Relationship When All You Know Is Ptsd

[Sami - sadwife]

Hey guys,

I just joined. I've been struggling a lot lately because I basically just realized that everything I hate about my husband can be attributed to his PTSD. And I'm feeling hopeless because of it.

Let me backtrack:
On our first date, my husband told me he had PTSD. So that's all I ever knew of who he was. I have to admit that I don't think I took much stock in it. He seemed normal enough. A generally aggressive human being, but he gave the impression that was just his personality. And I liked it personally. So the whole idea of it fell to the back of my mind. Years later he finally decided to pursue therapy for it, and that was good, but again, I only saw it as a means for him to finally rejoin the world (as in his struggles with restarting his career, etc), and again I didn't really think any of it had to do with me.

So when it really started to flair up a few months ago, mostly due to his post-grad program giving him hell, I just thought he was under stress. I tried to find ways to relieve his stress to no avail. And it was only after a healthy dose of fighting that he asked if I'd even ever looked up how to care for someone with PTSD. I didn't.

But then I did. And boy was I bowled over! I realized that everything, and I mean everything I've hated about our relationship from the moment we got married could be attributed to PTSD. His attitude, how he fights me on little things, dismisses me, plays down my feelings, stonewalls, gives the silent treatment, doesn't sleep, keeps secrets, is irritable, forgetful, sometimes seems confused (I borrowed this list from another user because it was perfect), and most importantly how we've gradually been having less and less and less sex (and we've only been married a couple years!).

I'm feeling hopeless here. When I thought these things were just bad traits, I thought they were things I could retrain. Now that I think of them as part of his PTSD, I feel like there's nothing that can change.

I'm an action-oriented person, so I'm frustrated that there aren't concrete things I can do to fix things. And I'm guilty that many days I feel like I just want out.

Sorry for the rant but I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this.

 

[Gadgie]

Well, you've come to the right place to talk about in here, welcome to the site.

 

[VikVikViktorious]

Wow. What an amazing thing you are doing by joining us here! To be quite honest, most people wouldn't do that kind of thing until it's too late. I am really impressed.

 

[Friday]

I'm feeling hopeless here. When I thought these things were just bad traits, I thought they were things I could retrain. Now that I think of them as part of his PTSD, I feel like there's nothing that can change.

Well... The "good" news here is that you were always wrong. Marrying someone with the intent to change them? You've heard that doesn't work, right? Probably a lot? But for whatever reason, you blew that off. A lot of people do. So where the hell is the good news in this? It usually takes people who are bound and determined to train their spouses years and years and years to realize... Everyone was right. While compromise is possible to some degree, because people really do move mountains for the people they love, existing problems tend to get worse, not better, over time. And that's for people with no disorder, whatsoever, but are completely neurotypical. That not changing is no reflection on how much they love you. It's quite simply, who they are.

Add in a disorder? Nope. Your dyslexic will never learn to read faster, your ADHD'er will always be misplacing things, your PTSD'er will have a finite capacity for stress, your Aspie will always have trouble reading social cues, et cetera.

Whilst PTSD is cyclic? Symptoms don't stay full on forever, but come and go in response to...many things... It is a life long disorder. So you've got an opportunity here. Your illusions about changing your husband have been shattered, which means you can take a real, hard, honest look at whether or not he is someone you want to spend your life with. The real him. Not the fantasy of who he could be after you finish changing him, and isn't.

The answer may well be no. He isn't someone you want to spend your life with. And that's fair. Or the answer could be a knock down drag out yes!, he is, with all your heart. Either way? That's not "good" news, but real, honest to blazes, good news.

Welcome to the forums :)

 

[Mytime]

Welcome to the forum. Glad you found us:)

 

[EveHarrington]

Well, yes and no-----just because traits are related to PTSD doesn't mean that they can't change. It takes hard work on the part of the sufferer. Not all traits can disappear though. I think the irritability can lessen, but for me, it will always be there to a degree (thank you, PTSD stress cup!) The same goes for my sleep issues and forgetfulness.

All is not lost! Things can indeed change, but not everything will change.

I think it's also important to note that even in normal people------if you married a normal non PTSD person with negative traits and expected them to be "fixed", you'd be sorely disappointed as people don't just shed these negative traits over time. The "negative" is part of who we are, just as the "positive" is-----

Is your guy in treatment? I think that's key to healing PTSD.

Welcome! :)

 

[Sami - sadwife]

Well... The "good" news here is that you were always wrong. Marrying someone with the intent to cha...

I knew I'd need to clarify this when I said it. I know well that you can't change a person when you marry them. I was referring more to the fact that you can tell a person that you feel their actions are hurtful and that they upset you. And then you can hope that they will work to adjust those habits in order to make you happy. This is the normal process of coming together with a person. Both of you adjust certain habits that may bother the other person. I myself have done lots of it. I've adjusted many habits that I've learned bother him. What I'm talking about is that, with someone with PTSD, that doesn't work. I can't hope that telling him: "Ignoring me is hurtful. Can you please respond to me when I'm talking?" will help because I have to just accept that he has PTSD so that's just not gunna change.

