Whats up with my sibling?

[shatter eyes]

Hello

Been having a tough time getting my sibling onboard to help mom.

Mom is disabled and i am caregiver with TBI, PTSd, physical disabilities, MDD, and autism. I am burnt out. Mom level of care is increasing as she ages.

Recently mom was assaulted and sibling blamed mom. This attitude has been going for years where mom is blamed when bad things happen.

Sibling is in 40s and brings up how mom made her feel she was never good enough and that she wanted to die requiring weeks of counselling during her times at university. There was ni attempt, hospitalization, medication, and intense therapy.
I want to understand her.
Mom speaks highly of her and wants to see her hug her but is met with neglect and abusive treatment such as yelling threats, demeaning words, and hostility.

Mom docs have asked whats up too and no response. When i try to setup family plan sibling tells me her doc might out her on anti depressants because of mom.
I do not want to judge but it seems extreme that she is impaired from stepping up as the oldest non disabled high income "good life" member while a brain injured disabled brother looks after disabled mother, we are both on disability assistance.

I have certified dx, been hospitalized, medicated, intense ongoing therapy, failed S. attempts, daily SI, so i feel maybe she is excusing herself from stepping up as sibling for mom and family. To share the caregiver load.

Emails, calls, text, regarding mom healthcare and decisions of planning are ignored.

Docs had me ask her if u cannot offer time, care, emotional, administrative support then maybe financial support. She says she can offer admin and financial support then backs out.

When decisions about csre planning for comes up it is again ignored and when i pressed for input i am told mom will decline anyways so helping get help is a waste of time and money. WTF?

Mom put her thru school and helped her independance, car purchase, etc. Mom loves us both, i was the runaway kid, she was the good girl.

The relationship seemed fine up until 6 or 7 years ago. Its like out of nowhere she has resentment and anger at mom who needs us NOW. When i try to talk with sibling it is invalidating responses to mom and my struggles, avoidance of facts, ignoring communication even when mom was in hospital no calls no visits, and she get defensive then brings up how she was mistreated by mom growing up. (I think mom did her best and gave all she can to the golden child daugther. Our parents raised us in working lower middle class and saved every penny. Dad died early. Mom never held back giving to my sibling so i dont understand what could have happenned that caused this one sided relationship breakdown.

What is going on? Any guesses?

 

[digger]

It sounds to me that your sibling does not feel that they are in a place where they either can, or want to, support your mother in the way that you want them to, and that they are concerned that it would be damaging to their mental health to do so. While I hear that you don't seem to agree with their assessment, I think it's important to accept that that is where they're at with things personally.

You might not agree with their choices, but they have the right to make them. You've chosen to take on a caregiver role for your mother. They have chosen not to. That is their choice and it sounds like they are being quite clear on why that is - that they feel they were mistreated by your mother and aren't in a place where they can put that aside.

I know that there are people who believe children have an obligation to care for their parents, or that parents have a right to have their adult children in their life - personally I don't believe that, especially where there has been mistreatment.

Comparing suffering is not helpful in my opinion. Your symptoms and experiences may be 'more severe', but that doesn't mean theirs should be dismissed.

 

[shatter eyes]

Thank you for helping me get another perspective on things. I know comparing is not helpful as everybody is different and handles trauma differently. I did choose to do my best as caregiver and you are right i cannot expect my sibling to do the same.

 

[Teamwork]

Try changing the focus to asking others to help, say from church, moms friends, agencies that send volunteer visitors. This will give you support. If your sibling will buy bulk groceries once a month or pay a bill that would be great, but set it up so it is doable. More effort into making life nicer for you and mom and less about chasing a sibling who has made their position clear. Also know it is pretty common to have one person step up and everyone else take off. Encourage yourself that your doing fine with all this but look elsewhere for help so you can build your own team of helpers. Sometimes you just need that one person on the team who is able to organize the help and then it is off you.

 

[The Albatross]

The relationship seemed fine up until 6 or 7 years ago. Its like out of nowhere she has resentment and anger at mom who needs us NOW. When i try to talk with sibling it is invalidating responses to mom and my struggles, avoidance of facts, ignoring communication even when mom was in hospital no calls no visits, and she get defensive then brings up how she was mistreated by mom growing up. (I think mom did her best and gave all she can to the golden child daugther.

