General When Families Go Toxic.

[Eleanor]

wife of, the great thing about families like that is that you never have to be in any doubt about whether your judgement about them is true and correct. They just keep living down to the same low standards, and just when you think they can't go any lower....:notworthy:

 

[justhere]

I try to distance myself from my family. They bring out such anger in me. Our relationship is extremely TOXIC and its always about what I can do for them. Never concerned with my well being. According to them, I'm supposed to be over my trauma by now:mad:

 

[Anna]

That is terrible. When you call your family, just for a chat or whatever then they make you feel really bad. It is just awful, especially if they know you are ill.

Best is for your husband to distance himself, especially when feeling down. My family do exactly the same to me. I will maybe call my mother for a chat, be in a great mood, then come off the phone in a complete state. It sometimes takes my husband hours to calm me down. I don't know why some families do this. It is toxic to say the least. My family can be ok, as long as they get what they want, but if you have an opinion of your own, out comes emotional blackmail and abuse until you bow down to their will.

Especially when you are unable to deal with this, it is best to keep them at arms length. Your husband has to think of his health, if his family are like emotional vampires then it is best to stay away for awhile. Problem is you keep going back. No matter how tempting it is, no matter how good you feel, don't call them. It is really hard.

I wish you both luck. Toxic families can be so destructive.

 

[Nicolette]

It can't be better said than "you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family".

I choose that my friends are my family. :inlove:

 

[Tifanee]

A great book I read in high school when I was experiencing my own toxic relationships with my parents is "Toxic Parents". This book gave me perspective and the tools to set my own boundaries and be okay with those decisions. There are not adequate words to convey to my mother why we are not at her house 24/7. Someday she will need to confront her own behavior and will realize why her children all keep distance from her. Pressure, guilt, dissatisfaction, and maternal regret are difficult emotions to put on children. Sometimes it is best just to walk away, and that is okay.

 

[Philippa]

I try to distance myself from my family. They bring out such anger in me. Our relationship is extremely TOXIC and its always about what I can do for them. Never concerned with my well being. According to them, I'm supposed to be over my trauma by now:mad:

This sounds similar to my family dynamic.

It is always how I can help meet their needs as to how valuable I am to them, but you'd better believe they aren't gonna stick around to help meet mine...and aren't even capable of meeting my needs, since their lack of ability to communicate in a way which is respectful and hearing of anyone elses feelings and issues is so evident that it is no wonder I cannot stand to be around them.

But they think I'M the problem! Now that I've rocked the boat by cutting them off, I'm the devil for not wanting to put up with it anymore. How DARE I not want to voluntarily make myself the black hole for their complaints, negativity and projections anymore.

Shame on me.;)

 

[Philippa]

Someday she will need to confront her own behavior and will realize why her children all keep distance from her. Pressure, guilt, dissatisfaction, and maternal regret are difficult emotions to put on children. Sometimes it is best just to walk away, and that is okay.

My mother would say I 'liked conflict', for confronting her with stuff that was going on.

It wasn't that I like conflict, I find conflict very uncomfortable, like most people, but I also realize that for growth to occur you have to accept conflict as a part of life, a very natural part of life, and work with it to be able to move past it with people. That takes a willingness to learn how to communicate and confront issues. It's not for the faint hearted.

It takes real guts...which she doesn't have, unfortunately.

I always hoped mine would start to confront her issues before she was an old woman, but it looks like that will never happen. She is close to 70 now and still not showing any outward signs of self-reflection.

I'm not saying that I was always an angel, I did bad things and hurt her in ways that I am not proud of...and I apologized for them at the time...which is something she is still incapable of doing for things she did that hurt me over 15 years ago!

I don't know how else to deal with her without compromising my self-respect?

 

[ronnalee]

This sounds similar to my family dynamic.

How DARE I not want to voluntarily make myself the black hole for their complaints, negativity and projections anymore.

Shame on me.;)

Well said! I am in this situation too!

I am taking care of myself thank you very much. You, dear family member, can find another black hole to play blame-games with. :whistling:

 

[Tifanee]

My friend says my mom would have made a great Catholic with all the guilt she uses to pressure me to make decisions that benefit her interests. I've had to introduce new boundaries to handle the guilt and pressure. Why do we feel bad when they are unhappy, her unhappiness is not my unhappiness. It is funny you guys are talking about the "black hole" of parents/family. I moved away from my home town because I called it a black hole of oppression.

I think I've learned to self-reflect on everything because of the environment I grew up in. This is something that helps me be empathetic to my love with his trauma symptoms, but it also annoys him that I can be intuitive to what is going on and it is more difficult for him to "hide". I need to be sensitive that he may not want me to ask if he is okay. I can see it and watch it, but I don't need to let on that I do.

Sometimes for us supporters or carers, other trauma in life was easier to process and we were able to heal the wound. Sometimes the trauma was a single event and sometimes it was a lifetime of trauma that evolves into PTSD. No one is void of trauma or challenges, even our disfunctional family members. We need to set our own boundaries and "own" our behavior, just like everyone else does. It is okay if our boundaries appear to exclude people or limit contact with these people, it is what needs to happen in that moment. This is how we heal the wound or at least let a good scar form.

Sending all my support and hugs to everyone who needs it today!:)