What Switches That Cut-Off Feeling Back to Wanting Support?

[Bella78]

I apologise if this thread is inappropriate in terms of where I have placed it or what it asks.

At the risk of sounding a tad desperate to have my husband back in our home (he has moved out, for now temporarily, although he says he is undecided what he wants to ultimately happen), I wondered if any of the PTSD sufferers reading this may have some idea of what switches (albiet gradually) that feeling of wanting to remove your loved ones from the equation, back to wanting their love and support?

I have given my hubby space for some time and in the last couple of days have had some contact with him. Since joining this forum and doing a lot of research into the details of PTSD I have begun to understand what he needs me to be for him so much more. I have briefly communicated this with him and he has appeared to respond well. I have also made some gentle gestures/favours toward him and he has responded with shy "thank you"s, as opposed to the "LEAVE ME ALONE"s I was getting a few weeks ago.

So as long as I am getting positive responses, should I gently continue this distant support? Making contact via caring acts every couple of days? Or should I just go back to no contact at all and wait for him?

I have metioned to him that if anyhing I do is pushing him I would like him to tell me, as I can't guess what his boundaries are for sure. Is this appropriate or not?

I really don't want to mess this up. I want him to give me a chance to be a suitable support. Since so many of you trust in the care of your wonderful significant others, I thought maybe your feedback could help.

Thanks in advance.

 

[juandosperros]

It's 40 years and I still don't trust anyone completely.
My sig. other of the last 10 comes closest.
For me the most important thing if to make sure what you DO matchs what you SAY.
That's an almost non-existent reality in today's world.

 

[Deleted member 93]

Bella, I am really going to come back to this... I am just having PTSDy days of my own add up and being symptomatic and can't answer coherently. But I will come back to this one! I may even try to get hubby to answer in his way. If he does it will be very short and sweet.

 

[batgirl]

I don't know if I qualify to answer as I'm not in a relationship, but I do have PTSD and I did cut contact with my family completely for 5 years. In my case, running off was a way to deal with my trauma... not a good way obviously, but it was my way to cope at the time. I didn't want contact with anyone I knew actually, because the pain was too great. They reminded me of what happened and I wasn't ready to deal with that. Before I ran off, I was in hospital recovering from having being shot (that is my trauma), and my family was being so nice to me that I felt guilty. I felt like I didn't deserved their love. At the time I blamed myself for the trauma. Maybe part of it is he is hurting and wants to be alone? That is how it was for me.

When I was reunited with them, I was the one to re-initiate contact, when I felt ready. Of course my case is different because I was literally on the run and they didn't know where I was. They searched for me, and I knew all along that they cared, and I think knowing that they cared was what made me come back to them eventually. I don't know if that helps or not... obviously I hope you don't have to wait 5 years for your husband!

 

[Bella78]

Oh Evie, I must admit I had wondered what your traumatic event was. I am sorry, but I am sure you are tired of hearing that. Probably what you would rather hear is well done for getting where you are now, no matter how long it took, that is all behind you now.

Yes, I sure hope I don't have to wait 5 years too. I have made a decision though that at the moment I am prepared to wait as long as it will take him. Although I suspect not a good idea to let him know that as it may prolong it. Either that or perhaps it will help him trust me better again if he sees I am dedicated... I don't know.

I certainly agree with your suggestions that he is hurting so much that he wants to be alone. I think that is the case. He isn;t really alone. He has contact with "friends", not close friends, unfortunatley not many of them are pulling together around him right now. They are all pissed with him for his broken promises ( he has been promising the unachievable - a symptom I suspect?).

Evie you say that you didn't want contact with anyone you knew, because the pain was too great and that they reminded you of what happened and you weren't ready to deal with it. My sister suggested that was what she thought he may be thinking. I agreed she was probably right and told her she was very wise to see it that way. But she has battled depression so maybe she sees things from a sad mind's point of view a bit better.

You also said you felt like you didn't deserved your family's love. It is very sad, but I do also agree that my husband feels like that. I would rather not go into what happened with him out of respect for him, but I know he feels a MASSIVE amount of guilt over what happened. So much so that it is consuming him.

I hope he can begin to forgive himself and realise he is worth the effort we all want to put in and that he needs to put in in therapy. I also hope he allows himself to love and be loved again. I am sure I will never stop loving him, even if he decides he does not love me anymore.

 

[Bella78]

Bella, I am really going to come back to this...

I very much look forward to your thoughts and I hope your day gets better.

 

[Deleted member 93]

I have to get a question answered first if you don't mind as it makes a difference. Is he in treatment and what sort? I know I read he was overworking himself but I am failing to recall what treatment is going on if any.

