Relationship When Do You Share What A Sufferer Shares With You

[Linden]

I've never met my Sufferer. He is the victim of childhood sexual and physical abuse (by multiple people) that eventually led to initiating an official relationship with one of his abusers (probably as a way of validating what he felt was wrong). He is currently seeing a professional.

As I said, we've never met. Our exchanges are 97% text messaging with the occasional IM or email. We've never even spoken (he has issues with the phone). This was "fine" when we were living in different places, but has become more problematic now that we're living in the same city. It is incredibly difficult for me because aside from all that, my Sufferer is a somewhat public figure and his field of work sometimes crosses paths with my own. So his name sometimes gets mentioned in passing, someone I know has met or worked with him, or a photograph is published showing him at a place I frequent. The juxtaposition of his professed feelings for me and then what I see depicted elsewhere is what's prompted his latest disappearing act.

This is a familiar routine now: I express how something he did made me end up feeling like a figment, that how I feel doesn't matter except for how it makes him feel. And then he bolts because he dislikes whenever he's reminded that I am a real, flesh and blood person. I do understand that this is part of his PTSD and has nothing to do with me. And I'm always walking that fine line between giving him the patience and understanding I know he needs but still asserting my own needs and feelings. As usual, I don't know whether he'll be back or not.

Anyway, the point of this thread… We are extremely close. I am his confidant. For the last two years I've been the repository of all the things that he doesn't share with anyone else (probably another reason he's more comfortable with me as "not real"). He seems to instinctually know that I am a safe place. I may counsel for him to bring certain things to his therapist or at the very least someone in his world but I do not bully him into it. And I NEVER break that bond of trust.

Just before his latest disappearance, he confided in me that he had fallen asleep at his house and then woke up driving his car. He was obviously very rattled and scared. He does suffer from sleeping disorders (such as sleepwalking) and occasional short-term memory loss. He was afraid to tell anyone about what had happened, afraid that they'd assume he was crazy. It took him an hour just to work up the courage to tell me. I calmed him. This is unusual and scary, but he's not the first person to have this happen to him. I counseled to bring it up with his therapist in case it was related to whatever medications he took or a symptom of exhaustion from sleepless nights.

So now here we are. He's disappeared on me. And I have knowledge about something that happened to him that may be an isolated incident, may not even be sleepwalking but that he blacked out the memory of leaving the house and getting in the car and driving... but it also has the potential to endanger lives. I really don't know. So… do I tell someone? I have ways to reach out to his family, but they're not always the most supportive of people… might react the very way he fears: that he's crazy. I really wish he'd spoken to his therapist about it. And maybe he did, I don't know.

Does anyone have any suggestions about what to do?

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Hi Linden, welcome to the forum!

I must confess that when I read your post it raised a bunch of red flags for me. You've never met him, but he dumps all his problems on you? He expects you to be there for him, but doesn't care about your feelings and disappears whenever he pleases?

I don't mean to be offensive, but why would you do all this for someone who is practically a stranger? You don't have to put up with this, you wouldn't have to even if you were married. This sounds like emotional abuse to me and you really don't deserve that. You're a good person for trying to help him, but the way he is behaving is very unhealthy for you both.

But to answer your question: when you are convinced your sufferer is a serious danger to himself and/or to others, you share what he shares with you. You can notify the people around him and perhaps even the police. It's up to you to decide if that's the case. Personally, I'd rather ring the alarm a little too early than a little too late.

 

[franciemarnie]

Your compassion is amazing, but I am putting you first. What does he do to contribute to your well being? There has to be a give and take, a balance. Too often we repeat into adulthood what we did as children and take care of others with little or no thought for ourselves. We also try to read minds, which is impossible.

He knows you are there for him even when he treats you poorly. He will not change without consequences. When you feel like a figment to him, trust that.

If you feel you have info he needs, you could tell him and then consider letting go. You deserve the best. You aren't getting it when someone treats you as of little value. I speak from experience.

 

[Linden]

I hear you on the red flags, @Snowwhite , so no offense is taken. And it should be noted that I am very mindful of that.

