Relationship What Should I Make Of This?

[Cannon Fodder]

Not long before I broke up with my ex, we agreed to go without talking for a while. It was mutual and there was no big argument.

After about a week, she caved in and called me and said how much she missed me, and that not talking to me for a week felt like not talking to me for a month. For the next week, things were normal.

Then the week after she had several stressful things happen to her at once. One week later she was ignoring my calls and texts.When I finally got to ask her why she didn't respond, she said "It wasn't an emergency, was it?" I got angry and ended it there.

A few weeks later we end up talking and clearing the air a bit. That talk was one of the best I have ever had with her. She told me most of what had happened in her life - an amazing accomplishment for someone who bottles her emotions. She told me she didn't feel ready for any relationship at all. I told her I couldn't just turn off my feelings for her, and she made it clear that she did have feelings for me and she couldn't just turn them off either. Overall, a productive conversation.

A few weeks go by, and last night I talked to her because both of us are going to be at the same gathering soon. I wanted to make sure there wouldn't be any awkwardness between us. And honestly, I had been wondering why she felt she wasn't ready for any relationship.

So I asked her why, but she didn't give much of an answer. She just said she didn't feel ready. She also said she wasn't interested in me. It was like she really did just flick a switch and turn her feelings off for me. Odd thing is, she didn't do it just to me. She always had something for the boyfriend she dated before me, even while we were dating. All of a sudden, she had no feelings for him, for me, or for any guy. She was adamant about remaining single.

On the one hand, she sounded better and less stressed than previously. She sounded more positive. But she sounded a bit cold, uncaring and un-sympathetic. Her viewpoints on things sounded different - almost like I was talking to a different person. But she still sounds like she cares for the friends she has in her life.

I understand when someone with PTSD is going through stress can detach and feels numb. But what am I supposed to make of this? She sounds more focused yet more uncaring. I am totally confused.

 

[ProudWife99]

Cannon - Your confusion is warranted. Our loved ones tend to behave in ways that logically and rationally make little sense to us. We can't try to put their emotions, outrages, and triggers into neat and tidy categories of understanding, because PTSD follows no rules or codes.

Sometimes in the thick of things, especially in my experience, sufferers can do exactly what you mention above, shut down. When my husband does, he still goes to class, focuses on school, talks to his school friends and anyone who doesn't truly know him. However, me, his family, my family, even our dogs get the cold shoulder and he openly admits he just doesn't feel anything for us. It isn't us he can't feel, it's the reality of what he is going through that has overwhelmed his senses and for his own safety he, as you said, flips a switch.

Patience is about the only advice I can offer you in those situations. Only you can be totally sure what you can and cannot handle from situations as those, but you are not alone in how she is feeling. Her focus is good because it shows her she can concentrate, be productive, and have outside relationships. She may choose those because they know little of the "real" her with her all to real problems. I sometimes find myself shutting everyone out but friends I've only known for a short time because they don't ask me the tough questions.

Patience and space, my dear. I wish I had more than that. Be sure to continue to take care of yourself! Praying for you both!

 

[amethist]

Hi Cannon

I understand this must be hard for you, to hear her say she has no feelings for you, yet she cares about her friends.

This is where the understanding has to come in.

Some sufferers struggle with close relationships, but can have what seems close with friends. This is because with friends they can be who they want to be, but in a relationship they are who they have to be.

With friends they can put on a mask, hide all the issues and be the life and sole of the party. In a relationship it is just reality. They can find this much too hard, so dont do the relationship thing.

Maybe reading the following link will help you see how it can be for them, a bit more.

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/[/DLMURL]

Hope this helps a bit.

Amethist

 

[Pale Warrior]

Hi Cannon Fodder,

Your (X?)GF needs help that you can't give her. From your intro, there are plenty of events in her past that could lead to a diagnosis of PTSD and that is what she needs, a diagnosis and some therapuetic support that she can accept. There are some great threads on the range of "therapies" available, including alternatives to meds and talking therapy.

