When He Hears Me, I Feel Bad -- Why?

[anonymous]

Okay. Been getting to know a guy online for three months, met and spend a few days together last week. This is now long distance across countries with going back and forth roughly every two months. So, next time it would be me going mid December.

He said to me today that he can't promise anything and will have to see if it is possible to come another time before I am going to go there and asked if I wanted to send him dates I could do in between now and mid December. I had said, as he had, that I've been missing him and that I would like to be with him. I feel heard in my want of having him here more. It is a lovely thing to say, I find, and to do, check out if it is possible, checking flights, etc. It is wonderful really!

So, here's my reaction:

• Feeling a little teary-eyed, some emotions coming up I don't know how to identify.
  
• Feeling insecure and a little scared.
  
• For some reason a bit angry, as in "Why the heck is he doing this? Is he doing this for me? Is he doing this purely for himself? If he is doing this for me, why is he doing it for me?" While I wrote the part in quotation marks I felt fear coming to surface. That fear has a feeling of "run for the hills" attached to it. :confused:

Now, don't get me wrong. I can and do see I am the one with the problem. Plus, please do not read "more" into what I wrote than there is. I do mean the "a little" and "a bit"s. What I am trying to say it is not a major issue, it is nothing out of my control at all. But it baffles me. The question I am asking is: "What is this?"

I would appreciate any idea of what this could be. Random thoughts highly welcome.

Thank you.

 

[arfie]

Two quirks pop out of my own insecurity jar.

1) Any time something good happens to me, I start looking for the strings attached or the bully that is gonna push me down and take my prize.

2) Developing relationships have real world risks. Can't count the number of times I jumped in too quick and blind.

Just chew food.

 

[Hashi]

My random thought is that what makes me want to run for the hills is caring and nurturing directed my way. Other people might not understand but I have internal cues saying "get away quick!" It may be nice to be treated with consideration but that doesn't mean I'm comfortable with it.

Hope it goes well for you and this person. It sounds promising.

 

[CVC]

And I'll add an account of my own experience, as I see some possible parallels to yours:

When people can see my pain and unmet needs, it scares me. I can see the contours of my fear today in the landscape of my traumatic past: I had so much need that could not be voiced, and so much pain I could not disclose. In general, I find just having needs to be a threatening thing. Anytime I feel needy, I become afraid and my self-hate becomes extra-intense (I think I hate myself for having needs that cause me so much pain). When people see my need, and I can see that they see it, it just reminds me of how needy/in pain/vulnerable I feel (which triggers the fear, a fear of intolerable suffering), and how much I hate myself.

 

[Britt.f7]

Being close to anyone can bring fear. But there comes a time you just have to trust, comes what may. You are worth the extra time. You are worth being cared about and for. That is what you need to understand.

When I got married, to a very nice man, one of the things he told me in the beginning was that he wasn't going to be mean to me just because that is what I was familiar with and comfortable with. It's hard to get over and there are still times I question if I deserve him, I've been married 19 years.

You can do this.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

It's called being NORMAL. I don't see it as a PTSD thing.

 

[anonymous]

Thank you all, arfie, Hashi, CCV, Britt and Solara. Food for thought. :)

For the first time I feel I am not getting in blind. My eyes are open. I should add that I have my therapist for review of things, helping me ensure it's normal relationship stuff basically and I am not missing any warning signs. Jumping in too quick... Don't think so. According to therapist, no. Doesn't feel like it to me either. Although I am slower than him on an emotional level. But that's okay. We've talked lots of things through too. What I really liked was him asking me if I didn't think it was dangerous having him over at my place the first day. I said I had two friends to check up on me (they did) and my therapist. He actually liked that. I am amazed, over and over again, by his care on many levels. Can I be this lucky? He asked if this was real. I had been wondering the same. There's that "run for the hills" feeling again...

Yup, Hashi, I have had what you wrote in your post. It's not gone, but it's a lot better. I actually now do want and desire and enjoy care and nurturing. The doubt is still there though. I told him, too. He seems committed to making this work. I am certainly committed myself. Thanks for the well wishes.

"I can see that they see it", is probably it for me. That they WANT to meet my needs and wants. Why would anyone WANT that? A remainder question from my childhood. Nobody wanted to then.

Thank you, Britt, for wording it so clearly, that I'm worth the extra time, being cared about and for. Reading your post made me smile, the part about your husband. My wonderful guy has expressed very similar things. I think we have a lot of understanding and patience for one another because we both have lots of trauma. Unfortunately.

Your post made me smile, Solara. After reading yours, I read my original post again. I guess you're right, may well go under "normal". Funny (to me) how you can come this far and then not see the wood for the trees. Normal... now how did that happen??? :D Thank you.

This is real difficult for me. But so worth it. He said to me once that I am worth suffering for (in the context of his travelling here), so, not suffering-suffering. :) I think he is worth suffering for too. This is way too good to not give all that I have.