What's Wrong With Me?

[Healing Reins]

This is kind of an awkward topic.. but it's been bugging me so...

Last school year (My junior year in high school, so when I was 17) I was raped by my ex. I hated every second of it, I hated the way he was in-between my legs, I hated the way he smelled, I hated the way it hurt a lot, and I hated the way he finished in me. Overall the experience was a very bad experience and I did not like, or approve of it. But lately something has been happening.

*Hides face in embarrassment* When I was around 12 or 13 I realized that if I touched myself 'down there' it would feel good. So I kept doing this. I didn't know what I was doing until I was about 16. I felt guilty while doing this, and I felt like I was doing something bad. Still to this day when I masturbate I feel guilty and bad. I feel guilty/bad because I think about my rape when I masturbate. I know I said stop, and I know I didn't want it, but this is starting to mess with my head. How can I think of such a terrible thing when I masturbate? I feel really guilty and embarrassed about this, because part of me thinks it was hot to some extent. I know I'm a bad person for thinking that and I know it needs to change because rape is not hot at all. Rape is a terrible way to get power. I don't think rape in general is hot. I just think my rape was hot. I promise I don't think it's hot when someone gets raped. I promise. I just don't know what to do about this. How can I change my thinking around this. I want to stop thinking about this when I masturbate. I actually want to stop masturbating too. But I don't know how.

I talked with my mentor, and she thinks it's normal to have these feelings, but I feel like it isn't. I also talked with D (the guy I like) And he said, masturbating is okay it releases a chemical in us to make us feel better. So it's okay to masturbate. But we talked for what seemed like hours about the rape part, and he also thinks it normal. He thinks that because my rapist said "It's hot to watch you squirm" That I somehow think this is hot. I'm not sure if that's why I think it's hot or not. But I feel like something is wrong with me, and I need help.

If you are going to comment on this, please don't be rude about this. This was really hard to admit and write, so please be respectful...

Am I alone in feeling this way?

I feel like I have betrayed my mind, and my soul

I also feel bad because The bible says not to masturbate and I do...I guess I want to know that I'm not alone, and If I am alone what I can do to stop

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think you're dealing with a lot right now so I hope you can be gentle with yourself. It is completely normal to have sexual thoughts and feelings related to our past abuse. I don't mean "normal" in the sense that it's a good thing and nothing to worry about, rather "normal" in the sense that these thoughts are not uncommon for survivors, and rather than beating ourselves up in shame, it's best to work through the issue so that future sexual relations (with ourselves or with others) can be healthier and not influenced by what happened in the past.

Masturbation is completely normal as well. I don't think it's necessary to stop unless you see it as a major problem at this time. I know it is a way that I can release stress and tension.

I hope that you can find a trauma counselor to help you. I think that this may be an issue that we can help you with somewhat here on the forum, but is best handled in depth with a trained trauma specialist.

You are not alone in the least. I still like (prefer) to have guys do to me what was done to me when I was abused. I've accepted this, and while some may assume it's replaying the trauma, I don't believe it is because it falls well within what people would consider a normal sexual act. But, in the end I know this preference was influenced by my abuse and there's nothing I can do to change that.

 

[Healing Reins]

@Solara I just feel so guilty when I masturbate. Like I know I'm not supposed to masturbate but I do. It's really bad. I don't judge people who masturbate. I just judge myself. Did you ever have the feelings of feeling guilty after pleasuring yourself?

 

[Go Hungry]

There's not anything wrong with you, not in any part. For one thing, masturbation isn't a bad. I'm not a christian so I can't really speak to the bible bit, but.. It's not a bad thing. So don't worry if you enjoy it.

About the fantasizing: It's just a fantasy foremost of all. Fantasies aren't reality, and they don't reflect upon your character. Having this fantasy does not make you a bad person. The truth is that when masturbating I often think of one of my abusers. Not because I'm happy with the way she treated me, but just because it was the most.. (powerful.. I guess) sexual experience I had that it just excites me somehow. I don't dwell on it, I just go on to think of other women who've been kinder to me. Don't dwell on this too much. It doesn't say a thing about you as a person.

 

[Definitely..maybe]

@Healing Reins I just want to re echo- you are completely normal. 100%.

You have absolutely nothing at all to be embarrassed about, so many survivors do that. I was raped and abused and as much as it sickens me to admit it it has shaped me sexually. I occasionally think about my assaults to be aroused and sexually I prefer to be dominated. Not something I'm proud of, but I've learned it's not something to be embarrassed about either.

Any (good) therapist or doctor will tell you it is completely normal. Please don't beat yourself up about this.:hug:

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@Healing Reins,
I haven't felt guilty for masturbating as an adult. Somehow as a child I knew it was "naughty" so I would go off by myself when I would engage in this behavior. I was never caught or told to stop, so I think this is part of why I never felt guilty.

