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What's the difference between connection with a therapist and dependency on them?

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I can relate to your experiences very much - I think the following idea was big for me:

I think dependency is a fine line and will be slightly different for everyone. I would say therapy is about developing a healthy self reliance, and if that isn’t being developed and you are emotionally totally reliant on the therapist and not using/developing other support networks for me personally that would show I need to take a step back
Once I began to be more open to share about my experiences and was able to rely on the important people in my life more, it’s helped me from feeling so desperate and dependent on my t…although this fluctuates given what trauma material we are working on at any given point - there’s plenty of things only t knows so there are times I feel very much I need her support in managing when I’m not ready to rely on others for these things. Over time, I imagine it will be less and less.

I think it’s very healthy that you are actively aware of these feelings and recognizing that parts of you may feel differently at times regarding the same matters. It shows a lot of maturity that you are thinking about these things.

The relationship you have with your t is so critical to healing. And it sounds like you have a great one with your t and that you want to respect her, too. It really is hard to be vulnerable and the boundaries can be tricky and confusing sometimes. There is a power imbalance, it’s the nature of the therapeutic relationship. But that dependence, when appropriately managed, can result in great healing and growth, especially when dealing with significant attachment issues.

Parts of me are sure I’ll die if t ever has to leave me, but other parts of me say I’ll be fine and will be overwhelmingly grateful that she was in my life for however long I got to have her. The goal for me is to work on healing the trauma and when I am capable of being more self-reliant and also more reliant on the significant people in my life, the plan is to gradually scale back in therapy and in seeking support from t. In a perfect would, this would be a lovely, gradual, and mutual process - we would celebrate the decreased dependence on t and increased independence to manage my own life. But, regardless, when that day comes I know I’ll miss her.

It’s scary and uncomfortable to bring these things up to t, but it may really be beneficial to have the conversation - then you aren’t guessing, the boundaries will be mutually agreed upon - you will know what she thinks and she will know what you think - and then she can help adjust or redefine any boundaries as needed, it’ll be a team effort.
 
Without reading replies…

What's the difference between connection with a therapist and dependency on them?

Connection means I like you, I want you, there’s a spark.
Dependent means I need you; whether I like you, want you, or not.

Being Needed, at best, is only ever almost as good as Being Wanted… and usually falls far short.

So, what is the difference between having a healthy connection with your therapist to be able to do this work and make the changes you need to.
Versus being overly dependent on them?
Healthy Connection v. Overly Dependent?

Skews my above answer into the extremes.

- Healthy Connection = I’m reacting (chemistry) to the BEST parts of themselves, without losing the ability to see/understand the okay, challenged, struggling, bad, & worst parts of themselves; and the ways the parts of myself that are forming connections across the spectrum.

- Overly Dependent = They make my life worse for being a part of it. I don’t actually need them, but think/feel I do, and act accordingly.
 
If losing your therapist in an instant would result in more than an uncomfortable adjustment period, you are too attached.

(I don’t need to read any more to know that you are definitely 100% without a doubt too attached.)
 
I am sure these are all terrific posts but just a bit for me to all take in, so hope this isn't totally repeating or useless. It's not exactly the same because you are paying your T as a service, and you can even like them as a person but not find their help useful for you. So that is the main 1st consideration.

I can understand dependence more from contrasting it to independence. Being inclined out of necessity but also choice to be independent, every act or word that has required me to involve others meeting or helping meet a need makes me feel dependent. And often iccky. But then if I don't. I lose all the resources anyone else other than myself can provide, including expertise and perspective. Even asking for nothing and being present can make me doubt my worthiness to be present, even if I benefit. Usually I have to be pretty desperate to ask.

I am new-ish to learning someone can have my back, truly, who isn't required to. But then I realized if I don't honor the help I can't choose to trust the help or the person.

Connection to me is trustworthiness, authenticity, gelling, genuine care and free choosing for everyone involved. Being willing to trust, is an act of vulnerability to me (feeling), so I think that consideration feels the opposite of independent, an act of dependence of sorts, being dependent on the other person being trustworthy, i.e. can I depend on you to (x, keep personal what is personal, be honest, be true to your word, etc-whatever. Of course I'm assuming that is being given by one's self as well). I think I would feel horrified to lose their presence, because of their value, and the value of their words also, but because of value to my life, loss vs dependence or independence.

Although I do think over much time I've come to realize or at least have been told that how I 'feel' about myself isn't actually correct, that is, my perception of burdensomeness is likely greater than the reality, simply because my perception is that it is so large. Though I don't really have expectation. I've also been assured it is ok, which I'm glad I have the go-ahead to ask.

I also think it's taken me a lifetime to be ok-enough with it to not be horrified I have my own needs, or that it's 'ok' to try to meet them. And one obvious one is my mental health, or dealing with SI, or simply actually qualifying as having the right to have my own opinions, recognize what helps me and what doesn't, and actually choose it.

Because I have lived independently more of my life than not in terms of not having and also not really considering anyone as being able or desirous to help I have become very attuned to who and what seems legit and capable and brings me help, and I care less than I did about it as I just know that about myself. I also have grown disinterrested in what seems superficial or phony. So I cling more to who and what is the opposite and kind of just follow what seems to help, regardless if it fits popular opinion or someone else's judgements. Or I know that when I'm not it's likely I will regress in unhealthy ways and mindsets, and I do.

I think I am dependent in the way of knowing what works, trusting who is trustworthy or gets it, and kind of putting aside beating myself up as much or being shamed by others who have no idea what I am dealing with.

I figure you can ask your T what their thoughts are on the matter if you trust them (and just be totally honest)? I don't think you are dependent and attachment feels odd when it doesn't cause abuse or harm or making you pay for it, if you're not used to it. That's just MHE, anyway.

Hope it makes sense, hard to find the words I need and must run. Best wishes to you sorting out how it is for you. It is a process too. We have to answer of ourselves a lot of internal questions to make sense of stuff. Even to tease out if we are triggered and that is why we are feeling shame or fear or self-rejection (I experience shame as a reminder of things some people have said to me and about me, and am filled at best with doubt +/or self-disgust; fear is self-explanatory), which I find kind of extrapolates to everything.
 
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I don't think it's possible for me to become dependent on another person like that, but I also struggle with making connections to other people as well (which my brain interprets as "dependence!
So I'm prob the opposite.
it would be extremely regrettable to no longer have that resource
It's good to know you would have a response to it, given that we prob have different ways of relating.
it is still ultimately very professional, and not personal - I know little-to-nothing about her personal history,
Yeah, same.
I would probably seek to remedy that in some manner, and view it as pathological, even though according to all the literature I've read, these attachments to therapists especially in complex childhood abuse victims, is totally ordinary.
And this is what continues to confuse me.
 
If losing your therapist in an instant would result in more than an uncomfortable adjustment period, you are too attached.

(I don’t need to read any more to know that you are definitely 100% without a doubt too attached.)
Yeah I think it would result in way more than uncomfortable adjustment period. I spun out when she had a medical break recently.
And then I have resistance to what you're saying! Which is interesting. I told T about how it was when she went off and she felt she didn't do enough to make sure I felt held during that time.
Being too attached is or isn't the same as being dependent?
lose all the resources anyone else other than myself can provide, including expertise and perspective. Even asking for nothing and being present can make me doubt my worthiness to be present, even if I benefit. Usually I have to be pretty desperate to ask.
Everything you say @Tinyflame resonates.
I figure you can ask your T what their thoughts are on the matter if you trust them (and just be totally honest)? I don't think you are dependent and attachment feels odd when it doesn't cause abuse or harm or making you pay for it, if you're not used to it. That's just MHE, anyway.
Yeah. I think T has already said it's like I think I don't deserve care and attention and I don't let myseld enjoy this relationship. She works relationally so she fully says that the healing comes from the relationship between client and therapist.
 
Once I began to be more open to share about my experiences and was able to rely on the important people in my life more, it’s helped me from feeling so desperate and dependent on my t…although this fluctuates given what trauma material
Thank you for sharing all this @Renly and your words.
This is where I am at at the moment I suppose.
The relationship you have with your t is so critical to healing. And it sounds like you have a great one with your t and that you want to respect her, too. It really is hard to be vulnerable and the boundaries can be tricky and confusing sometimes. There is a power imbalance, it’s the nature of the therapeutic relationship. But that dependence, when appropriately managed, can result in great healing and growth, especially when dealing with significant attachment issues.
It really is confusing at times. And I like how you word all this.
Parts of me are sure I’ll die if t ever has to leave me, but other parts of me say I’ll be fine and will be overwhelmingly grateful that she was in my life for however long I got to have her.
Yeah, same. I know I will be ok as I have me, but also parts find that really challenging.
It’s scary and uncomfortable to bring these things up to t, but it may really be beneficial to have the conversation - then you aren’t guessing, the boundaries will be mutually agreed upon - you will know what she thinks and she will know what you think - and then she can help adjust or redefine any boundaries as needed, it’ll be a team effort.
Yeah, I need to not keep certain things secret and if I share I will know either way.
 
Connection means I like you, I want you, there’s a spark.
Dependent means I need you; whether I like you, want you, or not.

Healthy Connection = I’m reacting (chemistry) to the BEST parts of themselves, without losing the ability to see/understand the okay, challenged, struggling, bad, & worst parts of themselves; and the ways the parts of myself that are forming connections across the spectrum.

- Overly Dependent = They make my life worse for being a part of it. I don’t actually need them, but think/feel I do, and act accordingly.
Thanks @Friday. These make me think that I'm back in the healthy connection with sometimes rolling over into overly dependent and then back again?
Maybe that is what I am doing, at certain points of crisis I feel overly dependent but otherwise it's connection?
 
Thanks @Friday. These make me think that I'm back in the healthy connection with sometimes rolling over into overly dependent and then back again?
Maybe that is what I am doing, at certain points of crisis I feel overly dependent but otherwise it's connection?
Truly… no idea. As I do not know what you think/feel, nor the intricacies of your relationship. Finding patterns, otoh, is far more elaborative. If you’re finding patterns of your relationship “changing” when you’re in one headspace, and reverting during others? That’s a solid tell of it being a you thing, rather than a we thing. An indication of where you are at, weather than where you both -or they- are at.

Either way? It’s a judgment call.
 
I think it is a me thing. Whatever this thing is.

What I'm wondering actually, is maybe what makes it so confusing is that different parts maybe are feeling different things? Maybe part of me is very dependent. Because another part of me is fine. And is being attached being dependent?

Thinking about all of your definitions of dependency, and thinking through what I 'do' as opposed to what I 'feel' at times. What I do is:
I do, when not in a triggered state, speak to those around me.
I do make decisions for myself and work things through with everyone (T and E and friends)
I do manage when she is off. The odd time, i might even be curious about how I will manage when she is off. (I.e this new break coming up, feel fine about it).
I do live a full life (when not triggered) outside of her.

What I also do is:
think about her daily
Read her emails
Talk to her in my head and help solves dilemmas that way for myself
look at her website (this has reduced, but increases at difficult times)

When I am overwhelmed I feel:
just crazy
very needy of her
feel unable to cope without her
Wanting her to make it all better, and wish it away

Could I imagine her not being my T? Nope! Well, I suppose I don't want to say goodbye to her and lose her. But can I imagine having another T and it working with them: yes, I can imagine myself opening up and working with someone else. So I don't know what that means, other than being in two minds about it again?
 
I've been reading along and thinking about what you've been saying. A thought that occurs to me is this. People who actually ARE too dependent on someone else don't seem to worry about it. Kind of like people who worry about being a narcissist aren't narcissists.

My T used to say people can be dependent, independent, and "anti-dependent" (which is what he said I was), but that the best is to be "interdependent". There's a give and take. Relationships go both ways. It doesn't seem to me like you're too dependent. What got a lot of us to needing therapy in the first place relates to how we learned to interact with other people (or not) as small children. If you never had the chance to learn to do it in a healthy way then, you can learn later but you still have to learn. And you can't learn ALONE. And learning means making mistakes. Mistakes aren't the end of the world, they're part of the process.

What does "too dependent" look like to you?
 
My sense is that you are talking about the discomfort with transference which is not the same thing as dependence but it is a form of connection. It’s a type of connection that can be so uncomfortable that there are whole styles of therapy that avoid it altogether. And clients who can smell transference a mile away and steer clear accordingly.

Transference is a powerful phenomenon which is not easy to navigate nor is it for everyone. Two people engaging willingly in a pseudo-attachment relationship for the purpose of ironing out kinks in the development of the client.

It takes a lot of trust. And T’s who work with transference don’t necessarily engage in that type of work with all their clients. Because it’s hard, and not all clients are able to deal with it, or it’s not a good fit.

All that thinking about your T, reading her words, looking at her website, hearing her in your head? That’s behavior which a child would *normally* go through with their parent. Children often want to marry their caregiver. You didn’t go through that developmentally. And you *get to* do that now. Which is pretty amazing!

Are there parts of you that are a little concerned or confused by that? Sure! Because adults don’t do that, so some adultish or teenish parts are trying to pull the alarm cord. To save face.

But wise adult self can tell them to chill. Because you have a professional T who has your best interests at heart. And she is not ever, never going to encourage you to be dependent on her. She’s trained to do this and she has worked with lots of clients in a similar way and seen them “grow up” and she’s been so proud of them and guess what? The transference goes away, because it was never meant to last. It doesn’t last for children and it doesn’t last for adults in therapy which utilizes transference—unless there is some kind of emotional manipulation going on—from the part of the parent in the case of children or the part of the therapist in the case of adults.

And when emotional manipulation happens on the part of the parent to the child? The adult ends up seeking endlessly to complete that development and shed that transferential feeling—which is what T is helping you do! And there might be some grief in eventually letting that go, because you won’t be that vulnerable again, and T was fully present with you in a most vulnerable state, which you never should have had to carry to adulthood—but you did, like many of us, and you’re taking care of it, unlike many adults.

So, good job I say! And keep going. And don’t buy into the fear that you are somehow being bound to T. All those feelings you are transferring onto her? Are showing your smallest parts that it’s okay to trust, and they will trust you, because you have their best interests at heart. T is modeling, and you are practicing, how you and your smallest, most vulnerable parts will be interacting for the rest of your life. And T will be (already is, but doesn’t want to scare you by saying it), proud of you. And you will be proud of your smallest parts someday too. That’s the goal at least.

ETA: I don’t think therapy with transference is the only way a person with developmental trauma can heal. It is one way that works for a number of people.
 
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