 

[Bella78]

First of all, yes he is working, but that is ALL he does. And I am not exaggerating at all. He works and soemtimes he eats and gets 5-6 hours sleep each night. Then he crashes after a few days and can't stop sleeping, like sometimes only for a morning (gets up at lunch) and sometimes all day or for 2-3 days. Twice he has not been able to get out of bed for over a week.

Now yes, he is sort of in treatment, but has only had one proper session so far and that was over 4 weeks ago now. He has said he plans to keep at it but he is too busy now and will go back in the new year. I am happy with that and am not pushing it. If he says he will go back I believe him and trust he sees the benefit in it. Only thing is, he doesn't even understand PTSD properly. Now that I understand a bit better I know that for sure.

This treatment he is started on is a combination of a few natural therapies including primarily hypnosis and something that involves having some probes on his head and looking at brainwave activity on a screen and then he retrains his thoughts so hisbrainwaves do not flucuate so much. I don't really know, that sounds a bit vague, but you might know what I mean.

The one session he has had so far was not meant to be a commencement of the 12 session program. His Psychologist said it was to get him to a point that he could cope with someting stressful he had to go do.

I am going to find out exactly what his treatment is and get back to you on that.

 

[Deleted member 93]

Biofeedback is great. You may want to run some searches on CBT too. There is a lot of information how that works found freely on the web. The two combined would do a lot of good! They are both about changing the way you think and respond. I am a big supporter of CBT since this worked so well for me.

Really, while types of therapy are important I was mainly asking if he was in any form of it to try to get an idea where he is with his PTSD. Which admittedly is next to impossible without speaking or typing with someone. You say he is in therapy which means he is well aware he has issues and is beginning to work on them. This is great! Some times it can take years for someone to realize they have something that needs to taken care of. Even after therapy starts he may find himself waffling on if he has it or not. I still do when I have a run of good days. But you must be firm with him that he goes back to therapy for himself when he says he is. If he won't help himself it can leave the chance of reconciliation nil.

Now see, I think you may have an actual good chance for your marriage and him wanting to lean on you compared to many carers that post who are actual pests that are sabotaging their relationships with pressure and looking for a simple answer or fix. Judging from your postings I have read you are not looking for responses that are just what you want to hear. You are asking questions of the sufferers. You are learning about PTSD. All your threads are not poor pitiful mes. You realize he has the problem, a disorder that is a personal living hell and he is not trying to just victimize you. And you don't sound petty. Now if this is how you act in person you have a good chance and so does your husband in healing. Now you just have to make sure you do not allow yourself to be a walking mat in the process to him! Yeah, it is difficult to learn this beyond trial and error.

First ask him point blank what his hard boundaries are as you have to know this so you don't set a month or two of progress back for your relationship. Like 1 phone call a day? 2? From him or from you? Inform him you are certainly not a mind reader so he has to tell you for both your benefits. Keep questions brief, short and very simple that do not require a lot of actual thought since even the simplest things right now are likely all "life and death" size for him. Not questions like does our marriage have a chance nor bombard him with little ones. If you are getting positive responses from him right now continue what you are doing. Just don't go beyond that. Follow his reactions just like you are. You are on the right track.

I would offer if you haven't to let him him know you are willing to go to the doctor with him if he would like. I think this is a huge one many people overlook. When I was going to the doctors all the time and my PTSD was very out of control I had hubby in tow. My doctor understood what I was saying way better than my husband did. And visa versa. So my doctor would mediate us and gave us tools for us in our hairy areas that we could not see eye to eye on. He told me where I was going wrong that was unreasonable. He taught hubby how to view and understand some of my "quirks" with this and what was unreasonable expectations. Couples counseling with the psychologist treating his PTSD is imperative when you are trying to have a new relationship with a new person which is exactly what you are trying to do once PTSD comes out to play. They can be a godsend to help navigate those rocky waters. It will give you so many tools to help him. If he wants nothing to do with it then it is OK. Set up your own appointments. It will help you with the burden of learning how to act with him. Doc won't tell you a thing about him but since he knows him and treats him your advice will still be a bit customized.

Thing is it is so individualized to the person when they come out of their shell. There is no set time. Unlike Evie's case he has not cut you completely out, he has put distance between you but sounds like he is maintaining contact.

He does need to get back to the doctors asap. He is trying to stuff his issues right now and not face them. Even if he is making steps in the right direction to do so eventually. Drowning himself with work is so his brain is kept too busy to allow shit to invade in. In the end whether a month or 2 years or more this will backfire severely in his face. When it does... Oh it ain't a damn bit of fun. You think he has problems now, they will multiply then.

