What Will Happen If You Stop Thinking About It?

[The Albatross]

About the best analogy I ever heard was about the brain, how it works and a horse.

You go to the barn, you saddle up the horse, you take the horse out astride and go for a ride. You turn at some point back toward the direction of the barn and the horse "thinks" it knows where you are going and says, "hey the barn!" You don't want to go to the barn, you just wanted to go somewhere else... but the horse is very familiar with where the barn is... the uncomfortability is the time and effort it takes to get the horse where YOU want it to go... not to presume you want to go back to the barn. Eh?

It is about creating new neural pathways rather than the brain kicking you back to the default... where it thinks (has been taught/conditioned) you want to go.

 

[Nevermore]

I was thinking about this today weirdly enough, or wondering how much time I do think about it. I know I think of it every day, and have a feeling it kind of filters into every other thought in some way like a kind of fog that spreads over everything.
For me, I think it creates some kind of bubble around me that keeps others out, or keeps me separate. I often have a flood of hurried and urgent thoughts about everything that happened when I'm feeling out of place or disconnected - as if to remind me of all the reasons why I may be different from others. It's frightening, but also reassuring in some kind of weird way, as if to say "It's not your fault, remember this? remember this? No wonder you don't feel comfortable anywhere."
It's a bubble I feel both protected by and trapped in also. In my case I think the bubble is also some kind of protection from feeling shame as I'm self contained by it and my circling urgent thoughts. But the shame is what keeps me trapped also, shame that it will somehow "show" - the things I don't want others to know or guess about me.
I do think it's some kind of out of control self protective thing to never forget, to be on the lookout for anything that seems similar, to keep this secret......etc etc
As I was thinking about this today, I was thinking about how bad I've become at communicating with other people and I was actually thinking that I might try and sign up for some kind of short "how to communicate well to others" course! For me, I think it's the way out of the bubble and flooding thoughts.
And yes, I too feel some kind of fear of letting go of those thoughts. I actually don't feel very much control over them, but have a gut feeling that if I let others in just a little bit even, my head would fill with other things.
It's hard to open that door though! yikes! But maybe it's time too....
I'm so glad I found this site - so many times it happens like this! I'm wondering about something and I log on to see if anyone else wonders the same and it's so often a current discussion!! It's comforting and I feel so much less alone with it all! Thank you!

 

[Blue Survivor]

"I am probably coming off a little defensiveness, and I don't mean to, I have just heard, "Stop dwelling on it." one too many times from non-sufferers"

THIS! YES! THANK YOU!

 

[Dana1010]

I do think it's some kind of out of control self protective thing to never forget, to be on the lookout for anything that seems similar, to keep this secret......etc etc

Once you've been burned by a hot stove, you learn to never put your hand on a hot stove again. Simple, beneficial self protective learning experience. For trauma survivors, it's like we've learned to fear life itself, and in ways it seems as sensible and automatic as learning how to avoid being burned by a hot surface or cut by a sharp object, etc. That's what's so hard about recovery. Some days I feel like I'm forcing myself to put my hand on a hot burner just going outside.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Sadly in the morning when I first wake up, I am overwhelmed with the negative thoughts and I did not have to fight this battle before. I hate it and I am so tired of it.

I am bombarded with what ifs and fears. I think the fears are the worst. I do not know how to break this ugly pattern in my life.

I did not used to be this way. I actually remember waking up feeling happy.

I try to let the thoughts go and do a lot of self care and this seems to be the only solution that works somewhat for me now.

 

[MT Johnny]

Because the driving force/motivation/obsession/fascination is gone. When that lifts there is a barren landscape... and you are able to see the place where you are without it. There is a period of wandering about... aimless, confused, anxious... missing it... until you set yourself about the business of creating for yourself life.

For me, this post was one of the most profoundly important things I've read in a long time, because it precisely describes where I am right now.

A big thank you from me for sharing that.

Over the summer things kinda fell apart for me in one sense. I spent literally 3 years as of late summer 2015 trying to shake of "it", the most traumatic "single point in time" event of my life (as opposed to the perpetual trauma of a hellish childhood). I took a path 3 years ago that I thought was my only survival option - then suddenly everything changed for me and I no longer could continue to operate in that manner.

It was a very sudden change - and something circumstances forced me to do, that I knew was the "right thing" - and yet it felt like I gave up everything I tried to accomplish to run away from the "it" of 2012 - and in one sense that meant maybe "it" would still get me??? I wondered....

Then I had the entire summer basically isolated and extremely quiet - and so radically different than the past 3 years which were a 24/7/365 all out marathon of self-imposed "attempts at radically altering who I was". I spent 3 years trying to be a completely different man because "who I was" originally was the man who was weak ... and therefore in mortal danger 24/7/365, the wounded member of the herd who was easy prey for the lions and wolves....

And all I can say to explain all of this is ... It felt like "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas" ... At first I felt like all of my survival tools had been taken away ... And I was really freaking out on the inside. And literally mourning for myself and what I felt like I had lost and what it meant to lose it.

Then a funny thing happened ... I came to feel like the Who's of Whoville on Christmas morning - I lost all of the external trappings I had convinced myself were the only things standing between me and literal death from "it" - and I was still alive and kicking ... And I came to realize that all along the solution to "it" and the childhood that made "it" possible was never external, it was always within me.