I should add that I didn't mean to suggest that he only dumps his problems on me, I just shared that as context to explain that what he tells me is often something only shared with me. And he disappears not when he pleases, but when expressing my hurt triggers his own feelings of guilt. As for being strangers… there are many more ways to become emotionally bonded to a person than physical intimacy. It's not my preference. But there are certainly plenty of long-lasting friendships and relationships that have started as pen pals. And in truth… are words on a screen all that different and impersonal than the digital replication of a voice through an earpiece?

As for your answer to my question… I just don't know how serious this particular danger is. But I appreciate your thoughts. :)

 

[Justmehere]

I can completely understand the deep bonding that can happen through the written word. However, pen pal relationships of this kind are usually developed when there is a lot of distance or other barriers that bar any other kind of communication. It's a red flag I think people are picking up on. Something doesn't seem right. What is strange to me is that you have not met or spoken on the phone when you live in the same town, even when your fields of work cross paths. I wonder if he really is who he says he is. He could very well be who he says he is, and he also could be someone else. If this was a relationship where you two did more than text each other while living in the same town, I think my feedback on if you should tell anyone or not would be different.

Because he is "somewhat" of a public figure, and his field of work crosses paths with yours, and because you live in the same town but only communicate via text, I would highly suggest proceeding with continued carefulness. Anything you could do to notify other people could be taken in a lot of different ways.

If you have written proof of him doing something that did endanger or injure other people, and it was a criminal issue, I would notify the police.

Being a good friend to a sufferer doesn't always mean keeping information of dangerous behaviors secret. Keeping such information confidential could be enabling of harm to people. I would want someone to stop me before I hurt someone, even if it meant I lost trust in them.

As for his family, if someone who had never met a family member of mine, contacted me about messages they had from my family member, and my family member was somewhat of a public figure, I'm not sure how I would react or handle it... it would be confusing. It may backfire if those relationships are already difficult. In the end, I don't know if there is much more a family member could really do more than what you could do.

Are you concerned he is driving when he doesn't remember driving? Are you concerned he is driving like sleepwalking-driving? Or under the influence of medication? Or more like he is in a dissociative state?

Driving while dissociative is not recommended, as reaction times can be reduced, but it’s not always dangerous. Driving while under the influence of sleep medications is a crime in the US and he could end up in a lot of trouble if he gets caught, and even worse, he could really hurt himself or someone else. (I personally know someone from college who went to prison for driving while on sleep medications and killing someone. Her own life has been destroyed too. Its very tragic. I wish I would have said something when I saw red flags.) In your situation, it might be best to leave it up to professionals to figure out what kind of state he is in when he is blacking out.

In the United States, in some states, it is possible to notify the department of motor vehicles (DMV) of a driver that may have a medical condition impairing the driver. This is usually done via contacting the police and then the police notify the (DMV) and then the DMV requires the person to submit medical proof they are or are not ok to drive.

You could also tell him that you are concerned for his safety and well-being and tell him you are considering talking to someone about it. I would not make it an ultimatum, but just let him know that the situation is alarming you enough to consider telling someone, because you want him to be safe. You could ask if you could talk to his therapist or a doctor that sees him and could evaluate him. Maybe he would be open to it. I had to do this with my own mother, a PTSD sufferer, who would get into states where she would forget what she was doing. She agreed to let me talk to her doctor. I told her doctor what I was observing, and I left it at that. I left it up to her and her doctor to figure out from there. I’m not sure what changed, but things did get better.

 

[Linden]

Thank you, @franciemarnie! I do have reasons. And it has little to do with co-dependency issues. Our friendship actually began before his PTSD diagnosis. That emerged later when he accepted that he was in an abusive relationship and got out. Things have unfolded from there.

Letting go is difficult because aside from caring great deal for him, I seem to have served as a catalyst for his escaping his situation and so I feel a little responsibility for what happens to him (which is admittedly a little co-dependent). Not to mention that because he is a public figure and figures into some of my professional circles, I can never truly escape him.

 

[Justmehere]

I am going to be a bit frank, please forgive me as I do not mean any offense. I can totally understand that this may not be an emotional affair, but with what you are describing, it sounds almost like one. I don't say this to accuse either of you doing anything inappropriate. What I am trying to say is that anyone you report this information to, especially if it is without his support or knowledge in doing so, they are probably going to be asking the same kinds of questions people here are wondering. They are going to wonder how you know him and what your relationship is to him, and the context of getting the concerning information you have about his actions that are making you concerned for his safety and the safety of others.

