Relationship Whats The Best To Do

[Roxyange116]

Hey I guess I just need to know what I should do.

The background can be found in another post: [DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/threads/16931-Hello-I-m-New-Intro-And-Question[/DLMURL]

Do you really just cut all contact until they contact you? Or can you still send little messages just to show you are thinking of them and care about them even if they don't reply?

He said last night that this is when all his relationships end. Every fall he has a very hard time and he shuts down and he told me this and I knew this so I understand what is going on right now. I have made it known I care and I am here and I will be but he said he needs time. I get that, I do. But can I just send a thinking of you text or like he's starting classes again tomorrow for his job so can I just say "Good Luck with classes". I don't know. I don't want to come across like I am pressuring him and not giving him the space/time he needs but I also can not stop thinking of him and knowing he is hurting is killing me that I have to just wait it out until he wants to see me/talk to me. I just don't want him to think I have left or I have given up on him like everyone else has.

Thanks!
Roxy

 

[lovinbiker]

Hi Roxy,
I may not be the best person to give advise here about this as I am fairly new to all this. I personally would say there is no harm in a little message to say good luck, as long as its worded so you dont expect an answer.

I will say that I feel for you as its very difficult to know what to do for the best. On one hand you dont want your partner to think you dont care, but on the other not to push or badger them when they need space.

When you say this is the point that his past relationships have finished, was that them finishing it or him? If it was him and he hasnt done that now then I would say that he must feel strongly for you.

I wish I could give you a yes or no answer to your question but everyone is different with or without PTSD.

Take care.

 

[trborcy]

I agree with lovinbiker. It often seems trite when people say, "everyone is different", but it's so true, and there are so many things going on that we don't know about, and you do.

So I think it's ok to just let him know you are there.

But I will say, after reading your initial post, that if you find out he is being unfaithful, it is probably not in your best interest to continue to be as emotionally involved as you are.

Even PTSD isn't an excuse for that kind of behavior, so please don't make it so.

Please take care of YOURSELF. It's the only way you will ever be able to care for him.
trborcy.

 

[Roxyange116]

lovinbiker- Thanks, I am new as well and just so lost as to what to do sometimes. When I said his past relationships ended around this time it was always there doing, from what I gather. The drinking, the withdrawl and such I guess just was too much for them. They didn't understand. He said I was the first girl to actually take it upon herself to research PTSD and that it meant a lot to him and he prepared me for the fall so its not like this is a big surprise to me. So I am trying to show him that that's not the case with me, that I'll be here when he's ready for me.

trborcy- Thank you. I know everyone, every situation is different, I guess I just wanted to hear others opinions. What would you do in my situation. As for being unfaithful, hes not and he never was. He said he didn't really know why he did it, that maybe it was because he was expecting me to leave like everyone else and he just wanted to see their replies. I mean 2 weeks went by and he never went any further with it. The email I found was dated 2 weeks ago and he just stopped responding and I do believe him and I do trust him.

 

[hopelives]

As a long term carer Roxy. Hate to say this. BUT I would think very carefully before you continue this relationship. Personally I feel that you need to step back and see what moves he makes. I have a husband with PTSD and I also have children. It is very hard going. I wouldn't encourage you to contact him until he contacts you. I know that is hard advise but it might set you in a better position in the relationship.

BIG HUGS.

 

[Roxyange116]

Thanks Sickofit. I have read some of your posts and I give you credit for all you do. Its very tough and I would like to think I could do it all as well but some times I'm not sure. I have a 2 year old and he is great with him. He really is and I see he makes him happy to be around. Sometimes I joke he only comes over to see him, not me. But I do understand what you're saying. Its just hard. I know its only be a short relationship but it doesn't feel like it. We have been through a lot. I have trusted him and confided in him more than anyone and visa versa so its just so hard to think this could just be the end. And I just don't want him to think I gave up bc I have sat quietly waiting. I know its a rough road ahead with PTSD but I honestly feel like he is worth it.

I may just give it a few days and see what happens. Its just hard to not be able to call and talk about our days or follow through with plans we made and to just sit and wonder what he's doing and how he's dealing. Thankfully he lives home so he's not alone but I still worry.

Big Hugs back. :)

 

[hopelives]

I admire that you want to stick by him. I still do stand by you reconsidering things. You have been in the relationship for a short amount of time. I would consider you going and seeing a therapist to see how you can stay in it long term if this is what you choose.

 

[lovinbiker]

Its just hard to not be able to call and talk about our days or follow through with plans we made and to just sit and wonder what he's doing and how he's dealing.

How true Roxy, pretty much sums up exactly how im feeling. He clearly is lucky to have you I hope he does see that through all the mixed feelings im sure he has in his head due to PTSD.

Big hug as I know exactly how your feeling

 

[Roxyange116]

Thanks! Me too. I just don't know how long to wait. This is the first time its really been like this and I find myself staring at the phone and walking around constintely thinking of him. I mean if he was done he'd want his stuff back right?

Sorry the more time I have to think, the more things that run through my head. I am trying to be strong and do what I know needs to be done and wait for him to contact me but I can't help thinking what if he never does ...

Thank you the hugs really help and knowing I am not alone helps also. :)

 

[Mark Dust]

Hi Roxy,

Slow down. You have a 2 yr old that should be priority #1. Worry about him first and the boyfriend with PTSD second. Your son will be there for many years to come and the boyfriend, maybe, maybe not. It's ok to text him every once in a while, but don't stare at the phone and let him consume your thoughts. I second the recommendation of seeking therapy for yourself. Not necessarily for healing, but for someone to listen without fear of judgement. Sometimes it is helpful to talk out your thoughts. Talking it out lets your subconscious know that you hear it and can lead to wonderful insights.

Since fall is a rough time for him, let him get through it. The "every once in a while" text will remind him you are still there and when he's ready, he'll reach out to you. As you mentioned he lives at home, so his family is there to help with taking care of him. Both of you have lots of life left to live and a few months delay in moving forward with the relationship will not cause the world to end.

Best,

Mark

 

[Mark Dust]

Almost forgot the last point. You can't live your life playing the "what if" game. If you do, you will lose that game every time you play it. If he doesn't contact you, then he doesn't contact you. Nothing less, nothing more. You are not in control of his choices.

Best,

Mark

 

[Roxyange116]

Thank you Mark. My son has always been my first priority and that will never change but maybe me being a mother is what makes me so into wanting to be there. I don't know. Yes he does live at home and his family is there to support him. They don't know all the things I do but they know enough to watch out for him. I would love to see someone to talk but I have no insurance at the moment since I was laid off. My life is a mess and I guess maybe that's also what I am missing right now. Just my good friend that I could sit for hours with talking out our problems and making each other feel better.

I am giving him the time he needs and just focusing on myself. Its just hard to not let your mind wonder and you are right, the "what ifs" wont get you anywhere and a few months delay won't change anything. I mean I love him and that shouldn't change in a few days/weeks/months or else it never was love.

Thank you, sometimes I just get lost in my thoughts and I need insight from others.
Roxy