You have been together for 7 months, sorry to say not long in the big scheme of things, and you have encountered the bumpy road we supporters face. If she does agree to getting a diagnosis AND help, you will have to accept this is just the tip of the iceberg and be in it for a long and painful ride.

Please read the supporter threads and see for yourself, get informed on what you may be commiting to.

Also, ask yourself why you would want to get in to a long term relationship with someone who acts like this. Seriously, list your motivations, if any of them involve healing her or getting her better: score them out. Only she can do this (with professional support).

I may sound a bit tough and negative, and I appologise if it is inappropriate, but today is a bad day for my OH and I am feeling the strain. I have no idea why anyone would willingly walk into the pile of :poop: that PTSD leaves in its wake.

Best of luck to you both, whatever you may choose.

 

[ProudWife99]

Pale Warrior - I'm sorry to hear you're having a difficult day. There are many days I wake up and ask myself the same question. My single friends who have issues with their boyfriends say to me "If you and A can get through all of that, him and I can get through this!" I just want to scream! We were married. I love him and am willing to support him through anything, but as a sufferer myself I had no idea how detremental the relationship could be on my own recovery. Sometimes I want to scream "GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN!" I feel your frustration and am sending you a virtual hug.

 

[Cannon Fodder]

Wow! First off, thank you everyone for your responses and insights.

Proudwife - Thank you for letting me know the "flip switch" is something that does occur in people with PTSD. I realize each person with PTSD can act differently, so knowing this is somewhat common is a bit relief. To have someone go from telling me she missed me a lot after just a week to saying she felt nothing for me in a short period of time was heartbreaking and confusing. At least I know why the change in attitude.

Amethist - One of the first things I appreciated about this site was the "cup" example. And what you describe does sound like her - she has what seems like close relationships. I know she has friends that really care for her, but I realize she only lets them in so far. Yes, she'll tell them some things from her life, but she'll be selective. For instance, she might tell them that her older brother died in a fire, but she'll leave out that she blames herself for it. As far as I can tell, she doesn't truly have a best friend that she confides in; all I know is she shared a surprising amount of information with me, even though she has known others longer.

Pale Warrior - I agree that she needs help that I can't give. I do not believe that I can heal her in any way - all I can do is point her in the right direction. Years ago I was in a relationship with a person that I thought I could "help", and that girl acted like only I could "help" her. I learned the hard way that a relationship built on such thoughts won't last and will only bring me pain and grief. I have NO desire to go through that again. I don't mind being supportive of someone, but I'm not gonna be anyone's crutch. Ultimately, she needs to get herself healed, to the best extent possible.

To be honest, when I met this girl, I was impressed with her personality. Both of us are very religious people and it formed a common ground for us. Her focus and organization in life is something I still do admire and I even feel I can learn from. She was always open about some of her background in life, and knowing what she had faced and how far she came impressed upon me the strength of her character. And when we started talking, it would almost never end - even when we tried otherwise, our conversations would be a minimum of 3 hours, often times it was longer. We would talk about everything and anything, usually until she fell asleep on the phone.

There weren't many signs that she gave in the time I knew her that she had PTSD. The one time I'd say there was a possible warning sign was when the area faced a possible natural disaster. On its own that one time didn't seem to indicate much. It really has taken me all this time to figure out what she is up against.

Fortunately, she has agreed to read literature on PTSD. On top of that, she promised to talk to a mutual friend that was diagnosed with PTSD many years ago and has learned to cope with it. (Unbeknownst to her, this mutual friend definitely believes my x-GF has PTSD.) I can only hope something sinks in and she acts on it so maybe she can live with less of the guilt and pain in her heart. Yes, I realize our relationship wasn't long in the grand scheme of things; at this point I just want her to just get better.

The question is: Will she come out of this "switched off" mode? If and when she does, what should I expect?

Sorry for the ultra-long post. But if you read the entire thing, thanks!

BTW, I love that this site has :poop: as an insertable symbol. :roflmao: