Relationship When Did You Stop Talking About Your Spouse/bf/gf To Others?

[HelloMo80]

I just had a friend sort of call me to the carpet today over a question I asked her regarding military transport overseas. She assumed I asked because of my ex and I did. About a year ago, I stopped talking about anything that had to do with my ex to people. I realized that unless someone is dealing with it directly, the behavior, chaos and drama of dating someone with PTSD all can seem so very confusing. It got me to thinking though...the way she sees me (as deserving more than this) is a common theme among my friends. Ironically, it is my family who is most accepting of whatever I choose. It might be because there are so many veterans in my family that they understand what it's like to deal with someone who is a bit altered as a result of combat experience.

I thought about asking my family members the question but they have some form of PTSD themselves and I didn't want to ask a triggering question for them. I asked my friend because she served in the military and so does her husband. They both seem PTSD free and are (as far as I know) so I figured it was safer to ask her as opposed to others I may know who struggle with combat related things.

Anyway, so when did you all stop talking about it to others? Or have you stopped at all?

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I only told a few since I felt guilty even talking about it. And trying to talk about our issues without bringing up the PTSD did not work at all. But, honestly, I found the few I told too quick judge him. They didn't understand PTSD and it all ended up in this attitude that I should not accept it. One even belittled PTSD since my sufferer was " not in real battle, he was just on a boat" since he was navy and I did not feel comfortable giving her his details. That's not her business, what specifically he experienced. It was hard, so I stopped.

I only have 1 really will still discuss it with and even with her its difficult. She constantly compares my guy to hers, who does not have PTSD. He is just inconsiderate.

If someone has no experience with it, I have found they just don't get it.

 

[army family]

I know someone who says they are suffering from PTSD, but their family belittles them because they were never in combat. I don't know if it really is PTSD from their time in the service, but I can see how it could be from their childhood. Messed up childhood indeed.

To answer the initial question:
I do have a person suffering from PTSD, and it has been diagnosed, and they are in therapy. I have not yet stopped tyring to explain it to loved ones but I am ready to stop. First of all, until I began to research it, I really didn't think much of it.

Do Not Get Mad At Me! I was ignorant.

• I thought you could just get out of the military and that would end it.
• I thought that after you came home from a deployment, we wait a few weeks, and now its gone.
• I thought it would give you a few nightmares and then go away.
• I thought that if you had something good to come home to, you would not even get PTSD.
• I thought you were exaggerating.
• I thought that if you were hard core it wouldn't even get you.
• I thought that if you were loved, you couldn't get it.
• I thought that if you had a good family waiting for you, you couldn't get it.
• I thought that if your best friend in combat says he doesn't have it, than you don't either.

Now, I know better.

 

[Toria]

I had three close friends - two that I worked with and one next door - that knew. The two work friends moved away from the area within a couple of months of one another, and then we moved away from our neighbour back in January.

Since then, no one knows. Well - it's not so much that no one knows so much as I don't see the ones that do know! I have three other old college friends who know, but they don't talk about it - all three have been / are still married to Forces / ex Forces so they do have an idea of the concept of service etc.

My mum has her own mental health issues and I dont want to make her feel bad by discussing issues with her and whilst I do talk to my Dad we don't "talk" - if you know what I mean?

Acquantances think we're rock solid, romantic and pretty much perfect - ha ha!

 

[amethist]

Acquantances think we're rock solid, romantic and pretty much perfect - ha ha!

LOL I get that too Toria, they have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. Not that its bad, they just have no idea.

 

[OrangeJulius]

I was just thinking about this recently. I found out my guy had been tortured overseas. And he said it so casually and I didn't want to flip out in front of him because I'm glad he can share with me and I don't want him to have to overthink what he says around me like he does with everyone else. But gosh darn! That was kind of huge to hear! I asked if I wanted to know the story and he said probably not so we dropped it. But my mind is still at 1000 mph....so who should I share this one with to help calm me down? I don't know. Its kind of an odd thing to talk about and not something that ever comes up. "How's D doing?" "Oh he's great. I actually just found out he was tortured in Iraq...." Weird. No wonder he has PTSD.

 

[Toria]

OrangeJulius that soooo reminds me of the time Husband admitted that he saw "people he couldn't save" in the bedroom at night. They just stand in the corner and stare at him. My mum rang me the following day and asked how he was... what do you say? What CAN you say? He's fine - he sees dead people.... :eek:

 

[OrangeJulius]

what do you say? What CAN you say? He's fine - he sees dead people.... :eek:

YES! THIS! I mean, I'd like to share but its weird I also feel bad about putting that on my girlfriends. What do you say to that? Weird. Just weird.

 

[LizardViolet]

I don't talk to my friends about my bf much any more, and I try to shield my husband from it too, since he's heard it all over and over and seen me leave the bf and go back to him. And he's stressed out because of my secondary symptoms, too.

I am so, so grateful for my therapist. I do tell her almost everything, and she always has a useful perspective, and what we do together helps calm me down. She also has been working with me for a couple of years so she helps me see the progress that he is making, a couple of steps forward, a step back. I am very lucky to work with her. She has experience with survivors of trauma, she has been partnered with people who have ptsd, and I believe she herself is an abuse survivor.

 

[HelloMo80]

I have no idea what my ex went through but I'm sure it's huge as well. I know what you mean about them seeing things as well. My ex was really the type to see stuff. Oddly, that symptom never freaked me out. Mostly because I do believe some spirits don't completely cross over. But that's neither here nor there.

I'm glad we can share here.

 

[Bukowski25]

In the beginning weeks of my relationship I knew that my boyfriend had anger issues, and responded irrationally to small stressful situations. As we got closer I saw these instances intensify, become more common, and manifest in more aspects of daily life than I had been aware of. I spoke with him about therapy, and let him know that I needed him to see someone if we were to continue our relationship as many of his actions and behaviors--whether he realized it or not--were directly hurtful and disrespectful to me. He told me he had previously been seeing someone and he would consider my request, but he had to think about it because he couldn't go to therapy for me, he had to want to go for him. I agreed and gave him space, and he reached a point where he said he recognized he needed help and wanted to begin therapy. At this point, he told me the last time he had met his therapist (a year or two prior) they were discussing a diagnosis of PTSD. It was at that point he became overwhelmed and stopped his sessions. From that point forward I began researching PTSD so that I could better understand the symptoms and behaviors associated. I also spent hours researching any discussions involving PTSD and romantic relationships. (Side note I wish this site had come up in my search results much sooner!)

Since beginning a new course of therapy my boyfriend has slowly told me more and more about his past. Initially he told me broad, yet deeply troubling things. Examples of severe child abuse that floored me. At the time I didn't know what to do with the few things I knew. They weighed on my heart and left me wanting to cry. I ended up telling my closest friends, and I felt rightly guilty. It wasn't my place to share private, traumatic aspects of his life.

As my boyfriend has continued therapy his feelings of privacy, and the extent to which he desires, have morphed. He feels less shame, which is his personal accomplishment. Initially he did not want anyone else to know he had PTSD. Over time, as our relationship has grown and I have both recognized and vocalized my need for support, he has said that with the exception of certain things (he specified) he wanted me to talk to my closest friends as a resource.

I have done so, but as we really reach out to friends when things are bad, they have heard the worse continuously. I found that their responses were simply to the behaviors that I described with no basis or consideration of his PTSD. (I described it, but it's a hard thing to understand of course). Subsequently they found certain stories unjustifiable and all resoundingly believed I deserved much better. As I was still learning more about PTSD and simultaneously growing in my relationship with my boyfriend AND learning more about him AND how we could support one another, this just left me stressed and confused. I started tapering off my stories, and focused more on telling them good things. I have since started my own therapy and have recently found this site--and those have become my places to discuss, vent and relate. I do still tell my friends occasional things.

I tell my mother and sister very little as I know they would respond more protectively and judgmentally than my friends. I simply said that he had a very traumatic childhood that left an impression on him.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I was probably about a year into our relationship when I stopped talking to my friends and family about my vet. I still talk to my mom and sister about it in roundabout ways, but there is no venting or seeking of advice.. Just "he is not doing good today" or "he's sick." They know between the PTSD, TBIs and other physical injuries he has that he feels like crap a lot of the time. They have become used to it, and understand when I make excuses or cancel plans it is usually related to the PTSD beast.

We were probably 5 months into our relationship before we had any major issues, and I discovered that when I tried to talk to my friends about it, I was not met with much support. I usually got responses that he was just an asshole, or that he was crazy and going to end up killing me. It seems like when people who have never dealt with PTSD hear about it, they automatically relate it to stories on the news about "crazy violent vets." No matter how much I tried to explain that it was a stereotype, and *my* vet was gentle with me, kind, and the least violent person I knew, they just didn't get it.

Eventually I gave up on "outsiders." If I need advice about PTSD issues, I come here.