What Set This Off?

[Leigh925]

At first I was concerned that my therapist triggered me occasionally. However it sounds odd for me to say that he triggers me in all the best ways. Every single time that I have had the courage to tell him....I have had a new breakthrough in therapy and worked on a big issue that was keeping me stuck.

Working through it IS the therapy. That is how we learn to do what we need to so we can apply it to our real lives.

Often I would edit because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. One day i told him that and he keeps reminding me that he doesn't take things the way that I do. He is emotionally not attached to my memories and to my stuff and even though he had concern for me and wishes I didn't have the things happen to be that I did...he is the therapist and can handle his stuff and when he can he sees his own therapist.

It sucks. It is the hardest thing I have ever done.

A lot of my triggers have been around abandonment as well which I think makes it really hard to speak up and be honest especially when you finally have a therapist you trust.....I have been so hard wired that if I complained or wasn't perfect I got left and the last thing I want to have happen is be abandoned hurt someone I have been so vulnerable with. It had been a battle to fight against my brain on that and share what I need to but the reward has been worth it.

Often after a breakthrough I will have peaceful nights for several days and then be back at the nightmare thing. This definitely is a roller coaster!

Best of Luck.

PS: I think I read two separate posts but combined my answer here. Hopefully it makes sense. My brain is a little overwhelmed after being with my family yesterday!

 

[desiderata310]

@Leigh925 yeah I think you did but I also think I need to go back and reread some stuff and journal about my last session(which I haven't done) I think there are related things here... I need to play connect the dots.

But... after the medicine fuzzies wear off...

 

[The Albatross]

Scout nailed it... take care Des.

 

[Cool Cat]

This sorta happened to me once, almost exactly the same thing, earlier this year. And it was one of the worst SHing I ever did to myself.
I still don't really know why. I think we do 'build up' to therapy appointments. They are the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes. They are the hope we hold onto and so when they get moved forward or cancelled, it can be devastating. And I still don't really know why. But I know that whenever my T cancels, I just feel so empty, angry and anxious.

I have kind of felt like I was holding on till today.

"Des, you've just gotta make it another 12 hours" ok.. yeah.

I don't want to make him feel bad for missing a session but Jesus, when I miss it really f*cks with me.

I can ridiculously relate to all this stuff! I've had all these thoughts too.

BUT, my T is in the middle of making some changes in his professional situation and he's kind of waffling on plans. (He's maybe not much of a planner.) And I, following a version of a long standing pattern thought, "SURE, I finally decide I can trust him and he's gone.

Sh*t, mine has mentioned plans too :wideeyed::wideeyed::wideeyed::wideeyed:
He changed my time because he wants to see more people. He's even mentioned ideas to change the furniture in the room. Does that mean he's going to leave me?

 

[scout86]

Does that mean he's going to leave me?

Probably not. LOL

Mine is actually leaving the town where I've been seeing him. And, because he's his ADHD self, he hasn't exactly firmed up his plans for "what happens next?" My regular appointment is on Thur & we've got 2 holidays in a row, He's done at the current place 1/1, We did set up an appointment for Tues. I REALLY hope he's got things sorted out by then! I told him once that I didn't care what he did, as long as I knew beforehand. That I didn't want him to do one of those deals like when the parents move with no forwarding address when the kid's in school. He laughed. I THOUGHT he knew I was serious....

 

[desiderata310]

@scout86 my parents up and moving while I was at school was actually one of my fears as a kid. My parents moved a great deal; every three months or so, some times more. Often we wouldn't even unpack properly because we were going to be moving again. If my therapist reacted like that I probably would have dissolved into a puddle right there.

My SH has been a little out of hand today. I thought I was done but I wasn't. I don't know what the hell is going on with me. One good day and HEY! I'm cured.. followed by more symptomatic for days. I guess I'm making up for lost time?

I thought if I went out and did a hike/walk/run I would feel better. And I did, for about 20 minutes after I got home. I took a shower, walked into my bedroom, plopped down and started again. *sigh* I'm kind of not ok today.

I did email my therapist:

I'm really sorry you are ill so.. yeah.. probably wait till you feel better to read this...

I can't write this and not sound self serving and childish and freaked out. It'll be nothing short of a miracle if you get to read this at all since I've stopped and deleted this about 7 times already.

