General When Families Go Toxic.

[Belle]

((((Amethist))))

 

[Abrasky]

Wow.

You dealt with that so calmly and well.

Does it really matter what his family think? They sounds like people to keep in an outer orbit.

This is going to be a bit forward so ignore it if you like. It worried me you were worried your self talk when your husband was locked out of the house. I read in a book somewhere that alchoholics families there is a mindset where they can disort reality and make you not believe in the real situation.I don't know if there is a alchohol problem or the history of that. It sounds like he might have had a problem when you said he wasn't drinking anymore.

The real situation was your husband forgetting his keys is what had him locked out the house. It had nothing to do with you Amethist. If the keys are forgotton, it isn't your responsiblity to remind your husband to bring them. That sounds like co-dependency. An the acoholism then had him blaming you for it to take some heat off him for his drinking session. It sounds there is a distortion of what reallly happened thing going on. It is almost perhaps like it takes the heat off the drinking session if you can blame someone else for something else unrelated. :(.

I'd be so mad! if My husband's family (have alcoholic problems )does a reality distortion thing, and my husband doesn't trust his judgement at all, and isn't sure how to make my son feel sure about his reality either.

Sorry, I think what happened was really hurtful and undeserved.:mad::cry: and I support you.

 

[amethist]

Thanks Maze, I know all this and so much more.

Just have to get to the trigger with this, there always is a trigger, unfortunately I think I already know what it is, and it is not his family. They were just the excuse.

 

[Tinyflame]

I don't think it helps your H (or you) amethist when he is surrounded by those who do not acknowledge or understand the ptsd, when he is triggered. Or support him or you.

I realize you know that of course. Just makes matters worse, I think.

I was thinking of this amethist, came back to say, it's odd, spend so much time blaming one's self if others afford (more) blame it is accepted without question. But to what degree is it accurate, or not, is hard for a person with ptsd to determine, impossible to think it could be otherwise when you absorb the blame.

I thought of a weird analogy, like a dog with fleas. Yes, it would be the dog's 'fault' he scratches, but he neither wants the fleas, knows what they are, or likely can 'fix' it himself. :(

All I know with ptsd is, what seems the 'average' ('usual') way to deal with someone (with it) or blame them, seems to not be helpful, at all. If not outright harmful.

(I know you don't respond in that way, but it sounds like his family might be.)

 

[Nicolette]

I have said a lot about this topic due to my own family who I now have nothing to do with. Alcohol was not the problem but there is a book called Children of Alcoholics which explains the behavior. Add PTSD to the mix, a broken man (to some degree from having his life taken from him) and it's a bad mix.

At some point Amethist Hubby has to be held accountable for his drinking.... even if driven by PTSD. It is the same when Anthony was what I can describe as nothing short of an alcoholic (before I knew him). Any situation or circumstance was an excuse to drink, if he needed one at all, but an 'excuse' is just that and not enough reason not to have self control to protect one's own well being.

Call me harsh but I would have made Hubby wait until I got home re the keys and would not be helping him get the car back unless I needed it and he would be made to do it.

Like I had to, there comes a point where one has to decide whether relationships are worth fostering if they come at one's own expense. Ignorance cannot be changed so only Hubby can change how he interacts with his family. I am sure he is capable of saying NO to a drink. If he feels that pressured to then he has to make a decision that is best for him IMHO.

 

[ericaboo]

It was hard enough to draw the line with my husband's drinking - which I enabled up to the point where he became violent with me. Went through so many years of alcoholic drama situations, absolutely beyond reason.

Now I find myself enabling my brother on holidays - having him too drunk to drive home, giving him a ride, and having to cover for him re: my getting in and out of our parents house with his secret keys which they don't know he has, and picking him up the next morning to help him get his truck, all behind their backs.

Also - I don't even think he's drunk - he had 2 beers all night - and is probably just doing all this to find an excuse to spend a few more hours with me, and possibly annoy the heck out of my parents.

Asking myself - why do I continue dealing with the drama? Feeling guilty for not answering their Easter calls today - didn't even listen to the messages...

