What Set This Off?

[desiderata310]

Got a text from my therapist as I was getting ready this morning that he was sick and not going to be able to meet. There's nothing to be done about it. Dude is sick. That's the way of things. People are human and my therapist is human. I understand that. So, WHY did I suddenly and really without even thinking about it start cutting and now I'm holding on with everything to keep from dissociating? I'm really goddamned triggered (?)right now and I have no obvious reason to be.
Sorry folks, I'm not feeling well right now... kind of... sick and floaty...

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Possible abandonment issues? I have them too.

 

[digger]

There's nothing to be done about it. Dude is sick. That's the way of things. People are human and my therapist is human. I understand that.

Understanding that isn't the same as expecting it or being prepared for it.

Part of you was expecting to see him today and 'do therapy' and was geared up for that, even if it wasn't conscious preparation. Hopes for therapy. Fear around therapy. All the emotional investment or containment.....stuff like that...It was all geared towards having therapy in your schedule today and now has to go somewhere else or be dealt with/released in other ways....That would be my guess.

 

[desiderata310]

ok.. ok.. Those both make sense.
I have kind of felt like I was holding on till today. Crazy as it seems I've gotten accustomed to the bookend meetings each week. There is a lot of fear involved in going, but a lot of weeks that I'm telling myself "Des, you've just gotta make it another 12 hours" ok.. yeah. I might have been saying that very thing last night.
I didn't expect the spontanous cutting. After all the anxiety over almost quitting therapy last week because of well.. a really terrible trigger, this feels really... insane.
Not sure if I should tell him all this or not. I don't want to make him feel bad for missing a session but Jesus, when I miss it really f*cks with me.

 

[scout86]

Very recently you had a kind of break though, right? And now this? I wonder if it isn't some kind of a reaction, kind of abandonment related, like @Solara said. You FINALLY had something happen where a light came on and you saw that you really COULD trust this guy, now he's "not going to be there", Now what, right? Maybe all kinds of bad stuff is going to follow, because it "always does".

I'm making this guess because I just had something similar happen. Some stuff happened about a month ago and a light came on about something. Then I actually had a session where I found I COULD talk about it and he DID get it. (Even though I'd have told you earlier that I trusted him quite a bit, this was different. He said I only got it about an inch deep, that I need to get it all the way inside, and that it's not "there" yet.) For about a week, the world was a wonderful place. BUT, my T is in the middle of making some changes in his professional situation and he's kind of waffling on plans. (He's maybe not much of a planner.) And I, following a version of a long standing pattern thought, "SURE, I finally decide I can trust him and he's gone. That figures, that's the way it ALWAYS works! I'm such an idiot to have even DREAMED this would work......." You can go down that road as far as you want.

Anyway, I wonder if at some level you're not aware of, you don't have a similar scenario playing out. I'm not saying this is an accurate, reasonable way of looking at the world, just that it exists as a way of looking at the world. (They DO call it a "disorder" after all.)

 

[desiderata310]

yeah.. ok.. umm.. bawling like a baby...might have something there @scout86

 

[scout86]

Sometimes this process ain't for sissies! There have been a few times in the past couple of weeks I've found myself crying over the situation here. And I HATE that! :banghead:

BTW, I'd suggest that you DO talk to him about at least some of this. It's information that he might find useful in deciding how to approach things. For all the ups and downs of the past few weeks here, I think I've learned some stuff and it's been worthwhile. Although not much fun.

 

[desiderata310]

oh and the spontanious cutting session? in a place I can't hide as easily. Tuesday seems to be the doctor's appointment day from hell (therapy at 7:30, PHYSICAL therapy at 8:30 and follow up to doc after getting on sleep meds that afternoon) Two of those docs have no information about me being a cutter.
shit.
yay, more stress. maybe I should cancel everything.

shit. telling him is... I made him feel really bad over the last couple of weeks: the thing with the dog, the fact that he triggered me just by being present (he left the room so I could come back down from being triggered)

I'm really afraid to tell him this. I *KNOW* he's not going to lock me up for cutting. We've had that conversation very pointedly in recent weeks. We've had a conversation about my suicidal ideation and that unless I have TAKEN something or I have specifically told him I am about to do something he is not going to call anyone on me (and said he knew that this would not work for me anyway.. lots of reasons) Knowing how mistrustful I am he explained the LAW in our state to me about involuntary commitment but it still stresses me out. God I'm a mess. I can't stand being near my therapist but I can't stand NOT seeing him.

 

[scout86]

My T told me (recently) that locking people up isn't as easy as you'd think.

I made him feel really bad over the last couple of weeks

That, I think, is an assumption on your part. I'm pretty sure he's concerned about you and I'm pretty sure some of this has been difficult for HIM to deal with too. But, it's actually not his FAULT that you were triggered, and I would expect he knows that. Not your fault either. It just IS. He might have been a bit stressed at the time, and he might have been unsure what to do. Although, the fact that he had the presence of mind to step out of the room and let you regroup suggests he DOES know what he's doing.

I'm going back to one of my endless horse training analogies, ok? If I get one to work with and all I know is that it has "problems", I go on my merry way with it, like it's a "normal" horse, until we hit a snag. Maybe the first time I throw a saddle on one, I find out that causes panic, and no one bothered to mention it. My reaction is "Sorry about that horse, I see that we need to work on saddling." I'm sorry he's SCARED. I'm not sorry I scared him. I was pretty much going to HAVE to scare him to find out what he was scared of. Since he couldn't say, "Hey, Scout? I have a real problem with saddling, do you suppose we could work on that?"

This stuff is just information @desiderata310 . It's not "good" or "bad", it's just information.

 

[desiderata310]

He SAID he felt bad because he triggered me. (a couple of times)

Gaah... at least I've calmed down a bit and not feeling so floaty (thanks meds) but I still want to cut.. a lot. I've walked out of the room my stuff is in and I've put on clothes that cover the cuts. *sigh*

I also know that my therapist has a chronic illness. I am conscious of the fact that I am an extrodinarily difficult client. I know that I ADD to his being ill and his stress (doesn't take an Einstein to figure that one out). It's why I hold off contacting him a good deal of the time even though I could really use support.

I need to try to get out and so something else. I need to make a decision of what/if to tell him.
I am so glad the meds have kicked in.

 

[digger]

I need to try to get out and so something else.

Bike ride?

 

[scout86]

Early on, I noticed that once in awhile my T would flinch when I said something. Then he has this "thing" he does where he looks away, looks at the ceiling, takes a deep breath, and then rejoins the conversation. I was kind of worried that I needed to "protect him" from stuff. So, in one of my smarter moves, I asked him. He said that he's quite capable of taking care of himself.That the looking at the ceiling thing is something he does without really being aware of it, and it's a way of grounding himself. He appreciated and understood my concern, but he said he doesn't need ME to look out for HIM, that I should let HIM decide what he can and can't deal with. I think you're doing the same thing and I'd bet that your T can take care of himself too.

Yeah, could be getting out and more or less changing the subject will help. I hope so! You have the best day you can and take care of yourself!