Seems to me the golden sibling would rather dig up "reasons" for opting out of her parent's care rather than share the responsibility for an elder parent. If she has "reasons" it shores up her position or justification for not sharing the load or responsibility AND it shifts this issue to herself instead of mom. Both my brother and BIL do it and have been for quite some time. Only my bro' is coming around after more than a decade.

 

[Friday]

so i dont understand what could have happenned that caused this one sided relationship breakdown.

And yet? Their relationship HAS broken down. And has been broken for years and years. You may not be privy to the details, or may not agree with the details you know, but when someone goes so far as to END the relationship? (To the point of not even visiting in the hospital during a crisis... but ended/finis/done) Expecting them to not just reestabilish the relationship but to take on the role of caregiver? Is very much like expecting someone to work for free (or more accurately pay to work) at a job they quit 6 or 7 years ago, sacrificing their current job in order to do so... because before they quit their old job they were a valued employee. Well, they haven’t been a valued employee there... for a long time, now. Or also similar expecting someone to have sex with their ex husband, just because they used to have sex whilst married. Or expecting someone to be attending university classes after they’ve graduated or dropped out, without first deciding to go back to school, and then reregistering as a student.

The relationship between your sib and your mom? Ended.

6 or 7 years ago, from the sound of it.

They may reestabilish the relationship at some point -or not- but expecting your sib to act as if the relationship is still very much a part of their life? Isn’t seeing that fact.

You may still be a valued employee, be having sex with your wife, be attending university classes, and have a relationship with your mom... but that YOU may be doing those things? Doesn’t mean that’s what your sib should also be doing. Their life is different from yours. Different equations = different answers. It doesn’t make the other answer wrong, unless you’re trying to plug it into the other equation. (So, of course, if you take her answer and plug it into your equation, it’s going to be wrong. But it’s right in THEIR equation.) If X is your mom, and it’s in your equation? -X being in your sib’s equation is going to change the answer. As well as what would have to happen IN that equation to transfer -X into +X, which will still make it look different from your equation. Does that parse?

 

[shatter eyes]

And yet? Their relationship HAS broken down. And has been broken for years and years. You may not be privy to the details, or may not agree with the details you know, but when someone goes so far as to END the relationship? (To the point of not even visiting in the hospital during a crisis... but ended/finis/done) Expecting them to not just reestabilish the relationship but to take on the role of caregiver? Is very much like expecting someone to work for free (or more accurately pay to work) at a job they quit 6 or 7 years ago, sacrificing their current job in order to do so... because before they quit their old job they were a valued employee. Well, they haven’t been a valued employee there... for a long time, now. Or also similar expecting someone to have sex with their ex husband, just because they used to have sex whilst married. Or expecting someone to be attending university classes after they’ve graduated or dropped out, without first deciding to go back to school, and then reregistering as a student.

The relationship between your sib and your mom? Ended.

6 or 7 years ago, from the sound of it.

They may reestabilish the relationship at some point -or not- but expecting your sib to act as if the relationship is still very much a part of their life? Isn’t seeing that fact.

You may still be a valued employee, be having sex with your wife, be attending university classes, and have a relationship with your mom... but that YOU may be doing those things? Doesn’t mean that’s what your sib should also be doing. Their life is different from yours. Different equations = different answers. It doesn’t make the other answer wrong, unless you’re trying to plug it into the other equation. (So, of course, if you take her answer and plug it into your equation, it’s going to be wrong. But it’s right in THEIR equation.) If X is your mom, and it’s in your equation? -X being in your sib’s equation is going to change the answer. As well as what would have to happen IN that equation to transfer -X into +X, which will still make it look different from your equation. Does that parse?

Thanks that is another perspective with a math analogy. The work example is helpful. When mom had a tribunal hearing few years ago i had "urged and pushed" my sibby to come so that we can be there for mom. The hearing kept us outside so we just sat in benches until hearing was over. Sibling while driving us home was clearly upset or tensed, then said she lost alot of money from sitting on a bench. Went on about how much she makes..etc. I felt guilty as i did not see that she would be upset coming out to the hearing. So yea... it is unrealistic to hope sibling will share the load. My equation has many variables and produces different answer. thanks.

Encourage yourself that your doing fine with all this but look elsewhere for help so you can build your own team of helpers. Sometimes you just need that one person on the team who is able to organize the help and then it is off you.

I am seeking that person that can organize help with me for mom. Currently building of helpers.
This is very positive thank you