What's With All The Secrets In My Family?

[Lady of Longbourn]

My therapist is always tell me "No Secrets Ayesha." "Do you have anymore secrets Ayesha?" "Any big secrets Ayesha?"

There is some concern about my grandfather's health at the moment and getting any information has been really hard. They are treating it like a secret. Don't most families sort of pull together? Mine seems to just getting more tight lipped.

My family gets together once a year. There is some conflict with my mother and grandmother. And conflict with my aunt's work so my aunt wants my husband and myself to come on new years. But she said all this through my mother, who then told me. Why can't she pick up the phone and call me, why can't she email? Again...it's like it's a secret. Like for some reason it is hushed up.

Conflict with my mother and grandmother. It's a secret. I don't really care to know but it's been 4 years since it happened and it hasn't been talked about becasue...it's all hushed up. Conflict is ignored, left to fester and then....it's a secret! Or gossip...

Feeling are a secret. Health is a secret. I sent everyone an email last night, as a group trying to get some foundation to an actual conversation. Like adults do, instead of the 'well, she said...' crap.

I am starting to really understand now why telling anyone that I was being raped was so hard. My whole family is so quiet about everything.

I hate secrets. I can totally understand why my therapist is always telling me, even randomly...'No secrets Ayesha'. He is right!

:banghead::bag::sour:

 

[Lucycat]

I am from a family of secrets too. Not just the abuse but other stuff. Like a favourite Uncle died when I was about 10. Thereafter he was never mentioned. We were not to ask for fear of upsetting someone. He died of cancer I have learned in my adult years - not exactly something to be ashamed of, but that is how it felt at the time.

When my brother has a problem he might tell me but only on condition I don't tell my other brother and vice versa. Neither share anything with mother. Yes, feelings are a big no-no. Not allowed them.

It is only since starting therapy that I have learned what a dysfunctional family I am from. Rory had tried to tell me before, but I just simply did not believe him. I thought it was all normal. Now that I know it is not I have been careful not to allow any new secrets into my life. I don't want or need them.

 

[Britt.f7]

Families are funny that way and not in a good way either. My grandma had something against one or the other person, and she would never tell why. Or she would say, someday. But we never knew. If any of her daughters were sick we were not suppose to tell grandma because they didn't think she could handle it. Then, when I was taking care of her, one or the other daughter would "hear" something about me and go to my mother, not to me. Now, both my mother and grandmother have died, so I think I will never know any of their "secrets". Though, I do have one aunt who wants to tell me a secret that she learned when my grandma died, now that my mom has too, and I refuse to hear. Last time she told me a "secret", we had a major falling out and we did not talk for 20 years.

I try to be up front with my immediate family, including my kids. I think kids hear more then you realize, I know I did. At least they know I'll be truthful.

 

[DMerish]

:devilish: Errrrrgh! I don't care for secrets either and I have many! My extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. on both sides) are very open people - they've had mostly very "normal" lives. Out of nine sets of couples (aunts/uncles) only two divorced: my parents and one aunt and uncle. My parents are both deceased, but extended family on both sides kept in touch with my parents individual. My divorced aunt and uncle, now in their 80's, are friends, see each other often, and show up at large family events together.

But with my own family (sisters and brother, and my children) it's different. My sisters do not talk with my brother. My eldest sister would rather not talk with my middle sister, who is the purveyor of secrets, any nonsense, really. She'll blab her mouth to anyone about anyone. And, I'm the gatekeeper of many secrets. I suppose it began with my parents (father was physically abused by his father and my mother was raped as a teen). Eldest sister was raped when she was three. Then there was my mother's car accident, and although extended family helped when they could, my father would have preferred that it was only us kids and her care taker.

Then there's me - my dysfunctional childhood, immediate family. My abuse from ex-H #2 and my PTSD which I only told my sons about at the end of last summer, but did not say what it was caused from. And, the ex told our children I wouldn't allow them to see him, nor any of my extended family because them and I are "crazy" - not true - the ex blamed his non-involvement on me and interfered with our children having outside contact with our children. There's also the added trauma that happened to my daughter last Fall (dx with severe PTSD), which she prefers no one talk about.

Secrets: I'm so tired of them. It's one of the reasons I isolate - I don't want to hear/keep anymore "secrets". I won't volunteer info about my own secrets, but will talk if someone asks in what seems a genuinely interested and caring manner. :devilish:

I don't know any other way to deal - :unsure:

 

[Ghostybear73]

No Ayesha, he is wrong. Your therapist should support you at your pace. When you want to share a secret, then do. If you don't want to talk about something, your therapist can budge you, but if you don't move, they should back off. Mine usually changes the subject to something a little less anxiety provoking. If you are being pushed to talk about something you are not ready to talk about, you can have setbacks. We all put ourselves on defensive mode when being backed into a corner. As far as other peoples secrets go; you can't control what other people do, only what you do. Focus on yourself and let their drama remain theirs!!!

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

@Ghostybear73 My therapist doesn't push things if I don't want to talk about them. If I say no then he accepts it and moves on. No worries there.

 

[Ghostybear73]

Thats good, it just sounded like he was being pushy by reading the top line of your post. Sorry if I misunderstood! :unsure:

 

[therisa]

Where do I begin, concerning my immediate family? There are so many things that are kept hidden, from both sides of the family tree. Whether, it is my brother's abusive behaviour, towards my mom and I, his alcoholism or my mental health battle, which I have kept secret, until January 2011, given my mom's very negative reaction, to such information. For I didn't feel safe, with my mom knowing about this part of my life, which stems from her inability to deal with the abuse, I suffered, while growing up. Often, enabling my brother, in his abusive behaviour.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Husband and I decided not to visit my aunt for New Years.

Mostly it's becasue we don't have the money and possibly the time. And also becasue there is already a secret in the holiday that I don't want to be apart of.

My aunt decided that she didn't want my mother and my grandmother in the same house together and risk a fight. Her house, so she can do that of course. So she told my mother not to come. But I should come, becasue my grandmother seems to really like me. But my mother told my grandmother the reason she can't come is becasue she can't afford it. So when I chatted with my grandmother it was all about how much she wishes my mother could come too.

I really don't want to be in the middle of another secret! I have been in too many, I am done!

 

[maryiscontrary]

I mean, certain things are best left confidential. Like it would be crazy sharing my social security number on the forum, or specific bank account information. You see the purpose of confidentiality there.

My family both keeps secrets and is in this self destructive denial. I just couldn't be part of it anymore, not without destroying myself. Secrets like that, in my opinion, are very dysfunctional.

 

[BeatenMan]

I get this constantly. Everytime I get around my immediate family, someone slips or says something about conversations and family meetings that are being had to discuss me. Most of the time this involves conversations between my abusive ex and my siblings and parents. Kind of feels like a kick in the gut everytime it happens. The old "Blood runs thicker than water" scenario sure missed my boat. Its funny though, when you have always been a peacemaker and finally hit your limit and tell them all to go to hell, it sure changes attitudes in a hurry. To bad I dont threaten and when I say im done, im usually done at that point.