What Should I Do?

[LostBear325]

I have very frequent flashbacks, and they vary. Sometimes they are long and scary, and other times they are short and dealable. But no matter what, whenever i have one my girlfriend gets angry. She says that she doesn't feel like dealing with it.
What should i do?

 

[BigBear]

I'm afraid that all I can say is she's not acting very caring. I'm a supporter for 14 years. !2 of them undiagnosed. I always cared. Maybe sometimes I didn't care well enough, but I knew that i had to deal with it...

I know that it's not very encouraging, but sometimes the truth isn't.

Bear

 

[mamachick]

Just wondering-how long have you been with this girlfriend? Do you know of any reason that she has, such as her own diagnosis, that may cause her to be see so uncaring?
What happens when you have these flashbacks? Is there any violence in the relationship?

Sorry to ask so many questions-I have found that I should not make assumptions and attempt to be responsive to others.

 

[Addy]

Lostbear,

I'm sorry that you feel so unsupported. I think brat17 may have hit on something when he asked if she had any issues that may be causing her to feel uneasy being around you when you have flashbacks. Perhaps they frighten her? Maybe she has some unresolved issue herself, and being around you when you are like that makes her feel very uncomfortable. It may not be about you at all... but rather her own inability to handle the emotions/feelings seeing you like that stirs up? Of course this is all just speculation on my part, and I'm certainly not defending her behavior in any way. I wish for your sake she could be there for you because I know first hand how hard flashbacks are. I hope you can discuss the issue with her. Best wishes!

 

[mamachick]

Addy may be right. I am not defending her either. I am not comfortable around people who express anger-I cant help it. My sister felt that I deserted her because I fled at her anger eventually. Initially I cringed when she screamed (usually at her dogs). Actually, I am triggered a lot by others expression of anger, particularly if directed at me.

Yet when I have had flashbacks and flee, eventually I have gotten really mad, and want to strike before I am struck(verbally but Im sure it could become physical if backed into a corner.) That scares me and makes me nervous.
I also hope you can talk it out and talk to a T for some solutions.

 

[OKRADLAK]

((((BEAR)))) This is so hard. I have had several people I let in. Some where kind, one liked to try to beat it out of me, literally. It made him so mad he would hit me. But he was my best carer, if you can believe it. He tried so hard. This disorder is a bt*ch.

If she can't handle it, she has some hard decisions and so do you. It HURTS BEYOND BELIEF when you have a carer bail. The terror and flashbacks and hideous hell was almost as bad as the trauma itself. I grew to love him and then he left. You need to be sure she can handle it or you can get hurt badly..........be careful!

 

[LostBear325]

Just wondering-how long have you been with this girlfriend? Do you know of any reason that she has, such as her own diagnosis, that may cause her to be see so uncaring?
What happens when you have these flashbacks? Is there any violence in the relationship?

Sorry to ask so many questions-I have found that I should not make assumptions and attempt to be responsive to others.

we have been together for over 2 years and live together

 

[LostBear325]

A lot of people have left me in my past, whether it was family or friends or a boyfriend/girlfriend. I am scared that she will be just like them. I hate the fact that it is basically like my flashbacks and problems are the biggest problem in our relationship. It makes me feel terrible and sometimes think she would be better without me. She says sometimes that i am selfish. All i really want is for us to be okay but i have no clue how to make that happen. she keeps pushing me to go to a counselor and get help but i just dont think im ready yet. i tried that last year and i started to get even worse. i didnt even feel like me anymore i was just a shell and i dont want to feel like that again.

 

[Froggie]

((((LostBear)))), I can feel what you mean that you started to get worse with counseling. Unfortunately, there is that phase ... a confronting phase that we have to go through ... it's in analogy to child birth if you want ... very painful but has great benefits afterwards. I know of few PTSDers that deliberately let their symptoms take over their relationship as they are basically NOT selfish people. Sending you a helping hand, for me, when I finally got the right meds, that really helped the therapy sessions. Maybe it would be the adjustment you need. It's so different from one person to another.

When you started dating your Gf, was she comprehension and compassionate, or was she like she is now ? As BigBear mentionned, he has been a carer for years, so it is part of his personality. I'm sure he must think of himself and must set up some barriers (stuff that he refuses to be dished out with). PTSDers need to relearn limits, I had to. I also realized that being humble about what I was going through did a lot of good.

 

[mamachick]

Lost Bear said "lot of people have left me in my past" I have the same experience. We will keep returning to that painful experience until we deal with it. We even chose people who will not be available to prove we are right-whatever the primary thought such as (they will leave me, Im not lovable, Im not worthy). Of course we do not do this on a conscious level but none the less it is very real until we actually deal with those most painful issues. You are very lucky that you are young and have the benefit of therapy at this age before life becomes very complicated. I know its hard to believe, but if she is unable to be with you through your healing, you are better off getting out of the relationship now.

I married at 17 to a hothead bi-polar abuser. After 7 years, I escaped. Five years later I re-married the calmest man in the world. He never got mad at me. He accepted everything about me and never asked for anything. I was so glad to have no drama in my life and avoid rage, I did not notice that he was very disconnected. We could never be emotionally intimate because he was totally out of touch with his feelings. As I healed, I wanted that connection. The truth was, I was totally alone in that relationship. He did not want to change. Bottom line, totally different men, both emotionally unavailable.

 

[LostBear325]

((((LostBear)))), I can feel what you mean that you started to get worse with counseling. Unfortunately, there is that phase ... a confronting phase that we have to go through ... it's in analogy to child birth if you want ... very painful but has great benefits afterwards. I know of few PTSDers that deliberately let their symptoms take over their relationship as they are basically NOT selfish people. Sending you a helping hand, for me, when I finally got the right meds, that really helped the therapy sessions. Maybe it would be the adjustment you need. It's so different from one person to another.

When you started dating your Gf, was she comprehension and compassionate, or was she like she is now ? As BigBear mentionned, he has been a carer for years, so it is part of his personality. I'm sure he must think of himself and must set up some barriers (stuff that he refuses to be dished out with). PTSDers need to relearn limits, I had to. I also realized that being humble about what I was going through did a lot of good.

Well, when we first got together she didnt know every thing happened. I didnt feel comfortable telling her everything when i didnt really even know her. I eventually told her everything and she started to get overwhelmed. And yes, that understandable. And she was supportive in the beginning but i slowly noticed that she stopped being so supportive and would start going out with her friends without inviting me. so its like im just alone ... again.

 

[Srain]

Welcome to the site LostBear, I think that depending on the person in our relationship to be the only one to take on all of our "stuff" can be more than overwhelming for the most devoted person in a relationship with a PTSD Survivor. I went years on and off in therapy with my husband and the truth is it's an extremely heavy load to expect him to carry. As patient and loving as he is there is a breaking point, I had to have outside help, professional help.

It sounds like she has set a boundary for you and that's that you receive therapy. You did and stopped. She's going out, stepping back from the relationship. You feel abandoned.

Forgive me for being so blunt but it seems to me that you might have set some of this up yourself. Two years is a long time. There is a post in the Supporters Relationship "Should I Stay Or Should I Go" (I had trouble attaching the link) it asks a lot of great questions of ourselves and Supporters.

I'm glad you are here,
peace,
Rain