What's Wrong With Me???

[lostforgottensoul]

I think (i think) what's freaking me out, a lot, is my old mind coming back. It wasnt good back then and its not good now and back feeling like I am fighting myself again feels like I climbed 50 rungs on a ladder back then, during healing, and just fell 50 to re-climb the same rungs again, if that makes sense.

Having my old self back is also very much scaring me.

I think, i have the understand (or what im beginning to understand from talking to you @shimmerz) is the falling of the old 50 rungs on the ladder is an illusion and that instead, there are two parts of me merging. That merging makes me feel unstable/unsteady and creates the illusion that ive just fallen back down to where i started.

Correct me if im wrong on that though.

My old brain plays a ton of tricks on me and isnt fazed by new tools what so ever. A religous person may say that "Satan (or a demon) is playing tricks on you" or whatever. Thats what it feels like, though may not be true. Its crazy stuff that makes you feel like you've gone mad.

Sigh! I feel like this is going to take a long while, though i sure hope it gets easier.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

That old self is kicking in my head. Justifying it all, all over again. I hope i can catch it if blame starts to move back over but those thoughts are now kicking in high gear. Wanting to defend them. Now the thought process is "she gave birth to me, that had to have been love" and then sitting there, questioning, was it really that bad? Was it really abuse? Was it bad at all? Was she really good and loving? Am I calling an apple a pear? Was it really love? Is my family correct?

Maybe I have to conqure that to really start to heal? My already existing doubts about it, coming to light or something, I dont know. I dont know what that is, but its starting to very much confuse me!

 

[shimmerz]

Somehow I lost track of this thread. *heavy sigh* So sorry Lost.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

No need to be sorry @shimmerz (you sound like me appologizing all over the place :p) I havent posted here for a long while.

Blame didnt move back over. Im still justifying it but not as bad as it was. Im fully numb and shut down most of the time (I think because of whats recently going on) and so im not dealing with my mom but last few days ive been feeling it just under the surface. Massive massive pain that is very hard to bare under the surface let alone full force. Different thoughts of pain, sadness, fear, doubt, all sorts of stuff.

Ive been trying to leave it alone and let it sit there (sort of my motto since you've told me to stop fighting) but when i try to investgate it, i go numb again. Gets rather frustrating but trying to just let it be for now.

Ive been thinking about reading Risin' Strong, the book my dad gave me for Christmas last year that I havent yet touched but then im wondering if I should buy and read The Body Keeps The Score. Not sure which one (lighter and not lighter) that would be better right now.

I still feel stuck and wanted to create threads but then they seemed dumb so didnt. Just been, I dont know...here.

ETA: Oh, also, I think the feelings are back because im watching the old show I loved back in '99/'00 called Higher Ground on youtube at work. Its about a second chance high school for abused teenagers. It brings back a lot.

 

[shimmerz]

(you sound like me appologizing all over the place :p)

lol. Yeah, I haven't quite gotten a grip on the 'no need to profusely apologize' lesson yet. A decade later and still working on that one! Yikes!

You have a ton going on right now. And obviously a ton of conflicting thoughts when it comes to your mother. I don't know that numb is a bad thing on that topic right now. I think I was just saying not to actively look for trouble (like writing obits etc).

Seems like you had just been hit with a huge blow and another snuck up on you. I wish that wasn't happening to you. Please take it easy on you. You are a good soul.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

You are a good soul.

Why thank you! :hug:

Psst, lookie, I didnt argue with a compliment ;)

Seems like you had just been hit with a huge blow and another snuck up on you.

Yeah, right? I think the Universe is trying to figure how much one person can take before they crack. Or he/she/it is just laughing.

I don't know that numb is a bad thing on that topic right now. I think I was just saying not to actively look for trouble (like writing obits etc).

Yeah. I was thinking about another letter/poem whatever but started to fight with myself and so i nix that idea.

lol. Yeah, I haven't quite gotten a grip on the 'no need to profusely apologize' lesson yet. A decade later and still working on that one! Yikes!

Lol! Ive always appologized, for everything. People tell me all the time to stop constantly appologizing and im like "oh, sorry" lol.

 

[shimmerz]

Psst, lookie, I didnt argue with a compliment ;)

Snoopy Victory Dance happens HERE! NOW!

*suggesting to the Universe that Lost receives browny points for her hard work lately* That direct line to the top peeps comes in handy sometimes! :cool:

 

[Freedomfighter]

I have ZERO "get up and go" today! None! I needed to go to the store as next week I have to...

What you are describing is very familiar to me, being on the edge between life and death, yes I do know about that edge. Absolute misery for a PTSD patient.

Be patient with yourself and if you can take free time...

Here is a link to some UTube therapeutical videos, audio music only, no talking.... I hope you like these therapeutical videos, they help me a lot.