And the other big takeaway was how I magnified every threat - in objective reality, even "it" was maybe a 4 on a 1 to 10 threat scale, but I made it a 10 in my mind - because I grew up in a family where the smallest thing was always a level 10 threat.

So going into the new circumstances of my life in the summer, I thought it was going to be a total crash and burn ... And in the end it was neither one ... I'm still standing and I have more strength than I gave myself credit for.

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Hyper-vigilance seems like a good idea, as if being on high-alert and constantly hammering ourselves about the trauma would keep us safe.

It doesn't.

It burns us out, it burns us up. Like @The Albatross 's perfect analogy of the barn-sour horse, our neural network is constantly reinforced to be on high-alert, never allowing us to rest and relax. The stress burns up our minds, bodies, spirit...

Being hyper-vigilant is harmful. The trick now is to be present, relax, ground, breathe, resource, relax, calm, and re-build your mind, body, soul, resilience in calming, peaceful ways.

I'm still working on this. It's hard, changing how you view the world. My trauma Ts are continually catching me when I'm being hyper-vigilant, and getting me to breathe, relax and see the reality of the moment - and not hammer myself with trauma-based fear.

When you're healthy, calm, resilient, present to your surroundings (instead of a slave to the past), you are stronger, more alert and far better able to recognize danger and protect yourself. You can deal with difficulties much better.

It's really good to think differently, to be able to stop the intrusive past and begin to live, now, in peace.

 

[Dana1010]

Being hyper-vigilant is harmful. The trick now is to be present, relax, ground, breathe, resource, relax, calm, and re-build your mind, body, soul, resilience in calming, peaceful ways.

The problem with me is even when I do all those things to ground and relax, I'm still thinking about people who traumatized me. Sometimes I'm trying to rewrite history, tell myself it was a misunderstanding, etc, but my real self knows that isn't true, and I remain traumatized and unable to let it go. I guess you could say when I'm in a bad way, it's revenge fantasies, and on my better days, it's redemption fantasies. But for some reason I'm scared to just let them go altogether.

 

[shimmerz]

But for some reason I'm scared to just let them go altogether.

I think what Alba said about the barn is right on. And it is kind of like going on a diet. You don't just stop eating (unless you are eating disordered, like me), but instead you replace crappy food with good for you food. The trick is in knowing what the 'good for you food' is.

I cracked this habit by using Ho'ponopono (I keep talking about it, I am sorry, but it really worked for me). Every time I found my mind wandering back to 'them' (and there were tons of 'thems' to choose from), I would chant the Ho'ponopono chant. It could be anything, but make it positive. Something that calls to you.....

You would be amazed at how quickly the mind-scape changes when you have something to replace the negative with. The horse will soon learn to put the 'barn' into the background....

Repetition is key.

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Sweet @Dana1010

Once you let go of the fantasies, of magical thinking, of the stories - you can really begin rapid healing.
Your true self emerges - the part that begins to live, breathe and thrive in this world.

The fantasies, while familiar and comforting to hold onto, hold you back, keep you trapped within the trauma - like a mouse in an exercise wheel. Spinning, but going nowhere.

If you step forward in hope, leaving that well-worn rut of hyper-vigilance and stories, and begin practicing this new way of thinking, you will find renewed life and healing.

 

[Changing4Best]

I think sometimes we need to be around other people or places than where "it" happened. I know when I am away from my family, and the person who abused me in my adult life, I felt much better. Moving away really helped me, I think. None the less, I do sometimes find myself thinking about "it" and then I might call someone or read a book to get my mind off of "it."

 

[woundedmind]

What do you think will happen if you stop thinking about the trauma? I think most of us here suffer fro...

In some forms of therapy, they think that how you think of a thing is very powerful, including the words you use to associate with yourself, your activities. When you include the thing you are trying not to think about only makes you think about the thing you're trying to avoid. They suggest that reframing these thoughts into positive things you want to do rather than the things you don't want to do is more helpful.

Instead of thinking about avoiding a certain type of person, reframing to seeking out a certain type of person who has positive qualities you want will help you gravitate towards that person, or at least that you will have fewer unconscious activation in your brain brought about the constant having to be on guard from those people you were avoiding.

Rather than think of yourself as a victim and how you've been powerless or vulnerable in the past, seek how you are strong enough but the seemingly dystonic thought that you could be stronger and that you can choose things to make that so, becoming comfortable with the dialectic of these two situations existing at the same time.

These are just two simple ideas that are easy in discussion and harder in practice. I've found them as two very good tools to have in the tool box of coping.

An example of such thinking is used in addiction recovery. Instead of thinking of not drinking, its more helpful of thinking what you'd rather do for sober fun. Its surmised that when you say a negative statement, the mind does not hear the "not" as much as the rest of what you'd rather not do or happen, therefore your mind keeps on obsessing on what you want to avoid.

Another thing is to try to detach shame from not being able to avoid the thing but to recognize the failure as being human, realize what you need to do and do it without agonizing over it.

I've found it helpful for me. Its not magic, it requires some energy to do and not taking care of other things that keep me healthy can sure rob me of that energy. Just tools to add in the tool box. If one tool doesn't work this time, try another. Don't throw away the tool, just put it back for some other task, just in case. You'll have your favorites and your least favorites after trying them.