What's in a Name?

[nic]

Wendy, I can't imagine what it is like to be denied those you love. I really wish there was an answer, some way to fix this for you, but I know that it just isn't that easy. PLEASE take care of yourself. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Nic

 

[linasmom]

Wendy,

You're so right - I have a daughter but she is with me and I find it unimaginable what the pain would feel like if I did not have her with me. I truly hope that you are able to find some sort of resolution because it's very obvious that you are in severe pain.

Again, you're in my thoughts.

Best,
Rachel

 

[Cindy]

I've seen lot's of results on both sides

My x's family was dysfunctional. His mother and sister stopped all communication. The grandchildren were also taken away at the time. Well, the sister cut off her whole family from the extended family. The mother continued to send letters, occasion cards, estate money with no replies. The checks were cashed but no information about its use. The grandchildren who were cut off at 10 and 12 regained communication and bonds with their grandmother and uncle (my x) once they were away at college. This had to be so difficult for them because it was against their mother's wishes and they could have gotten a lot of repercussions. They did it anyway, in spite of the bad mouthing that had occurred by their mother over many years of bitterness. SO HAVE HOPE!!!!

My own daughter and I had a huge falling out from when she was 17 - 21. We are still not on solid ground and continue to struggle to understand one anothers actions and communications. She became very abusive to me when her Father dropped dead suddenly. She refused counselling in any form. Finally we reached a point of (what I thought) no return. I kicked her out for self preservation, physically and emotionally. All I could see is her father replaying through his daughter. Is it in the genes? Anyway, many things were said by her that hurt me to the core and continue to naw at my insides.
Namely, I wasn't emotionally available to her when I was raising her. I had become someone else after she was about 3 or 4. As much as I hate to admit it she was absolutely right. I've had to learn to accept that and recognize I did the best I could at the time with what I did have to offer. She was safe, cared and provided for. She participated in activities that she wished to through my personal sacrifice. It was better than I ever had but it was not perfect. But, is there ever a perfect? I hope that one day she will reflect on all that she had and did and accurately percieve her childhood with both her Dad and I, even if it was in two homes.


SO, Do they return?
Sometimes.
Under what conditions?
Limited or different with new boundaries and rules to follow.
Will you see the grandchildren again?
Maybe
Should you communicate?
Absolutely, but with no expectations


Remember we cannot control other's actions but only our response to theirs.

One last thing, I believe you think her life is a basket of roses, but roses have thorns. It's not all great without you, even if she doesn't realize it.
IMO, try to create a life for yourself in spite of her by keeping your doors open for change and compensating for your loss by other activities. "Adopt" a grandchild, read books in a library to young children, volunteer with some youth organizations - ???. Just some thoughts. I know some kids who would love to hear your stories of growing up in the "old" days - I'm 50 so I join you, they don't know who Gilligan is on Gilligan's Island anymore.

 

[morgan]

I understand Wendy. I lost a child. I just can't talk about it yet. There is no hope for me. I guess I just wanted to have hope for you.

Sorry, Morgan

 

[Cowgirl]

She,

You sound like you are in great pain. I am trying to offer you a bit of hope. I am not trying to minimize your pain.

I lost a sister in a horrible way, and that was deeply painful, as she and I were very close. Due to her ex's issues, I then "lost" a nephew. He was completely lost to us, with no contact. I did not even know where he might have ended up. THIRTY YEARS went by, not knowing even if he was alive. There was a hole in our family, a sadness, not knowing what became of my sister's only child.

Then, due to the magic of Google, we found him!

So then what? How on earth to you approach someone you have not seen for THIRTY YEARS? His father (my sister's ex) had ill feelings toward my family. My nephew had not tried to contact any of us. Did he even want to be found? Did he share his father's hatred, or what would he feel? Should I just leave him be, after so many years?

I decided to write him an email. i figured there was little chance I'd ever hear back, but I figured I'd be the grown up and write and let him know that we still love him, think about him, and miss him. And lo and behold, he responded. It took him over a month, but by gosh, he wrote back!!! And he then contacted my parents, who got to learn about their great grandchildren. And then got to SEE their great grandchildren!

So, no. I don't know your pain. I only know my pain. Life is painful for everyone at some point, unless they are truly fortunate or not very sensitive to painful experiences.

All I do is offer a ray of hope, if you are looking for one. If you cannot contact your daughter, you have grandchildren who are old enough to have their own lives now, and who can choose to learn about their long-lost grandmother if they choose. For that to happen, you'll have to set aside your desire for an apology and decide to see what the future holds.

Otherwise, all I can do is offer my condolences for your sorrow.

Best wishes,

Cowgirl

 

[Cecilia]

She Cat,

What an awful situation. It must be very difficult. I do not have much of a relationship with my mother and I am very guilty. I have not taken my childern to see her in 3 years, but I have kept the door open for her to come to my house anytime.

You could write her a letter and let her know that your door is always open if she or the children would like to visit. Next year your grandson will be old enough to visit you on his own.

It is very sad when families split. My grandmother died without ever mentioning the names of her parents. I am now trying to trace my family roots and I cannot get past my grandparents.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I have done a lot of thinking and soul searching as of late, and I have decided that I am way to angry at my daughter to even think of trying to talk to her on any level

One thing I NEVER did....Was keep her away from her grandparents when she was little. I think the longest was maybe a week or two do to the fighting, but I never did it longer than that. Even when I wasn't speaking to my mother, my daughter always had her grandparents.

I find my daughters behavior, childish, selfish, self centered, and to be perfectly honest.... She's a little bitch to do this to her children. THEY are innocent and did nothing to deserve this. The argument was between her and I. It did not involve the kids in any way.

Any parent that uses their children to hurt another human being is just plain nasty in my book. Parents that do this shit should be ashamed of themselves.

I can only hope and pray that what goes around, comes around.

 

[pandora]

Ditto!!!!1 Could not agree more!!!!

 

[pandora]

I always thought that was the reason for her car accident but who knows.....

 

[Deleted member 541]

Pand,

What's the car accident about?????

 

[pandora]

I thought the car accident was....what comes around goes around like she got what she deserved and it might make her look into her life a bit more and realize the good things she has and that we ( her children) were good people. The car accident just made her worse.....that was why I wrote about that.....sorry for the confusion.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Pand....

She wasn't in a car accident.......I don't understand????