Relationship What's Wrong With Me

[Deleted member 27524]

I don't know what's wrong with me. My sufferer hadn't isolated in 6 months and over Memorial weekend he shut me out for days. It caught me totally off guard but I understood and played it cool giving him his space. When he did resurface he was sweet and things felt pretty normal but that whole week something just didn't feel right. The push/pull I have experienced for almost 2 weeks now has me in a total funk. We talked yesterday and I asked him if I made his ptsd worse and he said "no you make it all way better". I feel so confused, drained and numb to him. We have made huge strides over 2 1/2 years and I love him very much but I actually pushed him away last night and I dunno why. In fact I don't even know when I plan on trying to communicate with him again. I just feel very drained. I'm not usually an irritable person but I am feeling totally annoyed by him currently. I had been really sick and he just up and disappears and I think I felt like he didn't care about me. I felt alone and I have began asking myself why even be with him if I can't depend on him. I think that's my mind frame right now. It's not how I want to feel but it is how I just feel.

 

[Friday]

I have began asking myself why even be with him if I can't depend on him.

I guess it would pivot on how important you view dependence.

I'm pretty independent, so dependability isn't something that is high on my list of wants, much less needs. For others, it's their single biggest requirement in a long term partner, regardless of what they're initially attracted to.

 

[Muzikluvr]

I don't see it as a dependence issue, I see it as an interdependence issue. It's a relationship, which is a two-way street. Yes, he has PTSD, but he has to be able to be there for you too, when he can. If he can't, and you want more from him than he can give, then you have to choose how to proceed so that you can enjoy your life. No sufferer wants to have their supporter look back at their lives together and regret supporting them because it was too draining, and led to a life of misery or depression or angst, etc...

So, don't sacrifice for him. Compromise. The difference is that compromise means both of you work together to come up with a positive solution toward helping each other enjoy your lives to the best of your abilities. Sacrifice is just one person giving up too much for the sake of someone else... and it doesn't usually lead to bettering that other person's life anyway. How can anyone truly benefit while their best friend/supporter is suffering at their expense?

If you can enjoy life without him, then you should. If the relationship is worth fighting for then ask him to fight for it with you by making himself available to you to discuss your needs and how to meet them within this relationship. If he decides he can't, and you need to leave him, trust him enough to know his own limitations. And, if you choose to stay anyway, then remember that the choice has always been yours to make. And value yourself. Put yourself first sometimes.

That's my take, in a nutshell. I hope it's helpful.

 

[Sighs]

@Thunderstorm - If it helps at all, I've been through stages where I felt similar. After months of trying not to take his behaviour personally, I kinda hit a wall and just stopped caring about his behaviour - positive or negative. And then I felt like maybe I didn't actually care about HIM.

Looking back, I think maybe I was just exhausted. Not doing any of the self care that is so important.

I got through it by finally taking some time and energy for ME. And then I found that I'm just as in love with him as ever.

:hug:

 

[Deleted member 27524]

I think the distance makes all this so much harder. He tells me he's 'fine' when his actions the last two weeks suggest otherwise. It's just 'different'. He hasn't shut me out completely out communication has dropped drastically. I feel like even when he's communicating with me, his mind is elsewhere. Kinda like when your working at your desk and very into a project and someone walks in and says something to you and you just reply "uh huh" without even looking up? That is how I feel when I talk to him currently, like he heard nothing I say. I told him a few days ago that I felt unwanted to which he seemed completely bewildered by.

I had posted something to the effect that I was afraid I couldn't depend on him. Last night I began writing down instances in which he was/wanted to 'be there' for me. When I had to move abruptly he offered to come help me move on spur of the moment and a spur of the moment thing for him is very hard to just do. I had been having severe pressure in my head for awhile and it got so bad I had to go to the ER one night and they frightened me by leading me to believe I had an aneurism. So I was hysterical and his instant reaction was "what hospital are you at, I'm coming up there".He may not always be available to me emotionally or physically but at any given time I can tell him I need money and he wouldn't hesitate to send it to me. I was in a car accident two months ago and was talking to him on the phone at the time of impact when I was rear ended. I dropped the phone and couldn't return to him immediately because I was in pain and he was freaking out. He kept texting me saying he was on his way to please let him know something. I finally got back to him and told him I was okay not to make that drive. He HAS been there for me so I can't say he just never has.

