What's Wrong With Me???

[lostforgottensoul]

Go Team!!

Lol!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Im not sure what the site is blocking me from doing other then talking. But anyway, before the site spazed on me. And what it obviously doesnt want me to say is...

I have found an issue. When thinking of an obit to write just now, if i put anything besides 'loving caring mother" behind "my mother was' something deep inside that feels very young and i dont know if its my "inner child" or not but its something, a part of me that hasnt gone through and processed that they're bad and im not and did all of the healing the last 7 years.

Dont know, will need to figure that out. I used to fight myself all of the time and i knew i went back to fighting myself but its never been this distict and focused before.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I sit with that for an hour, not yet finding one word, annnnd in comes the nasuea, dizziness, blurried vision! I thought that was about my dad talking about moving. Obviously miss placed but still, its like my body is working against me. "You want answers? Well you aint getting anything! And here, take some nasuea with you while the door hits you in the ass!"

 

[Sideways]

It's really not a laughing matter, but I confess that made me giggle:rolleyes:

My brain seems to work like that. "Wha? Feelings?? You mean like this..?" *cue nausea*

No. Nausea doesn't count as an emotion.
"Oooh, you mean THIS!!" *cue migraine*

No, Brain! Emotions! Feelings! You know...!?! Duh, slaps head. Why do I bother!?

 

[shimmerz]

It feels more like quick sand, the more i fight the faster i go under and not able to move an inch no matter how hard i fight.

I identify this feeling as being overwhelmed. And you have lots of reasons for it. This may be a lesson 101 on 'how to listen to my body' opportunity.

It is really hard letting go of what we 'should' be doing, but for me was a requirement in healing. Please be kind to you.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Thank you @shimmerz! : hug: Yeah, my body is screaming something, huh?

But i guess its just frustrating me cause i cant even infestigate something or express anything. Like i went to go write a fake obit and i was saying in my head "my mom was" and if it wasnt "a loving mother" and was anything bad i got nauseous and dizzy, blurry vision etc. What the f*ck? I came to terms with them being abusive and them being bad and doing bad (as opposed to myself) about 6 months ago, so i feel like im starting from square one and thats just one reason, or one example. In my rational mind i get the steps werent lost but this is one example that makes me feel like they were.

This happens about every time I go near anything or investigate anything so i dont have a chance to step, or crawl, foward.

I stepped back from it but had to go to bed earlier than i was going to due to nausea and laying down after i got a bit calm and the body stuff had stoppped and came back "my mom was" and i said, just to test the water if you will, "abusive" and wham, back again. Along with double vision.

If i cant go near it, how can i express it to make those steps, or crawls, foward? My body seems to be telling me to just stop but what do i do to ensure i wont be backpeddling, like i feel like i am? All of the DBT and CBT isnt seeming to work here, tried that first.

Should i start over at the 'they are bad, im not' and what i worked through on all that? But, if I do, that's square one almost, isnt it?

I dont know, im rambling, sorry. I dont know what my body is telling me other than stop and trying to place me back at square one. Im trying in so many ways to investigate and express and move around this to figure it out so i can untangle it slowly but my body is keeping me from taking any steps to untangle it and express it.

 

[shimmerz]

My birth mother died right around the time that the DV happened to me (and thus the kindling of my chronic PTSD). I didn't know what my birth mother did to me. It had all been lied about and I was so little.

So wasn't I shocked when I almost went out of my mind when I found out she died! I had no frame of reference for it but I kept thinking 'I don't know where she IS? She is going to FIND me!' Made absolutely no sense to me at the time. 5 years later I found out the truth of the matter. She had wanted me dead many times over and was extremely abusive.

I think what I am trying to say here Lost is that this stuff 'just is'. There is going to be a really strong reaction to her dying - through every cell of your being.

I am wondering if you could just allow yourself to not write fake obits, not immerse yourself in challenging what is happening right now with you and maybe when you feel it coming on repeat something like 'Ah..... okay, freaking out because of my mother'. I also, when I did this type of thing, used to shiver. I taught myself how to - so that I could expel the feeling.