 

[Sami - sadwife]

He is indeed in treatment. Or he was, when he was going to school in another state. Now that he's back home, he's having a hard time finding another good therapist who's covered by our insurance and is trained in CBT and ESRD. He was seeing two before, and now none.

And I guess I get upset because I think a lot of his symptoms aren't there when he's away from me. He always sleeps well when he's not home. We'd have a nightly call and he'd knock out before 11 sometimes. And I know this is mildly unreasonable, but it hurts me to no end that he hardly sleeps in our bed when I'm there. He'll crawl in sometime between 5 and 7 am and I've been tossing all night because he's not there, now I consequently end up late for work, because we're making up for lost time. And again, maybe I'm being absurd, but it also makes me think, when are we ever going to have sex if you're not here?

When he was away at school, our relationship was great, but it's like he can only tolerate me in small doses (AGAIN, this is just my feelings and I know I'm being paranoid but I still feel them).

 

[Broken Dahlia]

He is indeed in treatment. Or he was, when he was going to school in another state. Now that he'...

You sound a lot like my husband. He has been waiting for me to get better so we can have a normal life, and has had to give up that dream. I told him about PTSD when we met, and he also dismissed it. He didn't learn about it for years and criticized me for my symptoms. I have planned to leave for years because I thought it was inevitable; how would we ever have a healthy relationship if he couldn't accept all of me?
Yesterday he went to his first session with a marriage counselor who is also my somatic experiencing therapist. She told me how helpful it was to meet him, how much he loves me and wants to support me, and how much help he needs to learn how to do that. It is a skill that needs to be developed, but the first thing she said he needs to work on is himself, his reactions. We both need to learn how to better handle stress, to be less reactive. We both need to work on ourselves in order to have the healthy relationship that we want. She was much more optimistic than I thought she would be. I thought we were over, beyond repair, fundamentally incompatible. Apparently not.
Staying in this relationship will take a lot of work on both sides. I cannot go to enough therapy alone and fix my marriage, neither can your husband.
Our therapist is encouraging my husband to learn more about PTSD so that I don't have to feel so alone. When she told me that today I burst into tears because for me that is the worst thing about it, the crushing loneliness and isolation. Isolation is labelled a symptom, but who wouldn't choose to isolate when no one in their world can understand or relate? We need a safe place, a safe person. Hope I haven't offended you, I can just really relate.

 

[Sami - sadwife]

You sound a lot like my husband. He has been waiting for me to get better so we can have a normal...

Thank you. Your comments are really very helpful. I've been thinking about marriage counseling for a little while now but didn't really know how to approach it. Doesn't help that he doesn't have a therapist right now. And I'm also not sure if insurance covers marriage counseling.

I honestly don't know if I want it to work or not but I'd like to keep trying. I do love him dearly but I feel like my own needs go to the wayside because of his PTSD.

 

[Broken Dahlia]

Thank you. Your comments are really very helpful. I've been thinking about marriage counseling f...

I understand. I've offered to divorce my husband more times than I can count for his sake. I can't get away from me, but he could. I would if I could, that is where suicidal ideation and addiction come into play. He hasn't taken me up on it but has gotten close. I'm amazed we are still together, as PTSD isn't our only or often biggest problem. It is hard, but after hearing from my therapist how much he loves me I have more hope. I honestly thought that he was still with me out of pity and obligation, and sometimes maybe he is.

Your needs will often take a backseat until he learns to better manage his symptoms-this is where I am at now. I don't mean to dismiss my husband's feelings or needs, but when I am triggered I am in survival mode. I need someone to help me or get out of my way. Later on I feel guilty, but in the moment I feel incapable of empathy. It is a horrible feeling.

One good thing, my husband has told me that he thinks I am just more evolved than the average person. Honesty is required and I have an ability to connect with others that sometimes startles him. I am unable to put on the social mask that others do and every once in awhile I meet someone who appreciates that.

We also sleep separately. I was embarrassed to tell anyone, it is a habit that developed because I can't sleep in our bedroom due to hypervigilance. I need to know what is happening in our house and can't do that in another room especially with the door closed. Plus he snores. Therapist told me that lots of couples sleep apart and it isn't an indicator of the quality of their relationship, it just means that they need sleep. It really is a sleep issue but has a stigma so most people aren't honest about it, like me.

I hope you guys can get through this. It takes work but it is worth it, I think. We have our 10th anniversary in December and I am starting to feel like it is something to celebrate. It is definitely an accomplishment.

 

[Sami - sadwife]

I understand. I've offered to divorce my husband more times than I can count for his sake. I can'...

It's so funny of you to say: I always tell my husband the exact same thing, that he's more evolved than the average person. And yes, when people meet him they either love him or hate him. There's no middle ground. And he has little patience for typical social structures and expectations.

The sleep thing is admittedly a really, really hard thing for me to get passed. Not only have I gotten used to sleeping with him and don't sleep well when I know he's right outside the door--I keep waking up expecting to roll over and into his back--but also because I just can't get passed all the social expectations of it. We're taught that so much healthy relationship dynamics come out of sharing that bed at night.