I never left my husband. I went on extended vacations at the drop of a hat instead! Eventually I learned there was no running from my problems, they were with me no matter where I was. I would leave and go hunting and get wasted out in the woods. I left with my buddy who has this but controls it very well with meds (mine won't work like that, meds made it worse). He understood exactly what I was going through so I was drawn to him since he got it. I did not have to talk about it or explain things, just by him having it he knew. I would blow up at him too. He always reacted calmly, and that was something my husband learned to do too. I will tell you one thing, if you remain calm with no guilt trips and say it is OK, I know you hurt and leave it at that... Oh lord, he will feel guilty for it later. He likely won't feel bad if you fight back and play this game he tries to tangle you in. It is normal to do this when trying to push someone away for a heads up.

In the end there is no switch, not one thing that will just turn things around. It is an accumulation of little things and those things are very individual. You are figuring them out because you are getting good responses now. He will likely push you away again in the process. This will not mean you did something wrong really. I mean it could but pushing and pulling is what PTSDers do so he may push away again simply because it is nature of the beast.

Just keep up what you are doing and try the suggestions. you are on the right track. And that is a big deal around here! Take care of yourself during this a much luck. I hope some of this made sense and helps.

 

[Bella78]

Thanks so much Veiled. It is great to get all of that from your perspective. And thanks for sharing so much. It ALL made sense, not just some of it.:smile:

I may respond to some of this in more detail later, once i am at home, as I am now at work, but for now just want to respond to a couple of points.

Very glad to hear you think we have a good chance. It is just the kind of encouragment I really need right now. A bit upset today to be honest, will explain.

I do plan of asking him point blank what his boundaries are, but I am realy trying to choose my moment with it. I expect that even just gently probing about that, no matter how important, he will hear it as nagging. So I want to wait until I feel he is as receptive as possible. A few good reactions in a row and i think I am nearly ready, then we have a set-back, and he verbally abuses me or something similar and then I back right off again and "start over". Give him space, then gently contact and/or make helpful gestures, and so on.

Like today there has been a set-back, as I eluded before. I was terribly worried about him 2 days ago as he told me he had been vomiting on and off for almost 2 weeks. So I called our Dr (GP) to see if he had been there and ask if he thought 2 weeks of vomiting was of concern (he thinks he may have an ulcer). So his Dr called him to check up on him. Then today I get a messgae on my phone from hubby saying, "Thanks for getting the Dr onto me, he made me feel like a piece of s#*t. Why don't you f*#k off and leave me alone, you make my life hell." I just replied to tell him that the Dr called off his own back, not because I asked him to and that I was sorry that he is upset but please understand I only care and have no intentions to cause anguish.

So that was a bit tough to take after 4 days of steady progress. Quite a few "Thanks you"s etc.

I am beginning to see a pattern. As long as it's just me gently easing contact it seems OK. As soon as other people butt in (e.g. family, GP) he blows his top again and I cop it! For God's sake, i need to educate everyone around him now that I am starting to get it myself, don't I?

As far as going to the Dr with him goes, I have always done this. I went to the majority of even his Psychiatrist visits with him. Always been to the GP with him when it had been about PTSD and I went to his first session with the Psychologist with him. Apparently it isn't appropriate for me to go to his subsequent sessions as he will be undergoing hypnotherapy etc. i may contact him to see if I can have my own info sessions with him every now and then. Good idea. I have phoned him a couple of times in the past few weeks to be honest, to feel him out about a few things. But he tells me he can't interpret much as he has not had the chance to delve enough to know his specific case well enough yet.

I am not prepared to push the psychologist visits with him at all yet. I realise he needs to go ASAP, but it is not going to happen before the end of the year and It can wait. I might sneakily get a time pencilled in, as the therapist is so backed up, if we wait to book something in the new year, we may have a bit of a wait. this way when hubby is ready (hopefully) when he calls there may just happen to be a slot free....

Slow and steady wins the race i keep telling myself. You have reinforced that for me, plus a few little tips i can really take on board.

Thanks so much again.

 

[Deleted member 93]

Later he will see you were concerned and only trying to help. Now puking for weeks or days on end is really not that uncommon. I get that way at times too as so many here. I hate nausea as normally if I get sick once it is everything I have to get it under control within a week now, this is actually improvement. May I give a suggestion instead of going to the doctor over a symptom? Sprite, crackers, and ensure (a nutritional shake). Those combined seem to really help. The first two can calm the tummy for intermittent times long enough to get an ensure down so I am not dizzy and faint from lack of food.

Does he allow visits? If so make a care package of these items and if you can go in the place he is at put these in the fridge for him as if he allows you in for the process of just putting them in the fridge so they are ready to go does show care. It shows you care and are caring for him without him being overbearing. Since vomiting is hard and takes awhile to get under control I suggest at least a case of sprite zero (no sugar or caffeine as both are bad) and it is the bubbliest out there for burping. 2 boxes of saltines or a few bags of oyster crackers (bite size saltines). Several cans of the nutritional shakes.

