General What's Allowed?

[BlueOrange]

@BlueOrange
Did you still love and want to be with your wife when you made this decision or had you already let go?

I wanted desperately for us to stay together, but I had decided that I wanted the violence to end even more than that. If I'm really honest, then here I am 11 years later with a second wife (who is much better for me, and I'm much better for her) and I still haven't completely let go.

But I was in the process of letting go. In the end, she left. I think about the specific timing, and the fact that I was just starting to get myself straightened out when she left, and I'm bitter. I think she used my temper against me. Provoked me into outbursts, then made use of my desperation to make things right to get whatever she wanted.

My psychiatrist said to me once that women will tend to be patient and work hard, and then snap. And when they snap, it's over, and nothing can make it not be over. I know that I'm not like that - I will walk away, regret it, and look for a way back. Given the gendered description my psychiatrist used, it's possible that men in general are not like that.

 

[Determinedone]

Blueorange~
Wow..... I can feel the emotion in your response. Thank you for having this with me. It sounds like you were dealing with a lot and if she would've remained a bit more calm you may remained together.

I'm grateful that there is no violence in our marriage. Just emotional garbage, which is sometimes just as bad. When he gets to the point he feels that angry he leaves for a while.

He's distant to everyone not just me, including our sons who are teenagers. He said he doesn't miss "people" anymore.

Yesterday we had a pretty good day, he actually opened up enough toy tell me he's still upset about something I said 5 days ago. This I the old him he tends to hold grudges. He asked me if we could refrain from talking about anything dealing with us or bills because he wanted to just try and relax so he could enjoy his on day off. I told him I was proud of him an that I would respect that.

He's quit threatening to leave and only on occasion does he say "if were still together" so I feel this is also progress. He still avoided the foods I cook that he loves except on occasion, a along with anything that brings him joy. I'm praying he decides to try counselig soon....


Thank you for the insight into your world. I pray that you find peace and can enjoy life to the fullest. I appreciate you....

 

[scout86]

@BlueOrange as a woman, but mostly as an individual, I'd take what your psychiatrist said with a grain of salt. In my own marriage, I don't think I was patient. I'm just not consistently patient. I DO think I worked hard, both in general and to make things work. There WAS an event when I suppose you could say, I "snapped", but it was basically a moment where I watched my ex going through his usual bs & I thought, "I'm not going down this road one more time." He'd have gone on repeating the "blow up, say you're sorry, blow up" cycle just as long as I was willing to go along. BUT, at that point, all that was definitely "over" was repeating the cycle. IF he had been willing to work on a better plan, I would have too. He wasn't, plain and simple. It's interesting, though, that he ACTED kind of like he thought there was no hope. I'm not sure if that's because he thought I was really and truly done, no hope of repair, or if it was because he knew I was done being jerked around and the only way the relationship could go on was if he went to the trouble of treating me with respect.

 

[BlueOrange]

@scout86 yeah, I'm extrapolating a bit on a conversation I had with him in 2003, so it's probably best not to rely too heavily on my fuzzy recall of that particular meeting. He may well have had a far more specific intent than what I suggested yesterday.

@Determinedone , thanks for that very supportive reply. I spent a lot of yesterday crying - writing that post was one reason, an episode of Gold Rush (of all things) was the other reason. It appears that I'm ready to face this stuff at last.

Wife 2.0 was awesome last night, and took good care of me. I'm learning how to deal with hurt constructively, but the temptation to push it away is very real.

 

[IvyMillie]

Sounds like you are hanging in there really well and remembering not to take it personally. I'm glad you see progress. Their acceptance of PTSD is very difficult for them. They almost have to get desperate to seek help.

I know it's hard but I think you are doing great and trying to enjoy the good times. You are being supportive and it's great that he was able to effectively communicate with you about what he needed. So I hope he continues to improve.

