What The H*ll Was That? (google Researchers And Experienced Folks, Help!)

[Biz]

Okay, what background is helpful:
-I have a diagnosis of ADNOS, couple of incidents of capital T trauma, and attachment issues.

-I sometimes, in the past, have struggled with some non-real thinking. It's mostly about things controlling me and my direction; it sometimes brings up hopelessness and meaningless. My psych says it's magical thinking from being little that went askew because my family background sucked.

-I have a therapist who I see maybe monthly. Weekly, I meet with a woman who does bodywork and spiritual counseling. She's trauma informed and incredibly helpful, but her degree was in holistic healthcare so not the "right"/clinical letters.


What I need to understand / What the h*ll was that?
-I started having some emotional dysregulation on Thursday and Friday. The floor dropped out from under me on Saturday.

-I was having crying episodes (never happens), malicious feelings of meaningless, SI, some hopelessness, and a sense that because of the meaninglessness everything I've been working on to heal and everything in my life means nothing and is nothing.

-It got better on Monday and Tuesday, and I feel like it's gone now today. I look around my apartment and the way it strikes me is completely different than it was on Saturday, much more solid.

-What the h*ll was that??? My SI episodes in the past last weeks. Could that have been a psychotic episode? Panic attack (no breathing issues though)? Dissociative episode (but it didn't feel like my usual losing track of body dissociation)? Any idea of what brings on sudden meaninglessness to the extreme and SI and then just goes away wherever?

Possible triggers:
-I had a really tough session with my counselor/bodywork person on Tuesday. It was intentionally triggering and focused around themes related to safety.

-My favorite work friend who I trust and is very supportive moved on Sunday and I went to say bye to her on Saturday (but the mood stuff and some crying began on Thursday).

-Something else? I am not great about recognizing my triggers all the time and have some that seem to make no sense.

 

[Ed Norton]

Well, I don't really know..the term 'magical thinking' is usually associated with schizotypal personality disorder and such but she may have been using it colloquially or loosely. I'm not sure it would count as a delusion, really

I don't know what triggers you but overall it sounds like a ptsd 'flood' from being triggered...Someone will probably have better statements than mine..just kinda thinking about it off the top of my head.

 

[Stickler]

Emotional flashback, my guess.
No actual memories, but overwhelming feelings.

Grounding techniques can help, but it's super hard to remember to use them when you feel those waves of despair just sweeping over you.

Sympathies.

 

[Friday]

-It got better on Monday and Tuesday, and I feel like it's gone now today. I look around my apartment and the way it strikes me is completely different than it was on Saturday, much more solid.

So there was some derealization going on... I take it that's not something common for you? Disassociation, yes, depersonalization, yes, derealization, no?

 

[Biz]

@Ed Norton , thanks for the quick answer. I definitely felt flooded. I don't know about the schizotypal; my therapist doesn't like to discuss diagnoses with me (and doesn't have to because I typically pay out of pocket rather than billing insurance).

@Stickler , thanks. It was tough. I did try to meditate during which helped for like an hour after before it came back.

@FridayJones , I don't know if you've had derealization, but I'd be interested to hear your experience with it. Is it always so extreme? I've had something like this happen before where things felt not real and meaningless, but it was kind of a dull pounding of a feeling; it came in and out and made me feel sad and stuck. This weekend that was like an emotion slapping me in the face.

 

[Ed Norton]

Hola Biz, I didn't want to imply that I think that you're schizotypal or anything. I was just unsure about the doctor's choice of words. Magical thinking doesn't necessarily imply any disorder. It is the association of unrelated events, like 'I sneezed and it caused a gust of wind or that's why my car broke down' but it is a common symptom of schizotypal. I think that I'm wary of when psychiatrists use certain terms.

Alrhough, there's a benefit in not focusing on a specific diagnosis but the symptoms. I don't agree that a diagnosis should be withheld, one reason is that knowing your diagnosis can be very useful when exploring treatment options or educating yourself about your diagnosis. As an extreme example, It's like a doctor saying I'm gonna treat you with insulin but I won't say why. I am just not in agreement with that approach.

 

[Biz]

Yea, I agree with you Ed. Sometimes I think it would help to have a diagnosis so I could understand things more. I also get some of the reasoning behind holding back; I obsess a lot. My counselor/bodyworker talk a lot about how this 'problem-oriented' mentality holds people back in their ideas of what's possible for themselves. I don't mind not knowing.

@Stickler , I've heard of other people mention emotional flashbacks. I get that their not associated with images, which makes sense with my mind because my mind's eye does not hold images well at all. Even when recalling some past trauma, it's more about my body than the picture of the moment, but I wonder.... Are emotional flashbacks more common/likely if the trauma was pre-verbal?

 

[Stickler]

@Biz I don't honestly know in regards to pre-verbal trauma. I do note that as a child I had no concept of what was actually happening to me.

 

[Biz]

Saw my counselor yesterday. I'm so glad for her. She talked with me a lot about this and challenged me too.

I can get really intellectual in defending myself, along the lines of 'fear of suicide is a construct they, major religions/society, sell so people try harder.' She was like, 'You seem really certain it would help.' 'Well yea. You think it'd get worse?!' 'No. I'm just saying I don't know. I can't be certain. And, I don't think you can either.' D*mn!!! She's so right....... There were lots of other things in that appointment and it was incredibly helpful.

She said I may not know what it was until later and maybe I never will but I need to be okay with not understanding what that was, at least for now.

 

[Stickler]

Hmm...fear of death does seem to be a really hard thing to override in practice. My guy has attempted lots. I need him to stop. It's very upsetting, and he's bad at offing himself. He really is.