Ok.. try not to sensor.. and yeah I know that you want me to talk in session and that's great but I CAN NOT say this in session. I KNOW I can't if I've spent the last 4 hours trying to write it.

I don't know why but after you texted me and told me you couldn't make it this morning, I kind of had a spontanious cutting session. Big freaky part? I got your text I felt concerned for you (thought 'poor T. Stupid Lyme disease') then I don't know... I went over found my stuff and sat down and started cutting and never even gave it a second thought. Felt really sick and dizzy and out of it most of the morning. I don't get it.

I'm sorry I am adding to the stress. I really am. I know this isn't your fault. I'm sorry. And now I'm back to babbling.

sorry. I hate my brain. I think I'll just stay in bed today.

HAH.. yeah. I put a trigger warning in an email to my THERAPIST. *face palm*
I now regret sending it. I feel like an ass. WHY can't I just be OK? Why does this have to be a thing?

OH lawd, @Cool Cat , you should try to wade back the posts of through my insecurities over the summer when my therapist moved offices and when my insurance took a shit and my therapist took me on basically for free. I have to admit, I laughed when I read your post because all I could think was "damn! are we all that insecure in the same damn way?!"

 

[scout86]

"damn! are we all that insecure in the same damn way?!"

Maybe not all, but a lot, it seems!

Awww @desiderata310 , I'm so sorry you're having to go through this! I like your email! It doesn't sound exactly like one of mine, but the tone is kind of like some of mine. Hang in there! I've got to believe it will get better!

Oddly, coming home and finding the rest of the family had left me behind was kind of a fantasy of mine. As in, I thought it would be a GOOD thing. LOL My T running away and leaving me behind, on the other hand, kind of freaks me out. It's a VERY strange world!

Take care of yourself!

 

[Tinyflame]

WHY can't I just be OK?..

Not sure if this is helpful at all, but when I get triggered in any circumstance, or suicidal, or need to run away, or feel despairing, I try now to let it be as much as I can, with the understanding that I don't know all details, or context. I don't understand all (any?) things, & how I see it or feel isn't necessarily accurate, though it may be. Mistrust, fear etc will arise, accurate or not, I expect them to be inevitable. But the only choice I have is trying to choose how to respond. I think ptsd sends off alarms, pressure for action. It's hard not to resort to fight +/or flight.. Difficult situation I know. :(

 

[desiderata310]

well.. multiple posts here, an embarrassing email, meds, a 3.5 mile trot over some dirt, lots of cutting, and some pictures of bunnies from my daughter later... I'm better.
I'm still wishing I had not sent the email. I'm still confused by my response since I didn't actually FEEL anything when he texted me this morning.
I kinda give up trying to figure out the WHY of what I do. It's my brain and I don't have a clue! I LIVE in this grey matter! You'd think I would be able to sort this out.
*sigh*
thank you for listening to me panic all day.

 

[falling_wave]

I always "save up" tough things to deal with I'm therapy where it will beore usefully thought about than if I obsessed over it. I also have to admit that in a totally ethical way I am pretty attached to my therapist. That attachment is what makes me able to cope with the intense feeling of sharing some of my struggles. It is my trust and respect for her and the relationship we have. I also get triggered when she cancels but I have learned to make a back up plan for how go deal with the feelings if that happens and make sure you can put the next session in your calander. I also find it helpful posting here as it feels like I am releasing some of the power myou emotions have by sharing even if it's virtually. I hope you feel better.

 

[desiderata310]

So I actually had a really good session today. We did the full hour instead of 45 minutes because he felt that I was actually holding up really well.

We talked a bit about the cutting that I did after he cancelled. He said that NOTHING I was doing was actually a surprise. (really? because it's surprising the hell out of me!) He said that we are just getting to a place where I kind of trust him (true enough). The cancellation was a blow to me for a couple of reasons: part of me was saying "Yep, I knew it! Something was bound to go wrong" and Part of me has come to look forward to the sessions and it's a little devistating when they aren't there and all of this was coming on the heels of a couple of really difficult weeks of sessions where I was not even sure I was going to continue going to therapy because I felt so unsafe.

At least this all makes sense to him

He chided me (luaghingly) for passing the office and not waving yesterday as I passed him getting out of his car. I could not help it; I started crying. He kept saying that what I had was a ritual that made things feel safer. That it was OK for me to do those things. ummm... ok or not, I'm doing them.