What's the difference between grooming and being friendly?

[Deleted member 45988]

There was so much wrong with the Michael Jackson situation I’d not know where to start - any adult wh...

Ok, I agree that beloved auntie and showing new toy is entirely different from Michael Jackson and is not risky.

The original post from @littleoc included the phrase: "How can you tell danger from opportunity, or blessing from temptation by an evil person." I suspect original post was referring to a situation somehow inbetween beloved and trusted auntie and Michael Jackson, but somehow it seems to me that a Michael Jackson fits this because letting a child hang out with rich, fairly brilliant famous person who might even do things like pay medical bills might provide opportunity and maybe be sort of a blessing or it might be danger and temptation from an evil person. Like I feel this applies less to trusted auntie who might go upstairs to look at a new toy, because it's not unlikely to be much of a gamble to allow this. Again, though, i don't think original poster was talking about something as potentially risky as Michael Jackson, just explaining why I brought him up. I think that there isn't necessarily much disagreement on this thread, but possibly slight misunderstandings in what each other are referring to.

@Sideways stated: "Dealing with a person with serious pathology of any kind on the other hand? Probably not a great idea to give them sleep-over privileges"

I was sort of surprised to find out that Michael Jackson actually had the skin disorder he said he had giving him white areas (autopsy report states this). Also, his children seem to be sticking by him not being a child molestor. Jackson isn't really a very good example to talk about whether behavior is grooming or not, but then maybe he is because he was so strange he seemed like a pedophile who was maybe grooming boys, but maybe he actually wasn't.

 

[littleoc]

Fair enough, @Pokeyslow :)

I'll go ahead and clarify, though, that I was groomed by an adult as a child and now am well enough as an adult to socialize well enough.

But I've never truly dated, because I take almost all affection to be grooming. Other times, I've gotten a little too trusting with friends (my one ex). I'm seeing that non-PTSD people make friends and show affection. I like showing affection, but only after the other person does, because I'm still a bit worried that they will take it to mean that I want something.

I like plenty Jackson's music but I'll leave it at that. Trying to figure out who's doing what is so difficult...

 

[Deleted member 45988]

Fair enough, @Pokeyslow :)

I'll go ahead and clarify, though, that I was groomed...

I'm unclear if grooming of adult victims is supposed to be a thing, but I guess it makes sense that it could be.

For me, I tend to be suspicious of people in general and then to take things hard. Something happened with girlfriend's parents that, although, not related in any way to things I had happen, it was like people were being stupid and blaming me despite I was not at fault in same way that people behaved when I had ptsd(ish) incedent occur and it triggered anger about original incident.

So I get how you could be suspicious of affection and take it hard if, in the end, it ends up that it was some manipulation. I guess I'd say be as logical as possible about whatever is happening because other person not at fault if something innocent is a trigger but also maybe they can get how it takes you awhile to trust and be close or some such.

 

[Swift]

One of the key things I see in retrospect was how much my groomer/abuser took opportunities to escalate and to isolate. There's something remarkably different about an adult who doesn't mind being with the child around other adults, where there is supervision, and an adult who looks for opportunities to take the child away from supervision, grooming the parents with longer and longer intervals with the child alone. It's a huge red flag for me if an adult is pushing for 'alone time' with the child, with no supervision present.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I recall feeling an “icky” feeling when I was very young and being groomed. Fast forward to adulthood and I see he created opportunities to groom me. Tragically, when I broke my silence to my mother, she just casually said, “oh, I knew he was a pedophile” end of conversation. I couldn’t believe that she was more than willing to leave me in the care of a pedophile. Grooming may be a way to build false trust, but opportunity relies on the parent to be negligent in their duties.