Dom Violence When Doubt Creeps In

[I_Am_Titanium]

Despite what I feel is tremendous progress in my healing from a lifetime of emotional abuse (over thirty years), I find myself having to occasionally refresh my memory that what I experienced was indeed abuse. My therapists and friends have had to remind me that it was abuse and no one deserves to be treated the way I was. Why do I have such a hard time admitting I was abused all these years? Especially when my ex tells everyone he can find that I abused him when it's the opposite. He's very narcissistic which I understand better now. He's been gaslighting me every chance he gets. I can see what he's trying to do but it still doesn't make it easy to deal with. Sometimes I feel I'm going crazy.

Does anyone else experience this?

 

[BrokenWoman]

Hi I hope it's okay that I commented. I am on the forum as a supporter for my combat vet who has PTSD but I was married for 16 years and it was a physical and emotionally abusive relationship. I still to this day struggle with the scars from that. I actually blame myself a lot for it. I asked myself why he couldn't love me or what I could do to be better for him. I feel sorry for my abuser and guilt for leaving him. I have no idea why I feel this way but the guilt is sometimes crippling. I felt so much guilt over leaving him I've almost went back many times but I had no idea why. Go back to a man who made me wanna take my own life? I don't ever talk about my life with him to anyone because it's hard but the way in which he abused me is sorta mind boggling and confusing. He chipped away at me over any and everything everyday of my life. Anything to belittle me he did it. The thing was he did it so...sneakingly? He'd throw jabs at me while we were eating dinner or out in public. It's really hard to process. I'm sorry you've endured such a terrible relationship as well.

 

[I_Am_Titanium]

Of course it's okay that you commented. I am sorry to hear what you went through with him. The "sneakingly" part sounds really familiar to me. My therapist told me my ex is more "covert" which means his way of belittling me isn't very obvious. He would "jokingly" throw jabs at me in public and at home. It took me awhile to realize it wasn't right to be treated that way. As I understand it, a lot of the covert behaviors can be hard to process at times because they aren't obvious.

While I am sorry to hear your ex has PTSD, it still doesn't excuse his behavior, in my opinion. I am sorry if that sounds harsh. I have PTSD for a different reason and I don't know him or what he's been through as a combat vet. Having said that, I am working really hard on my behaviors. Having PTSD doesn't excuse me from behaving badly. I struggle with this sometimes because there were times when my ex would trigger me on purpose claiming he was helping when all he really did was make it worse. He admitted to triggering me on purpose and he pushed my buttons on purpose claiming I just needed to get my anger out. I had just started trauma therapy and didn't know how to handle the anger and intense emotions that it brought up. While I believe we are all responsible for our behaviors, does that still apply when someone knowingly pushes you to your breaking point and you don't know how to make it stop even when you beg them to stop and they don't? Then they tell you you're unstable? It's still very confusing at times and it's awful.

As for your feelings of guilt, I believe it's okay to feel however we feel. I felt shame and guilt for a lot of things. Therapy helped me to realize the guilt I was feeling wasn't actually mine. I'm not sure how to explain it but she called it "carried emotions". The guilt I felt was actually his guilt but I took it as mine. Once I realized that, it helped me a lot.

 

[RussH]

@BrokenWoman As a member you are certainly entitled to make comments on the different threads. Your input will be accepted and appreciated by the PTSD Forum community.

 

[BrokenWoman]

@I_Am_Titanium Just to clarify my ex did not have PTSD. I am on this forum because my current boyfriend who is a combat vet does have PTSD. He's helped build me up to where I don't feel worthless anymore.

That "jokingly" thing you spoke of? YES YES and YES. My ex husband would say something awful to me and smirk and then say "oh I was just joking, don't be so sensitive"... I honestly didn't even understand for a long time after I left him how I was actually supposed to be treated. When my new boyfriend did such wonderful things for me or told me how beautiful I was, I looked at him funny because I didn't understand that affection at all.

 

[I_Am_Titanium]

@BrokenWoman I am sorry for my misunderstanding about who has PTSD. I am happy to hear your current boyfriend has helped you. :-) My current boyfriend does the same thing. He genuinely compliments me. I would feel and act awkward, not knowing how to take it. I would actually wonder what he wanted from me. It turns out he just wants to compliment me and expects nothing in return. Its an odd but good feeling. He truly cares for me and that's new for me as well.

 

[prayingforpeace]

Hi @I_Am_Titanium - Yes, I feel the way you do regarding having to remind myself that the abuse was real. The way I see it is we were conditioned to view abuse as "normal". You said that you were emotionally abused for 30 yrs… that's a long time. Our brains normalize the things we're exposed to. Growing up I kind of knew that my family wasn't like others, but I didn't appreciate just how bad the abuse was until I was older. I also was conditioned by my first BF to accept abuse as "normal" so it took years to feel "comfortable" in a healthy relationship. The gas lighting is meant to make you feel crazy as well. As long as they continue to abuse but refuse to admit any wrongdoing, we will question our sanity. Like, "did that happen"? Maybe I overreacted? Must be me…?

You're not crazy. We've been trained to respond to their behavior in the way they desire.. but when we STOP and refuse to give them power to manipulate, they will get even angrier for a time. We need to continue to respond the way WE choose, the healthy way. Eventually they will lose the power they had!

 

[Deleted member 34060]

Throwing Jabs "jokingly" or the like is very clearly a threat, saying "this is exactly what I will really do to you if you don't behave the way I want".

This behavior is even sometimes taught at management schools. It is a relatively common thing that for example during a business lunch meeting that isn't going anywhere to yell at the waiter top of the lungs for a "mistake" he made. (or most likely didn't). So far he hasn't insulted or humiliated any business partner but "only" the waiter, but the message sent here is "I am very frustrated and I will do the very same to you if you don't ...". It's kind of a proxy war.

At times when my wife and me are making fun of each other (in a really friendly way) she sometimes hits me (lightly) with a rolled up magazine or sends fake jabs towards me, etc. However, I would *never* do the same to her. I rather make a small kid's face or something like that when she had a good point.

 

[Owl girl]

Emotional abuse is more covert than physical abuse. In a way it's crueler many say because a bruise confirms to others that you are being abused as well as yourself and emotional abuse messes with your head more. My ex threw jabbing insults my way too whilst other people were around. They all seemed blissfully unaware yet I was nearly in tears. He didn't try to tell people I abused him (as far as I'm aware) because there are only so many sob stories you can tell before people accuse you of bullsh***ing. He tried to tell the police that I was a sl*t who had cheated on him with every boy I came across (one boy, the ex himself has cheated in the past himself judging by his overlapping timelines). I think that's the story he's going with for everyone else.

 

[Deleted member 34060]

@Owl girl, yes ... nobody even believes you. They all tell you you are making it up or least are greatly exaggerating.

 

[Owl girl]

@FrankM it depends on whose story circulates first. First impressions usually count the most. However in my case, only my exes friends believe him as they tend to believe anything he tells them no matter how contradictory. Well those who haven't deserted him to save themselves. Everyone else noticed how unhappy I was whilst I was with him and how I seemed different they've been quite supportive. For the police, his reaction was a confirmation of what I told them.