Relationship When Bad Things Happen To Good Marriage’s

[Never Give Up]

Supporters of those who are experiencing “new” difficulties in a marriage due to P.T.S.D., depression, anxiety and anger. I am looking for your experiences on how you may have overcame (any) situation, handle everyday conversations and how you got back into love & intimacy.

I have been in a 4 month whirlwind with my wife of 21 years who is a recent survivor of breast cancer, while she was battling this disease…she lost her father and 2 other relatives. She was not able to mourn for them while in treatments. Once she completed her treatments last October, our marriage had taken a detour and we are not able to coexist in the same house without hurt, anger or even isolation.

I am looking for your input and advice….can you help!

 

[serenity55]

Patience and go slow. Let her lead. Maybe think about maritial counseling with a trauma therapist. My PTSD is for different reason but teally got activated 2 years ago after the birth of our son and I went from very invested and involved in my relationship to cut off and isolated. My husband is really struggling with this and it makes him feel alone and unloved. Only recently has he started to realize that I feel the same way. Trapped inside myself and that I can't just snap out of it. It is hard to go through medicial trauma and not feel abonded even if your loved one was there its very lonely and splitting.

Best of luck. With patience, time and a lot of work hopefully she can feel connected again and you both can be comfortable and connected.

 

[Never Give Up]

Thank You Serenity55,
Slow and patience is a hard learning lesson for a supporter. I will make sure to remember those rules when trying to communicate with my wife. I feel numb when it comes to feeling loved by her. I know she is not herself and I cannot take it personal or it will ruin me also. I am still trying to grasp how P.T.S.D. affects the brain and emotions. I have been reading many different forums some both sides. My heart goes out to everyone in these forums including their loved ones.

 

[amethist]

It is hard being a supporter and not getting the love we once got, but they struggle so much with what is going on in their minds, that relationships are the easiest to let slip.

You need to grow the skin of a Rhino and have the patience of a Saint to be able to hang in there. It is worth it in the end, just give her time.

In the beginning of my husbands PTSD, I used to think it was more like looking after a relative than my husband, but I am slowly getting him back.

Stay strong, look after yourself and try not to take everything personally.

 

[Never Give Up]

Thank You @amethist for the kind yet encouraging advice. Time is all we have at this point.

Last night my wife took a bath with a bottle of wine for about 3 hours. By the end all I could hear was sobbing with the bathroom lights off in total darkness. I really wanted to be there for her and give a hug and support. It saddens me to see her broken like this.

 

[darrenS]

I recently left marriage of 16 yrs because of my ptsd , of course once the dust settled I was mortified by my reactions and behaviour. We are on talking terms and I regularly go over to help out. I have learnt I have created an incredible amount of damage, I have also accepted it and am trying to be both patient and attentitive - as much as I would like to repair , it may not be possible , but outside of that I can let my wife heal, by answering her questions with honesty and compassion and accepting that time and patience and listening will help her heal and move on

 

[Determinedone]

Speaking from experience of the last 3 years I'm dealing with similar things. Only my spouse was deployed to a war zone and he's a civilian. We've been together almost 21 years and My love for him is as strong as it was when we first met. He says and does hurtful stuff a lot, and I can't lie I hurts like hell. The tuff skin part I'm still working on that. The best advice I can give is to try and be patient. But I haven't quite mastered that myself. Sending prayers your way.

 

[Eleanor]

Here is where I am at right now: The central thing in any relationship, the thing that holds it together is compassion for each other. By compassion I mean something pretty specific: The ability to recognize the core hurts to identity (feeling powerless, unlovable, rejected, inadequate, unimportant) in myself and to shore up my own sense of my value and purpose and then to recognize those same hurts in the other person, and remember their value and purpose. From that position of respect and regard for the other person I can then take action that is (this is the tricky part) best for me. Wait, a minute, you say, I want to do what is best for HER. She is the one who is hurting.

Yup.

And as you have so clearly demonstrated, there is nothing you can do to help her unless and until she lets you. In the meantime, you need to keep yourself in good shape. It may be that the best thing you can do for her is to model coping with emotional hurt. It may be that the best thing you can do is leave her alone. There is no way to know from the outside the best thing to do. And if you are taking effective and compassionate care of yourself, it might just free her up to do the same for herself, or it might make you seem more available to her when she is in a place to reach out.

It never hurts, (once she is out of the tub) to tell her in so many words that you believe in her. That you know she is lovable, that she is more than good enough, that she is important, that she is an effective and loving person. When you see in her the best that she is and can be, it can be a lifeline to helping her see and feel that again too.