It is very tricky when to call in outside help. You will learn in time just like you are now when it is important to "tattle" and not. Doctors become so much of our life they are overbearing to us too and a loved one going to them can feel like we are a kid being tattled on and invading our space or that we are treated like a child who cannot function alone. Albeit that may be close to true at times it won't help. Nice thing about docs, we have a set appointment and know that for an hour on a planned day we have to deal with it. Surprise call out of the blue probably overwhelmed him. Now if he gets suicidal all bets are off. And I mean really suicidal, not the angry threats just to piss you off. If you have not had this pleasantry yet you are lucky. It is sometimes used to make you feel like shit back if you are making them feel bad even if unintentional.

You are learning. Keep asking questions and I suggest take to use the ones you think he will respond to and the ones that are unanimous in response from us. You are doing great, keep it up.

 

[Bella78]

Thanks for the encouragement Veiled, it means so much.:smile: And thanks for your detailed responses. I can't tell you how grateful I am.

I assumed the vomiting was a symptom. I'm not sure he would take it very well if I suggested that though. He would be like "Oh piss off, stop being stupid. I have gastro! What the hell would you know anyway?" (I admit that is me expecting/being prepared for the worst).

I did suggest dry crackers and lemonade actually. He kind of tried, but that was over 3 weeks ago when he was still at home. Hey, I just realised, it really has been more then 2 weeks that he has been on and off vomiting. I am beginning to really think his GP does not understand PTSD at all. I am disappointed to say the least. I would have hoped he'd have some clue, especially since he is taking a fairly keen interest. I thought he was a Dr who was fairly full bottle on mental illness etc. and therefore would know these things, or at least know the importance of checking specifically how sensitive to be.... :wall:

No visits, no. I tried once 10 days ago and we argued. I need to get myself under control of my emotions better I think. I would love to make up a care pack and take it to him. I have wanted to do it for 2 weeks in various shapes and forms. For example, I feel a need to take him a clean towel as I am pretty sure he only took 1 and can't imagine he has washed it - ew!! But I fear if I show up at all he will lose it. Especially now after the upsetting message he sent me today after the Dr calling him. Maybe I will leave it for a day or two. Only thing is, he tells me how sick he is, then a day later when I ask how he is feeling he always says better. Then next thing I know he is sick again. So I am scared if I take him a care pack in a day or two he will be better by then (or at least think he is) and tell me to stop smothering him, he is fine! I assume if he actually is still sick it may be well received, but otherwise not. And then he will treat me like I am being so stupid and should just get a life... :mad:

I did buy him some probiotic drinks for stomach function yesterday and I messaged to ask if he wanted me to drop them off. He said he was too busy and feeling better, but thanks anyway. He then said he may drop by the house today to get them. Is it possible he genuinely does not want me to do things for him so he doesn't have to feel like he "owes" me anything? He has sheepishly said thank you to the 2 or 4 little things I have taken him.

I fully get how the Dr could have overwhelmed him and how it could have seemed like I was tattling and treating him like a kid, and I am yet to make the call to the Dr, but when I do, if he gives me any reason to, I am going to suggest he do some reading on PTSD before he ever try speaking to my hubby again!! I never expected him to screw things up like this. So angry. Maybe he is an easy target for me right now.

He has been suicidal twice I guess. Once it was when he was having an 8 day downer, mostly sleeping. He was coming out of it, about day 6, and I was trying to encourage him to go outside to cut the dogs toenails as I can't do it without cutting her. I said how happy it woud make her and she would give him big kisses afterwards etc.. He told me he felt like if he just did nothing he couldn't stuff anything up. Then he cried quite a lot and it became howling and hanging onto me while he rocked and said "I don't want to live" over and over. Big problem is I was very messed up at the time too and also crying and I told him neither did I. But I don't think he feels like that now, or has since. I hope not anyway. I sure as hell don't. I really worry about hi getting suicidal now as where he is he is alone, most of the time anyway. At least I HOPE SO!! If you get what I mean.

I will have more questions the more I think about this and about my next moves. I might validate my ideas on here I think. It helps me think things thru in my own mind if nothing else. I find myself rehearsing phone calls to him so I can get only the briefest and most important info across and from him each time. And making sure to keep it to as few points as possible. Always being sure to let him know I care as well and that I am sorry he feels so blue. I figured as much with what you say about him later seeing I am just concerned. I am just swallowing all the offence I take to what he says right now and staying calm. I figure then it won't feed his need to insult me etc. I guess.

Thanks again.