I don't say this to persuade you to say something or not say something, but just to give you a heads up that people (including a doctor or therapist) are likely to inquire about the nature of your relationship to him, and may likely ask why you two have a pen-pal texting communication only, and have never met or talked on the phone despite living in the same town. This is something to keep in mind.

 

[Linden]

@Justmehere: I know that I am not being "catfished." And certain family members are aware of my existence and my relationship with him. I actually reached out to his closest family member once before when I felt I had little choice, but that backfired a little because those relationships are fraught with complications.

As for the specifics of his wake-up-while-driving incident, I have no idea what caused it. I don't have reason to believe it was sleep medication, as it happened during the day. But I don't know enough about what it could have been, which is why I counseled that he tell his therapist. I just don't know whether he did or not.[DOUBLEPOST=1398717675,1398717446][/DOUBLEPOST]@Justmehere: Please… be frank. I am not offended. :)

If by emotional affair you mean that one or either of us is in another romantic relationship, no. We are both single.

 

[Hashi]

he blacked out the memory of leaving the house and getting in the car and driving... but it also has the potential to endanger lives. I really don't know. So… do I tell someone?

Yes, report it to the police.

When you say "has the potential to endanger lives" you mean he could kill someone, right? Or maybe just maim them for life, if that makes you feel better.

If you must, tell him that you're giving him two days to take action himself, and prove to you that he did so, and if he doesn't then report it yourself. Whether he's ignoring contact or whether he then contacts you twenty times about this, that and the other doesn't matter. After two days, if he hasn't taken steps that mean he isn't driving and he's getting appropriate help, you go to the police.

Someone who "wakes up driving his car" is a danger to other people. No two ways about it. And "danger to other people" is a reason to tell someone about it, in every ethical code I'm aware of.

 

[NovemberStar]

This is not healthy and you deserve lot better ;(

Have you had any therapy for yourself? I do not mean that in a mean way, but more in a 'examine why it is you feel you deserve half a relationship and one that is so complicated and leaves you hurting so much' kind of way…..

I hope you can value yourself more and end this with him - yes it will hurt but it does not sound like it is doing you (or him) any good at all to continue on like this.

 

[Meadowsweet]

With respect, this sounds like a fantasy on both your parts. Maybe his experiences in life mean that he needs the fantasy more than you, but you are providing it.

Let's put this straight, he is a man who was in an abusive relationship and hasn't yet had chance to heal. He is scared of abuse and he is no doubt scared of relationships with 'real' people - because 'real' people abuse others, whereas, by not letting this become real, he's not giving you that chance.

I disagree 100% with the ideas that this man needs to take the consequences or is being emotionally abusive. I'm more inclined to recognise that he is very frightened, and he is reacting in a way that is keeping him safe. I would add, that he is acting in a way that anyone faced with a threat to life, would be doing the right thing by getting out of that situation. Having PTSD of course, means that he's perceiving that danger where it may not exist. But abusive, lol, no, he's the man running away from fear of what a 'real' person has the potential to do, not abusing.

However, to help him to recover, he needs to address his fears in therapy, to help him learn how to cope with the 'real' world and he needs to gradually build a belief that it is not as dangerous as he perceives it to be. The way to learn that is by experiencing the real world a little bit at a time, without something 'bad' happening to him.

For this reason, I believe that this fantasy you're creating for him isn't helpful because it enables him to fulfill his needs foe love and care, without facing the risk that reality brings.

What you have said about this single incident has a lot of unknowns. I would report it anonymously as a concern, but make sure that you stick to the absolute facts - that he has only mentioned it happening once, that he has spoken to you about suffering from sleep disorders (sleep walking) and memory loss. Those are the plain facts, without any embellishment.

The only thing the police can really do is keep an eye on him if they see his car, to make sure he's ok. There are much more practical measures that a sleep walker can do, for example (if they don't live alone) give someone else the car keys, or, if alone, hide them in a very difficult to get to place, disable the car overnight (if possible) put a wheel clamp on etc.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think you're enabling a fantasy world and it's time to get out.