 

[Determinedone]

@BlueOrange ~ I apologize for taking so long to respond. I knew when I read your response that it was very emotional for you. When you did reply and were able to share very personal pieces of your experience it left me feeling that their is hope. I commend you for your journey and applaud you for your strength. I also believe this will help you to finish healing in some way. Words can't express how grateful I am for your honesty. :)

 

[Determinedone]

Update: Not sure what is going on but husband has been on emotional rollercoaster since Saturday night. He had to leave Sunday to head out of town for work. Since his return he trusts no one not even me at times. Can't quite understand that part but i've quit trying to figure it out. Anyway he got up around 430am and i woke up just as he was heading out. He hugged me and left. He called me twice that day and started two arguements with me, one i fell into and responded. The other one I choose to remain silent and let him have it. I was upset because he seemed to be having a good time with his co workers when we were on the phone, yet he wont give me a few minutes of his time and is always down 24/7.

Odd thing is the next morning he calls me on my way to work all kind and sweet actually apologized for not getting back to me said he was tired. I left that alone as well. He's still out of town for work, but is being secretive. He wont say exactly where he is except he's in the next state, and that he's unsure which day this week he's heading back home. This is not true because they always know how long the trip is. So i'm guessing he suspects im up to something which im not. Anyway we've been getting along since Monday morning. I mentioned how much im enjoying talking to him and how sweet he's been. I said it would be so nice if you could be this way when you get home. His response was like i said I do better when were apart. I miss you when i'm not there but when i'm home you get on my nerves? :(

I reminded him im the same wether he's home or away and that he really needs to open up and start expressing his feelings so we can work past this, even if its just a little at a time. I changed the subject quickly before he got upset. So i'm not sure what's going on but he's been very very irritable since yesterday. It doesn't matter what he's talking about it sounds like he's on the verge of going off. I can hear the rage in his voice.

It took until this morning for him to even speak to our sons. They didn't even realize he had to go out of town for work. He didn't tell him. I learned this Sunday am when they expressed their disappointment. I'm trying to reassure them that he loves us, but they are angry because he hasn't even txt or call them except for this morning.

I started seeing a new counselor yesterday one who deals more with marriage counseling than PTSD but he has experience in both. He said my husband has a lot going on, that he doesn't feel he's having an affair and that he really needs to release this anger so he can try and slowly pull these emotions back. He was shocked that I haven't had a breakdown yet or that i wasn't on meds for anxiety or depression.

Not questioning him about his exact location and addressing his attitude has been the hardest thing to do. He was so disrespectful in a txt today basically yelling at me then feeling guilty i guess by accusing me of being sensitive and not responding. Then a few hours alter he calls like everything is ok?
.

 

[BlueOrange]

It sounds like things are very tough for you right now :(

Yes, bringing things out into the open is good for me. I chose to open that wound again, expose it to sunlight, the best disinfectant. I feel cared for, and hope that you also feel cared for. What you describe sounds awful - I hope that your hope doesn't hurt you.

 

[Determinedone]

Yes they are and its worse than anything i've ever dealt with. The biggest part for me is not understanding why i make him enraged at times. Along with his unwillingness to talk to me. What really hurts is remaining faithful while he was away and even now yet he refuses to show affection or almost seems to withhold sex, or avoid it at times. He claims he's got to much going on then other times he will say were not cool like that? its odd he even spends almost an hour in the bathroom some evenings. I really just wanna grab him wrap my arms around him and hold him while he releases whatever is hurting him. I started seeing a new counselor this week and he said that my husband seems to have a severe case of PTSD according to what im telling him and that if he doesn't come and speak to someone he may even get worse?

Today every time i spoke to him i could hear the rage in his voice. like he could blow up at any moment for any reason. And actually he just came home about 10 minutes ago without any warning. I guess at the end of the day it would just be nice to know he gives a damn that im still here?!

I'm glad you feel cared for. The fact that you can feel that emotion brings tears to my eyes. I would give anything to see that in my spouse or any emotion except rage. He comes home every night so there's still hope. I do feel a bit cared for and appreciate the posts. You've never felt lonely until the one you love is right beside you but their mind, and spirit are thousands of miles away...