Whats The Best Way To Handle This? Please Help!

[armywife05]

Im sorry i am making yet another post. I really have no one to talk to until saturday. I have made myself my first counseling appointment with a doctor who use to be in the military and specializes in PTSD in relationships.

I am really at a loss on what to do with my marriage. My other post i stated that my husband was avoiding the house and me and the kids. We argue a lot about him not helping much at home. He is always a sleep or doing his own thing. The past week things have been horrible. We do not have the best marriage, we have had financial issues, family drama, then his deployment. So needless to say our relationship has been very stressful the whole time. Not to mention we started out our relationship with a child because i had one child already, then we had our son together a year after the marriage and are now expecting our 3rd boy early nov. My husband randomly said he is not happy, our relationship is not going to work. He said i can stay here because im pregnant and due in a few weeks. But he is acting like he doesnt care about me, if i say anything to him at all he is acting annoyed. He was avoiding the house when things werent even that bad, but now that things are spiraling out of control he is home more, which i do not understand. He accused me of trying to control him and said he did not think counseling would help our marriage, nothing would and he wasnt happy and didnt want to be with me. He seems to have no emotion all of a sudden towards me. He acts like he doesnt care about me or wanna be with me, but then if i go out without the kids he says "where were you?" then texted me "cheater" after he told me that he didnt wanna be with me, he didnt care what i did. Then he will randomly say things like "i know you still want me, if i asked to work things out, you would" but then will act distant again and says he wants a divorce. I have been begging him to work things out and he will say "FINE! we can try one counseling session and if it doesnt work then i am done for good". Thats the last thing he said to me last night but then today he said it wasnt going to work, what was the point in trying it. Then took my wedding rings last night and said he was going to pawn them. It has been a week since he's been acting like this and alienating himself from me and with drawling from everything. Now all of a sudden he wants to pawn my wedding rings? I cried and told him not to. Then he said he wouldnt, but then a few hours go by and he texts me and asks if he can just pawn them. So i called him and i told him whatever, fine pawn them. Its the last step of completely pushing me away and pushing me completely out of his life. Then i said do what you want. Then he came home and he didnt say anything. But i found out he didnt pawn them. He has said the only reason he keeps agreeing to fix things is because i keep crying. (which yes i do because i am so confused this sorta came outta nowhere). Now he is acting annoyed if i try to talk to him about anything at all and he has slept all evening (nothing new) and he is back in the bedroom away from everyone (also nothing new.)

how do i handle this? So i just leave him a lone? Do i move back home? I feel like he is being very erratic. I really dont know what to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated . As of right now though, theres no getting through to him or even being near him. i have never felt so unloved and unwanted in my life :(

 

[mamachick]

Take a few deep breaths..... What do you have to decide on today?
From what you are saying, his behavior does sound very erratic-has he been violent? Has he threatened you? Does he break things? These are first things to be addressed as you and your children being safe is priority. If you answered yes to the questions of violence, then please contact your local shelter first.

It sounds as though you have described some things that can be very stressfull on both of you and making an appointment for therapy is the best place to start. Verbal abuse can be very damaging. If you can ignore some of it for the moment-as hurtful as it is-it might help you to focus on what is important at the moment.

What is important is that you are all safe and that you stay as calm as possible. You sound a bit panicked about the future with him and that will not resolve anything. Some things are just out of our control. I hear you asking-should I do this or that as if there will be a right answer and sometimes there is just not a right answer.

You need to convince yourself that you and your children will be fine with or without him in your life. What he chooses to do is up to him and you have no control over that, but you do of your response. This behavior is his, its about his feelings and unhappiness, you did not cause it and you cannot fix it.

Can you focus on what you can do today to bring happiness to your life? ie take your kids for a walk, pick wild flowers, rent a good movie etc.??? Since it sounds like he is avoiding right now, you have the opportunity to remove yourself from verbal battle and do something that you enjoy. Soon you will see the therapist who can help you sort these things out. I am sorry that you are having to go through all of this....Hugs

 

[ronin47]

His behavior may very well be a result of PTSD, but there is no reason why you should have to put up with it. What he is doing is abusive, you need to recognize that. And abuse is a flat out dealbreaker in a marriage. Don't get on his emotional rollercoaster and ride it with him, there's no reason to. It sounds to me like maybe some distance might be the best thing for both of you. Your children also should not have to be subject to this kind of behavior. I'm very glad you'll be seeing a therapist soon. It's always good to have that outside support. You are worth more than the way he's treating you. It disgusts me to listen to the way this man is treating the mother of his children. The fact that he is resisting counseling in my mind is the nail in the coffin.

You need to find a way to get away from him. Plain and simple. Even if it's just for a week or two.

 

[Jacquie]

Sounds to me like he doesnt mean what he says, but cant say what he really means and it giving prompts and cues. Like provoking you into a certain 'reaction' which he might or might not be getting. (ie the rings)

Pawn the rings (to me) seems provoking you into saying YOU CARE and dont want this marriage over, but hiding behind his own macho and not wanting to be the one to say it.

Cry for help? Insecure? Scared? Unable to say he is any of those things though?

When both people take that position its like tennis. One hit to over there and another returned until both feel bludgeoned to death. So how to break the cycle? Talk about yourself and how you feel (honestly)

If you love him and married him because you love him, say so. If how he is acting right now scares you, say so. If you feel afraid of whats going to happen with and to this new baby without him, say so. If you feel you can make it on your own and better off without him, say so.

But if you feel you CANT cope but say you can (or vice versa) or DO care about the wedding rings but say you dont, then honey you are both doing the same thing. You need to be honest with not only us, with him. If what he did hurt you beyond imagination, say it. If he grins and seems to enjoy it, tell him you're packing your bags and gone. But if he pauses and seems unsure on how to proceed, wait. If he comes back with bravado and I dont care attitude, tell him to get honest and TELL YOU what he really means, because not knowing is destroying you.

Any relationship no matter where its at, needs honesty. And thats whats not happening. You seem to be standing on opposite sides of the battlefield saying what the other one should be saying or doing, instead of each saying how you actually 'feel'.

Good luck