Not sure if this helps at all.... just a few thoughts. My best to you.... be kind if you can.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I also, when I did this type of thing, used to shiver. I taught myself how to - so that I could expel the feeling.

Taught yourself how to shiver to expel the feeling? I am, without trying, shiver or trembling inside and out and from when i shifted blame, i know that happens when super intense emotions, more intense then im ever used to feeling, comes through me. Its what happened the next day after i shifted blame, i was trembling inside and out. Thats happening again. Id say its like shivering except im not cold.

I am wondering if you could just allow yourself to not write fake obits, not immerse yourself in challenging what is happening right now with you and maybe when you feel it coming on repeat something like 'Ah..... okay, freaking out because of my mother'.

So, are you saying to stop, sit with it sort of, let it be, let it come, name what I can? Thats how im understanding that, and thats totally ok. I just want to make sure i understood correctly.

At what point did you feel as through you were processing it and, you know, dealing with it? Like when did you know you were moving foward?

 

[shimmerz]

Thats happening again. Id say its like shivering except im not cold.

Yeah, I am not cold either. Although there are times that I get deathly cold (forgive the drama-esq terminology, it's just the way it feels). And I would say if it is happening again, you have some stuff going on that is affecting you.

Ideally I would practice shivering when I didn't have really serious stuff going on. You know, with more minor issues. Clearly this isn't an option right now for you as you have pretty big things happening.

I use imagery a lot. I picture, while I am shivering, 'things' (whatever that may be - for me it was bugs, spiders, snakes, black lines) leaving me. Sounds strange, I know, but it was really helpful for me. I wouldn't do it necessarily with the intention of stopping shivering, I would just let that happen, but I would continue to visualize while it was happening.

So, are you saying to stop, sit with it sort of, let it be, let it come, name what I can?

Yes. I don't know if now is a good time to poke at the hornet's nest, you know?

 

[shimmerz]

At what point did you feel as through you were processing it and, you know, dealing with it? Like when did you know you were moving foward?

Sorry, forgot this part. I felt like I was moving forward when I noticed that the things that I practiced were coming to me naturally. Kind of like re-programming the bad stuff with new and improved good stuff and realizing that it was 'sticking'. Does that make sense to you at all?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Does that make sense to you at all?

It does.

I use imagery a lot. I picture, while I am shivering, 'things' (whatever that may be - for me it was bugs, spiders, snakes, black lines) leaving me. Sounds strange, I know, but it was really helpful for me. I wouldn't do it necessarily with the intention of stopping shivering, I would just let that happen, but I would continue to visualize while it was happening.

That makes sense. Picturing something your afraid of? Wouldnt be bugs or snakes for me, i love snakes but thats intresting. So its to allow yourself to be afraid, the main reason someone trembles? Or let whatever happens happen?

Its an intresting idea. Imaginary stuff is used in DBT to feel safe so i can see this working backwards.

Kind of like re-programming the bad stuff with new and improved good stuff and realizing that it was 'sticking'.

Yeah, like the old "programmed" side which is now coming back out (this is where i feel like I back peddled to), merges with the new side thats not "programmed" and sees they were abusive and that i wasnt to blame and uses CBT & DBT and other tools...has made the huge steps i have. Right? Like a merging or sorts?

 

[shimmerz]

has made the huge steps i have. Right? Like a merging or sorts?

Yes, exactly. It gives you an opportunity to close the door using the tools that you have learned. You have also reached out (which is good), are noticing your body (which is great), and have learned to put words to things. All really good stuff - which is why healing gets easier (I think) as time goes on. I found it was kind of like a snowball effect thing.

Oh, and btw, these weren't things that I was afraid of. They were just images that came to me (and switched spontaneously) as I was releasing. I am NOW afraid of them (because they were used as external cues to dump the trauma into), but that, to me, is much better than having it course through my insides.

Hope you are feeling better.