When abusers change

[Deleted member 541]

Mine have never changed. Don’t expect them to .... Don’t want them in my life either.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@Rad I think your letter was perfect and you expressed everything so very well, it was a very beautiful expression of how you feel and where you are at and it is honest as well. I think that if you are unable to forgive her,perhaps this is because she has not sincerely apologized and has she made any real amends?? I think fogiveness needs this things when one has abused another. You asked her to forgive you but gave good reasons for why you are feeling the way you do. There is no need for a sincere apology or making amends to her from you. I loved your letter so much. I wish you good luck with your mom. A friend of mine once worked in a nursing home and there is a phenonom of when the some of the older people are getting close to dying, the confessions come pouring out of them so I think that loss of parents does have an impact on some abusive people.

I had to break off contact with my very abusive father and he tried a few times to get back into my life without an apology but rather by manipulating my brother into trying to be a go between. Sickening. My dad finally died a few years ago and I just felt relief that he could not hurt a child anymore. But then I was not abusive to my kids either. So it had low impact on me.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I have an update to this for those of you who are interested :)

I have to say, at first I was very optimistic and I thought that my grandmother dying might have created new possibilities for communication between my mother and me. When I sent her that letter, she replied that she "understood more than I was aware of" and she said that she deeply regretted the way she treated me, viewing her own "malice" as the same frenzy an animal experiences when in extreme pain.

So far so good. I went to visit her and my uncle the day afterwards. It was more difficult than I expected - I suffered from severe anxiety in the train - more than usual - panicked, self harmed and had a very hard time not seeming completely insane to all the other travelers. When I got out of the train, I fled to the isolated part of the platform and sat there just hitting myself and my bike and I had no idea what to do. In my heart I wanted to go home and not deal with her.

I called several people, of whom nobody picked up, and after an hour my uncle called and they finally offered to come pick me up. My mother had made a rather depressing dinner consisting of canned soup and buns - I did not dislike it, but it made me sad, because our gathering seemed rather uncomfortable. We chatted about completely dull things - superficial talk - until I couldn´t take it anymore - then I said I was going out for a walk. I called a friend of mine, who helped me.

I went back in, and it was better now, they seemed to have relaxed a little bit and I was feeling less tense on account of talking to my friend. We finally conversed about something meaningful (my grandparents and church). Then my mother left and my uncle offered to take me back to the train station. I offered to come visit him more often, to which he said yes and it seemed very genuine. During the dinner I had also asked my mother if she could possibly spare some money.

I did not request it forcibly, I just said "if" she could spare any, I could use it. I had invested quite a lot of money in good clothes and shoes for the funeral, considering I only had crappy clothes that I would not have dared to wear. She said that she could help me with that. A week later, I got an email from her in which she stated that she could not give me any money, because, I would never share anything about my life with her and I never did anything for her, so I did not quite deserve anything in return.

This angered me quite a lot. During the funeral I was there to support her, I sent her several messages saying that I hoped she was okay (prior to the funeral). I gave her a present which was sort of symbolic because I had it specially made. I wrote her that lengthy letter explaining my emotions. And then I went through the trouble of dealing with that train ride, hurting myself, and seeming completely insane to the other passengers. In short I think I have done what I could for her.

I wrote back that it seems that I can never be what she wants me to be. I think she misunderstood my entire letter. If she thinks I´m an evil child for not conforming to her expectations of me, she obviously does not understand why I don´t write her more often, and she obviously does not forgive me for not doing so.

In short: we´re back were we started. Maybe abusers never change after all.
I don´t know. I hope other people have better luck.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am really sad that you went through all of that to find out such a sad and depressing fact about your mom remaining in her denial and stubborness and meanness too. Sending you hugs, nothing wrong with you, plenty with your mom. You really tried to open a door and it is so wrong that your mom does not have what it takes to appreciate you as a good daughter. She seems to never ever be satisfied with simple pleasures with you. I am so very sorry for it to turn out the way it did.:hug::hug::hug:

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Thank you Rain! I guess it´s better that I found out now, than remain in denial (about her denial). Also *cough* I could never be her daughter, daughters don´t grow beards :D

 

[shimmerz]

I am honestly not certain that the dynamic with you and your mother (or others in the same dysfunctional position) can actually be repaired without her getting some serious therapy. Just my 2 cents.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

You are probably right @shimmerz . She lives in France though.
Even if she lived here, I do not think it´d be good for me to see her in a therapy setting. At all. :) So we´ll just leave it as is.

 

[shimmerz]

I do not think it´d be good for me to see her in a therapy setting.

Yeah, I am thinking if she refuses to go to therapy (France or not :rolleyes:) then then she isn't really looking at fixing her. It would most likely be an expectation of hers to fix YOU. :roflmao::roflmao::roflmao: Some people. :ninja:

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I honestly think that she wants to fix me (and probably views it as a favor). Mothers are weird...