When Does Support Become Tolerating Abuse?

[Ruzeba]

... I feel there's somewhat of a contradiction at play for supporters:

That's, in part, because everyone has different boundaries & different preferences.

Something that guts you? Can be of absolutely no moment to someone else, meanwhile be something that makes a third person all sparkly eyed. And everything in in between.

Take isolation. Some people absolutely cannot tolerate spending a night apart. There are couples out there who in 50 years never have. Meanwhile there are others out there who can do months apart, no worries, as long as XYZ happens.

Not taking shit? Being secure in your own boundaries? Means that if you're a daily person you're not crying yourself to sleep alone, night after night, miserable, putting up with shit you never would, otherwise... And if you're a months apart and fine as long as XYZ person, that you actually speak up and demand XYZ, or work out a compromise of ABC -if and only if- that's something you can live with.

Same is true with every other symptom. Hell. It's true with every other facet of personality, lifestyle, etc.

If we've never experienced something before, figuring out our own boundaries can take a little while (this I'm okay with, this I'm not)... But boundaries mean you know what you want in your life & what you don't. Not taking shit means you don't let other people cross your boundaries. Period.

 

[Bigud]

What I'm wondering is where is the line of demarcation?

I don't know, but one important one is whether the person is actively seeking help and doing work to *not* elbow you in the face in the future. If they think you're supposed to live with it forever, that's abuse. If they are working on it, well, that's something.

 

[Ibit]

Do you leave somebody for a symptom of their disorder?

There is no symptoms of PTSD that is "hits people" or "verbally abusive." If someone does those things while symptomatic, they are still legally and in every other way totally responsible for what they do.

PTSD sufferer's are 100% responsible for what they do, dissociative or not. Some sufferer's do not realize this, and it doesn't help them to ignore this fact.

Let's say that hitting someone or calling them a whore is a symptom of their disorder. Still perfectly legit reasons to leave.

So please help me understand because I feel there's somewhat of a contradiction at play for supporters: On one hand we're told to not take anything personally while a sufferer is triggered and as a result lashes out, withdraws, dissociates, etc.

Not taking it personally is about how to process it in your own head/heart, but absolutely does not mean ignore abuse, continue to withstand or enable continued abuse.