Honesty is his cornerstone and I know that if he just didn't want me, he would say that. The problem I am having is by him saying he's fine and then communicating very little and not like the man I've gotten so close to. So to me if he's saying there is nothing bothering him then it must be me. I'd be okay if he said "yes Amanda I'm struggling" because then I get that okay it all makes sense, his sort of lack of interest,interaction, and affection. However all I get is an "naa I'm fine." The way things are I only feel unimportant, dead last and like he could care less. Which in return makes me bitter, resentful and more withdrawn from him. My motto is if the good times outweigh the bad then it's worth fighting for but I am certainly having trouble weathering the storm this time.

 

[Deleted member 27524]

He said he didn't want me..he can't be what I need. He said "I think about you many times during the day and I just bury it"..I am devastated and broken. Yet he just told me if I did anything "rash" we would for sure be closed? I'm so fu%#ed up.

 

[Sighs]

@Thunderstorm - huge :hug:. I have been in that place. I've been told 'its over'. I've been distanced when he is struggling within himself, to the point where I felt he wouldn't even notice much less care if I simply disappeared. I've thought about how to make myself disappear.

And not only am I still here but we're still together - still muddling through.

You may decide that you have had enough - that you want to get off the roller coaster. That's ok too.

He may decide he can't handle a relationship at the moment. That really honestly is not you - its him.

Or you may continue to muddle through like we are.

However it pans out - :hug: and support will be here on the forum for as long as you need it.

 

[Deleted member 27524]

Thank you @Sighs ! I am at a loss for words right now. We talked about the future and he said just a month ago "I've realized I can't ever let you go" and just 2 weeks ago "you make me so happy" those were his last words after a great convo and then boom he went into avoiding me.

 

[Sweetpea76]

My sufferer hadn't isolated in 6 months and over Memorial weekend he shut me out for days

Memorial Day does it to my vet every year. If you think about it, he just had a big reminder of all his fallen buddies shoved in his face for a whole weekend. It took me a few years to understand how much it triggers him, but I eventually learned to give mine "a pass" for his reaction to Memorial Day. It has him in a funk for weeks.

If I had any advice for you, it'd be to just ride it out and see if he comes around in a little while. If he was triggered by Memorial Day already, and then now feels relationship stress, he may be shutting down on you.

 

[Deleted member 27524]

@Sweetpea76 he literally said he couldn't be what I needed and then told me I better not be dating that it would really be over then and I'm sitting here like...what? You can't be what I need but I better not be dating? He still wants to talk to me. He kept trying to carry the convo on. I was just so confused. I don't even know what to think. I understand about Memorial Day. So your guy is in a funk for weeks after that ? I think it makes it harder where were apart. I can't read him as well.

 

[Sweetpea76]

It is confusing as hell.

I know not everybody is the same, but when my vet gets into a funk, he wants to "rescue" me by leaving me so I can find a "better man" or be happy without him. I've learned to just roll with it. Usually I just tell him I don't want to have to break in a new man all over again, so he better get used to me being around. I don't take it personal anymore. I know he does it when he is stressed, and that if he really wanted to be done with me, he knows where that door is.

 

[Sighs]

I second @Sweetpea76. My vet is just hell for about 6 weeks before Anzac Day (our version of Memorial Day). And every time we fight about anything his instant response is to say he's going to leave me. I used to think he was threatening me with leaving but now I realise that he sees it as another sacrifice he is prepared to make. (ie: his leaving will mean I am happy without him.) It can be very hard to cope with emotionally.