncomfortable and why I've taken a break. But it's about feeling safe to act childish around her and in that space, when maybe this was never allowed of me in my childhood.

I would explain to her why you felt you couldn't ask face-to-face, though I'm sure she can pick up your reticence etc already. It is definitely something you need to work through with her. Though it doesn't mean anything's 'wrong' with you or the therapy, for that matter. This may sound a bit airy fairy, but at the end of the day, there is no 'normal' in therapy. Using a humanistic approach accepts just that, that you are a unique individual and need to build that relationship at your own pace.

For me, it can seem easier to push my T away, and trust me, I've already gone back and forth on this with her about a hundred times in the past 6months. But she assures me she's committed to working with me no matter what and that she can handle it all, not to worry about her, that she can take care of herself. She's also okayed all contact between sessions for added support. Maybe you ask your T to reaffirm that she is fully committed to you, confirm what extra contact is acceptable to her, and clarify that this difficult stage isn't awkward or uncomfortable to her.

I think sometimes we forget our own needs and worry about the other person more than we may need to. And I definitely do the whole self-sabotage of the relationship to try to push her to her limits and see if she can really handle me or not. I am afraid of abandonment and so prefer to be self reliant. Feeling like someone else may be actually able to help us can be scary. We've never been able to rely on anyone else so much and it can feel natural to not want to go there. You just need to see it through and do your best to work through this. I can't tell you how long this may take. But you can get through it. And part of you also really wants to give yourself that chance you deserve.

I hope your next session goes okay. Try not putting too much pressure on yourself right now.

 

[NovemberStar]

I'm not sure on the nature of your trauma, but I do know that in the cases where prolonged childhood abuse from caregivers is present, then often the therapeutic relationship can be the equivalent to exposure therapy.

It's certainly been the case with me.

 

[Suzetig]

I hadn't thought of that @NovemberStar, it's possible that's an issue for me.

@GWhizz, thanks for explaining how things are for you - I recognise so much of what you're describing. My therapist is a very experienced trauma specialist and I have no doubt she's seen all of this before. It's a good idea to just check in with her about contact between sessions etc so I'll try to do that when I see her.

I long for the time that I might reach a fairly easy, relaxed relationship with her but the thought of doing the work I need to to get to that point scares the hell out of me!

 

[Suzetig]

Well, we met this morning and just spent the time putting together the report for my health assessment, which she said she was very happy to do for me. I think she saw the process of doing what I'd asked for as therapeutic in and of itself and I felt she really recognised how hard it was for me to ask for help in the first place. She's booked another session with me on Wednesday and we'll be able to talk through my "stuff" then - which will be really helpful and possibly easier than I anticipated it would be.

Thanks everyone for your support - it's made such a difference to me.

 

[Justmehere]

That's great Suzetig! It is great sept to ask for such help - way to go for sticking it out!