Whats Wrong With Wanting To Be Dead?

[Martin Metcalf]

What's wrong with the thought? It is so pleasing and releases so much pressure...

 

[a3a2]

Here one of the problems.....from the person who finds you, to the police officers they call, to the chaplain who has to tell your loved ones...to the spouses and children they go home to....each one will carry away a painful scar.

I am sorry you are hurting, Martin. There is help, and I am convinced you can feel better. I am glad you are here on the forum. It is a great place to start to find understanding and compassionate people. I strongly recommend you seek therapy, and if you can't afford it, talk to a member of the clergy. Be honest about how much pain you are experiencing. There is help out there.

I hope to hear from you soon, Martin.

 

[Martin Metcalf]

Hey a3a2 (strange name...), I don't care for the chaplains, the police or the medics - I really don't. They chose the jobs and de facto - dead people are part of it. I'm an EMT myself and it doesn't botrther me - I envy the odd dead person I see.

When I was in the army I told the psych that I had thoughts of throwing grenades into crowds - he told me that there was nothing wrong having those thoughts, that in fact people have thoughts not dissimilar from that here and then. If that's the case then people must have thoughts of being dead - when I have asked people I get the weirdest looks.

Perhaps I'm just too pragmatic for my own good.

Therapy didn't work - 2 years out patient, 7 months in patient in a military hospital.

 

[missd84]

Martin,

I supsect the reason you feel envy of dead people is that all your pain and suffering would then be over. While I have similar thoughts, I personally cannot stand the thought of how much it would hurt my friends and family. That's what keeps me living.

Also, remember that there's no set amount of time to recover from anything. That's just pressure we put on ourselves because we think we should be at point A by a certain time and then when we aren't we go into that whole viscious blame and shame cycle. Find an approach that works for you and figure out what is worth living for. I think you will feel a lot better once you do.

Peace be with you,
missd84

 

[a3a2]

I've been there. Many times. Wanting to be dead. But right now, I am glad I got the help I needed. So is my husband. So are my kids and my friends.

Martin, do you see those you work with as people? Or as their jobs? I know a lot of police...and they are bothered by dead people. Especially suicides.

Martin, I want you to live.

 

[Teller]

If I am getting your point right, it is more about the fantasy of death that releases pressure than the actual intent of doing so?

I would agree to that being normal and a reasonable response. Absurd fantasies that are never meant to be 'lived' (pun, sorry) out, are normal. And that is all they are, fantasies. Nothing wrong with that.

A counselor once told me that having a suicide fantasy can work as a safety net emotionally. To allow yourself to believe you have an 'out' (though deep deep down you know it is not truly an out or even an option) keeps you above your lowest of lows. The "safety net" of morbid fantasy can work as a "at least I am not there yet, I am still alive so things can't be all bad" and form hope and motivation.

However, to actually and truly want to harm yourself is a different matter and needs attending to. Would you agree that there is a difference between saying "I want to be dead" and "I want to kill myself"? I think so. One requires personal intent and is active. The other is a desire that is more disembodied and almost third person, as in "If by chance I got into a horrible plane wreck, that'd be a-okay".

Note: I am speaking strictly about the passive thought of wanting to be dead--which as I noted I think can be a useful fantasy. I am not talking about planning, and wanting to kill yourself, also as I noted is quite active.

 

[Srain]

Many people live with the Suicidal Ideation, is this what you are talking about?

I live with this, I don't personally find it "pleasing or pleasurable", never have. I find it a part of my life that I am learning to live with, it's there when I am happy, bored, angry, shopping, talking, playing, working, etc. It's always a thought aching to present itself over and over. A mean nasty intruder. I have endless stories of how I encouraged it to play out as a teen, how it played out automatically in my twenties, how I worked tirelessly to control to get the thoughts put back into a box on a shelf in my mind where it can yell at me, occasionally slipping out.

I use to believe that my out was death so then I could breathe and then go to sleep but then as I lost those closest to me over and over, I found things changed. It's much different being the one left behind with the screamer in your head. It's much different when new children look to you to be the adult and you are no longer the child. Life changes.

But, we are all different.

Peace,
Rain

 

[Lucycat]

Would you agree that there is a difference between saying "I want to be dead" and "I want to kill myself"? I think so.

That is a very interesting point. When I was at my lowest I sent my T a text saying 'I just want to be dead'. It was exactly how I felt, but now I can see the difference, the point you are making.

For me the problem with 'What's wrong with wanting to be dead?' is that it was an all consuming thought. It just went round and round in my head and stopped me from functioning. I could not get on with living because I was so preoccupied with dying.

As for the effects on friends, family, loved ones and professionals I entirely get that. When you are so focussed on yourself none of them matter, regardless of just how selfish that seems. It is easy to look back and rationalise it all now I am feeling better, but being in that dark place thinking about death all the time is so hard.

Martin, I am so sorry that therapy has not helped you. Maybe the wrong type of therapy, or the wrong therapist. I have been having therapy for 18 months and it has made an enormous difference to my life. I do hope that you have not given up with this as I truly believe there is a way through it.

I wish you well
Lucy x

 

[Nighthawk]

I think about death all the time. The way out the never waking up. I wonder if I am going to be stuck in this life forever just so I can suffer more. I continue to push forward to fight for what little part might actually be me or even be real. I really think I am just looking for peace and quiet somewhere my head does not interfere. I have been with a new TT for the last 6 months after 7 years of therapy that did not help and I can honestly say the TT is helping me understand myself and my responses to situations. I am in the dark place down the hole wanting to come up for air hoping something will lift so the strain of every waking moment will go away.

I don't necessarily think there is anything wrong with thinking about death as long as you know you will not create the outcome yourself. Have a backup plan in place. Someone you can talk to and if the thought becomes a plan seek help as soon as possible.

Please do take care of yourself find a way to nurture you to bring back something that feels ok.