I think that other people will be able to help you more with the guilt issue.

 

[Healing Reins]

@Solara
@Go Hungry
@Definitely..maybe

I feel guilty after masturbating though. I don't like feeling guilty. It makes me not want to masturbate anymore. But at the same time I feel like masturbation helps me (?) (Not sure if that's yet true) I need to stop masturbating but I don't know how. How do people stop masturbating? Is it possible? I almost feel like I'm trapped by this. I I'm in a conflict between right and wrong. Sin vs. no sin. I don't want to do the wrong thing anymore. How do I stop?

 

[Go Hungry]

I don't know how to tell you to stop, as I don't really think it's the wrong thing. And.. sheesh I don't want to be a jerk. But I know that in my past, the idea that it was wrong was part of the reason why I enjoyed it so much, at least when I was younger.

I lied about not being a christian. I was one when I was young. And when ~certain events~ made me very angry with God, and particularly angry with all the people who I felt would disapprove, the people who had made me feel guilty about doing it (and who had utterly failed to protect me), the act itself became a form of rebellion against them. The feeling of transgression was part of what made it so desirable. I was flipping off the world and having a great time doing it.

That was my experience. I don't know how it might relate to yours.

 

[Definitely..maybe]

Personally, I don't believe you should feel guilty at all.

Masturbating, in a strange way, may be helping you cope with the trauma as you're viewing it in a different way. But honestly, that could be far off and I'm sorry if it's wrong or doesn't apply to you. Masturbation to abuse can also be a form of self harm if you're hating yourself afterwards (quick google search). Again, may not apply. Masturbating besides those reasons is also completely normal.

With that said I understand if you have religions or personal reasons for not believing in it. I think it would be a great thing to bring up to a counselor and if you believe it is best for you to stop I'm sure they will have advice. But it seems like it may have to be a cold turkey thing.

 

[y5L]

I struggle with this too. Though I am a Christian and I don't want to do it anymore, there are times when I am so caught up in thoughts about having been raped and abused that I end up masturbating. For me what I figured out is that I get so panicked at the loss of control over my body that I take whatever route I can to regain that control.

With masturbation, not only have I regained control but it also obviously physically feels good, which distracts me from how badly I was just feeling when I was having bad memories.

But then the guilt and shame pop up. Which is just as bad as the memories.

Honestly realizing that for me it was about control was what most helped me make different choices when I otherwise would have felt like masturbation was my only choice.

So if it's not something you want to have in your life, take a look at why it's happening. Then maybe you can start taking steps towards making different choices. It takes a long time to change habits and there are lots of slip ups on the way, but if you really want to change it you can!

 

[Healing Reins]

@Go Hungry
I think for me the hardest question is why does God let bad things happen to good people. Is that what you felt?

@Definitely..maybe
"Masturbating, in a strange way, may be helping you cope with the trauma as you're viewing it in a different way. But honestly, that could be far off and I'm sorry if it's wrong or doesn't apply to you" I think that does apply to me. Like I feel like you're on to something there. Not sure what but I feel like you are for sure on to something. I think it makes me feel less bad about the situation I had to be in.

@y5L
I think it for sure distracts me when I'm feeling overwhelmed with really anything. It also feels good too- I think thats the part I feel most guilty about. The fact that it feels soooo good.

 

[Go Hungry]

@Go Hungry
I think for me the hardest question is why does God let bad things happen to good people. Is that what you felt?

Yes, that's what I felt. I had been told that if you believed in God, and had true faith, that he would protect you. That if you followed the bible and tried to live in a Christ-like manner, that everything in your life would fall into place, and you would be okay.

That is not what happened. Not at all. Trying to avoid the sin of Wrath made me a complete pushover. Turning the other cheek just made people hit me harder. Trying to love those who hurt me ("they needed love most of all") got me ridiculed and beaten and accused of being a "fag". And the worst of my abusers would often use God as an excuse for his actions. Ofcourse, whenever I brought this up to my pastors I was told that "God has a plan". Well apparently God's plan for me was to be a human toilet and punching bag.

I ended up splitting because the rage and fear of damnation was too great for a kid to handle. It was either go insane or die. So I went insane. Later on I came to realize that I was developing abandonment issues, which are usually reserved for betrayal by parents and caregivers. But I had been raised to believe that God was the ultimate caregiver, so his utter failure struck me as abandonment.

Sorry, I just realized this post has mostly just been about me. Anyways, as it applies to masturbation, I decided that if God wouldn't hold up his end of the deal, then he could just eat shit, and I would do whatever felt good. I was already damned for being born, right? So I just had fun. And it ended up saving me from (what is to me) a very ugly religion. I found Gods who didn't hate people for enjoying sex, and just generally didn't hate people at all. I was much happier as a result.