Relationship When Arguments Turn Physical

[Hashi]

I think what just happened is key. After reading this thread and posting, I knew there was probably no point. khreative, I'm going to talk directly to you because otherwise I'm talking about you as a third person in your own thread. I wondered, what to say to you, when you obviously see things differently, and I knew that what I said was unlikely to make any difference.

I'm on the outside looking in, and you're on the inside. I hope StrongerNow's words can reach you even if no-one else's do. Also the words of other people here who have been in abusive relationships.

 

[Abstract]

I think there are probably a lot of people on here (the whole site ) that have experienced abusive relationships. I often wonder if the supporter forum is largely filled with the people that are finding the "supporter" role the most challenging. In other words the relationship is particularly problematic. Maybe the ones that have an easier time don't have the drive to come somewhere like here. There seem to be so few family members here too. Who knows what that says.

Khreative, I was sitting here thinking of what has helped me in the past and considering what I think helps people in general. What I came to is that it probably varies from person to person and situation to situation. Initially I was stumped as I would think of something then think of a situation it did not help me. A lot of it has to do with the relationship, the level and history of problematic behaviour, the likelihood of change etc. It's my parents that I find anger and harshness helpful and peoples "maybe they just meant ..." comments difficult at times.

In relationships I have mostly found it better to calmly speak it through. Nothing to suggest anger in my tiny mind from others, rational approach, acknowledging both the good and the bad in the person. I need to process it. I need to feel OK expressing my tendency to freeze up and stay stuck in it without being too ashamed. If I have to take action I have to think how that will happen and when. That can involve financial stuff too.

When it comes to different things helping different people, I suspect it doesn't only come down to past experiences. I think those with particularly strong toxic shame and default self blame issues are helped with a gentler approach than those who are a little more balanced in their processing of responsibility. And much more.

Glad to say you don't seem like I am or was in that regard. Thank goodness.:x3: Any indication of "are you stupid" type comments and I would me go through - shame - self hatred - dissociation - general freezing up - going into what I call my zombie mode. When I get or got there then doing anything that requires independent thought seems impossible! Essentially it did the opposite of galvanising me into action. Don't want to take over your thread. Just thought it might help if you didn't feel like the only one "out there" so to speak.

If it is helpful to you then come back and say what it is you think you would find helpful and what your thoughts are on this. I almost always find that talking out the details of what is in my mind is what helps. People telling me to just think differently often doesn't. If you want some more tough love then there are plenty of us to oblige with that too! ;)

In the end it is your life and your decisions. Noone can make decisions for us.