 

[Nicolette]

I will just clarify my view is a blanket view and I don't know all the specifics. Also, what is believed and stated to others is sometimes harder to follow in real life so please don't take what I wrote as being personal Amethist - just my strong opinion on those types of situations.

I know you Hubby is a good man so I don't mean to be harsh ((hugs)).

 

[intothelight]

Amethist,

Just know that I am listening and supporting.

Sounds like there are a lot of things your H is going to have to address when he is in a position to do so. Sometimes when there is a lot of healing, and then something sends you sideways, slipping into a past negative coping mechanism happens. It what a person learns from it and how they move forward that matters.

Keep your boundaries and take care of yourself. Please stand strong and don't take any blame for his decisions. Accountability is critical to growth.

(((Hugs)))

Deb

 

[Nicolette]

Yeah... what Deb so eloquently said without my biased opinion! :rolleyes:

 

[Meadowsweet]

(((Amethist))) Like Nicollette says above, I'm not in a position to understand the whole story, so if I'm not understanding, I apologise in advance.

Its understandable that you're upset about his family 'playing' at being supoportive for five minutes, when you have carried it alone for so long. And if they don't bother to understand what is healthy and un-healthy for him, they could do more wrong trying to do right.

But, when your husband saw you were upset at him stopping there, he did come home.The intention was there to put you first.

It was an ill-thought out plan, that went wrong for him. I'm only guessing, but that feeling of having good intentions and wanting things to be right, then finding that for all the good intention, its not gone right, is difficult to take. Plus, he must have felt pretty stupid being locked out etc.

I'm trying to say, that I can understand why both of you felt upset, and without ptsd involved, its the kind of thing that would cause arguments amongst most couples.

If the way he reacted was too over the top, you really don't need to put up with that. And if he carries on drinking, ofcourse that needs addressing. And this is what I know nothing about.

But the underlying argument sounds like it could be sorted out by talking (in normal circumstances). But I don't know if it can with the problem of ptsd.

Wish you both well.

 

[Nicolette]

I feel like a right royal cow as I posted based on my bias rather than addressing Amethist as I know her. Sorry.

 

[amethist]

Thank you all for your replies, and no Nicolette, you are not a "Right Royal Cow" at all. This hit a nerve with you, so you replied in your own way directly to me not hubby.

Hubby is remorseful for how he did what he did, was angry because he knows he should have taken his key with him. Is upset because even though he had to face them all and tell them what he thought, which sounds like he did do that, but he hates bad feelings amongst anyone, so that was the reason to stay. He has been apologizing to me all morning, as he does realize him not thinking it through properly hurt me big time.

Hard as he may sound to some people, he is a soft nut really.

We have talked very calmly this morning and he does understand that his drinking is causing us both issues, him because he knows he had a problem 4 years ago, and me because of the memories it brings back.

The drinking is trigger based and he has to find better coping mechanisms and quickly. This has all arisen mainly due to the stress of all the legal stuff, which he does keep saying over and over again. he has had enough of it and wants it over and done with, but knows it is going to be a few months more yet.

I did tell him as well that he has to choose between the drink or bits for the bikes he is doing up, as there is not money for both. He has chosen the bike parts, as this is one thing that will focus his mind on something he does enjoy doing a lot.

he will be going for the car somehow himself, as I have said he left it he collects it. But it will not be today, as he has a bad stomach from yesterday.

Oh dear what a shame. That must be pay back. ;)

He now has to put a heck of a lot of work in to get us back to where we should be with everything. He also knows that drinking like this is not the way to go. going out for a meal or with good friends now and again is fine, but not the isolated drinking he has been doing. Not that he has had a lot, but he knows it does need sorting now, before it goes any further.

The best part of all this was there were no raised voices, no sarky comments, just us talking it all through, and hopefully reaching some kind of understanding about why all this has been happening.

One thing he did tell me, was that he was afraid if the Doberman go loose, he would not be able to say what he wanted to say, and feel less of a man because of it. Now that I can understand, so time for her to stay in her kennel until further notice. :tup: