General When is enough enough, how can I save him from himself?

[Kat Ferguson]

Your story sounds so much like my own with my husband. Lots of trauma from childhood abuse and witnessing abuse of the younger siblings. There’s been years of self medicating with alcohol.
Right now it’s adderall. It makes him think he’s “figuring it out” but it’s actually making him way more paranoid. There have been many fights over money- the money that keeps going missing to buy the adderal. The last few weeks have been especially rough….Looking for advice.
He is in therapy once a week which seems to usually set off a downward spiral.
He is extremely paranoid. We have a one year old. He thinks someone is out to get us/ hurt the baby. Thinks we are being followed or watched. Doesn’t trust anyone, sometimes not even me or his therapist. Refuses to get more help because “it’s all a set up”.
He is so bad right now and is accusing me and my family of horrible (untrue) things.
I can’t call 911 on him- I think he would do something drastic. Definitely does not trust any law enforcement or authority in general.
Our life has become chaotic and unsustainable. How do I get him more help? To stop taking the adderall at least for some peace?
Side note- when he does not take it, he can barely get out of bed. Extremely apathetically depressed. I don’t know which is worse- the apathy or the crazy paranoia?!
He’s never been violent towards me- just punches cars/ walls, etc. but also will leave the house for hours and not answer his phone so I worry.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Our life has become chaotic and unsustainable. How do I get him more help? To stop taking the adderall at least for some peace?

The first thing is to make sure you and the kiddo are safe and secure if he is unstable and erratic. Maybe he doesn’t need access to the finances if he is spending them on adderall. Maybe you and baby need to go stay elsewhere if he is punching walls and cars. Yes, he is unwell, but he is an adult who is choosing to abuse substances as a bad coping mechanism.

He needs help, but he doesn’t get to traumatize you and baby just because he is ill.

 

[Flying Dove]

The only person who can save us is us.
There comes a day when we look in the mirror and admit we need help.
There's no way to speed that date up, or make the process easier
The alcohol and drug route is easier because it numbs the pain and keeps us from seeing the damage we are doing to ourselves and those around us.

For me it was waking up in the middle of the night in my kitchen armed with a knife, and I had no idea what I was going to do with it. I just knew I needed to fight for my life. That scared the shit out of me because I realized in that moment I could have actually hurt hubby. That was when I finally called the VA crisis line for help.

But even after that aha moment comes and we start therapy things usually get much, much worse because then we have to face our demons and try to beat them into submission. Ya -that sucks

My t once told me that no one can be held responsible for the decisions made by another adult. Hubby could love me and support me but my choices were my own - especially the bad ones.
I had to accept it was up to me to decide and then I had to live with those choices.

You can't save someone who doesn't want to decide to be saved.

Wrote a post about this and my experience with my first late husband.,

 

[Ecdysis]

To stop taking the adderall at least for some peace?
Side note- when he does not take it, he can barely get out of bed. Extremely apathetically depressed. I don’t know which is worse- the apathy or the crazy paranoia?!

So, depression symptoms can be due to low thyroid levels... Some people (like me) are super sensitive to even mild decreases in thyroid hormones (where blood test results come back as "on the low end of the normal range") and get massive symptoms from it (basically sleeping 23 hours a day and still being exhausted).

If that's the case, then treatment with thyroid meds will definitely help. They're like the gas pedal of the car - low thyroid levels is like the brake is on full force.

Some pdoc's are even willing to prescribe low levels of thyroid meds as an anti-depressant even if the person doesn't have thyroid issues because basically they act similarly to how adderal affects your partner - it ups their energy level. If you're careful taking thyroid meds, they shouldn't have the kind of extreme response like the adderal tho, or the extreme side-effects, like paranoia.

Taking T4 thyroid meds is a gentler effect, if you want a bit more bang for your buck, T3 thyroid meds are worth a try (tho they'll have stronger side-effects like insomnia, feeling on edge, anxiety, etc) if you aren't really exact about taking just the right (small !!) dose.

 

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

He has PTSD he isn’t a child or someone who has the functioning skills of one.

He chose not to take your help,

A good point here -thank you for highlighting it Charbella . Opens up a dimension and a truth that: as debilitating and paralysing as PTSD is a person still has the power to make a choice.
Community, please note-This is stated with complete respect to sufferers- not intended to offend in any way, at any level.
Often supporters suffer the same as their sufferers. Sometimes MORE.
There are tears for the supporters. Loss. Grief.
Rejection is a powerful force. Sufferers who were often rejected in their past or in childhood trauma - then grow up an go onto rejecting supporters and carers (genuine, sincere and devoted ones) who love and want to BE THERE unconditionally.

And then ,suddenly ,it has a vague and distinct reminiscence to the lyrics.
"This is all about the circles we found , through the ups and downs ..."

"I want to be your magical mystery ,I want to be your final history........ "
"And round and round it goes .........."

 

[Friday]

Community, please note-This is stated with complete respect to sufferers- not intended to offend in any way, at any level.
Often supporters suffer the same as their sufferers. Sometimes MORE.

Speaking as someone often in both roles? It’s a different thing.

Because there is complete powerlessness, in being a supporter.

Some people deal with that easily, with difficulty, or simply cannot.

Less of a pain scale, than a power scale. Pain can be all over the map. Power? Is at near zero.

Personally? I deal with powerlessness with EXTREME difficulty. It’s pain on top of pain. I would FAR rather “simply” be someone with PTSD than someone who loves someone with my own brand of crazy.

 

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

Speaking as someone often in both roles? It’s a different thing.

Because there is complete powerlessness, in being a supporter.

Some people deal with that easily, with difficulty, or simply cannot.

Less of a pain scale, than a power scale. Pain can be all over the map. Power? Is at near zero.

Personally? I deal with powerlessness with EXTREME difficulty. It’s pain on top of pain. I would FAR rather “simply” be someone with PTSD than someone who loves someone with my own brand of crazy.

Thank you Friday ( I tend to think of Robinson Crusoe every time I see your name) And the weekend ( we all look forward to).
In an incredible way you have articulated and captured the pain-power paradox of sufferer-supporter and also captured human fragility.
Thank you for sharing your own feelings - so honestly and so politely. Really appreciated.
"Complete powerlessness in being a supporter" .So true.
We are all woven together and intertwined on this crazy journey - and we all have our own brand of crazy ( not just you:-)
Human connection being the quintessential requirement. A need in everyone of us .
Loving someone with PTSD or CPTSD is one of the greatest joys and privileges- yet, when the heart break comes it is the cruelest cut and the deepest grief.

 

[Freida]

Community, please note-This is stated with complete respect to sufferers- not intended to offend in any way, at any level.
Often supporters suffer the same as their sufferers. Sometimes MORE.

As a sufferer? I totally agree with this.
Sometimes I don't know how supporters do it.
I know that sometimes I'm not easy to deal with, and I also know that I was totally clueless about the impact my reactions had on my supporters until I found this site and actually started interacting with supporters. It kinda shocked the crap out of me to hear how things look on their side. I had NO idea the kind of pain I was causing.

It was very humbling.

 

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

As a sufferer? I totally agree with this.
Sometimes I don't know how supporters do it.
I know that sometimes I'm not easy to deal with, and I also know that I was totally clueless about the impact my reactions had on my supporters until I found this site and actually started interacting with supporters. It kinda shocked the crap out of me to hear how things look on their side. I had NO idea the kind of pain I was causing.

It was very humbling.

Thank you @Frieda for boldly acknowledging this . Your frank comment and honesty is much appreciated.

 

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

she was messing him up more. started with a Clinical Psychologist in May 2023 - I thought he was losing his mind literally throughout the summer,

THIS .Same.

I’m being really serious with this question - at what point should you step in to save your partners life?

THIS - yes at which point ??
Especially ,
especially ,when he one day seated in a park ,he says to me after his therapy sessions ( which zone him out) he once said feels like blowing his brains out ??????????

Then goes no-contact at every whim and fancy.

 

[Friday]

especially ,when he one day seated in a park ,he says to me after his therapy sessions ( which zone him out) he once said feels like blowing his brains out ??????????

Then goes no-contact at every whim and fancy.

You might want to look at what you just wrote.

Someone attempting NOT to kill themselves, isn’t going no contact on a whim. They’re trying to save their own life. Some relationships will survive that, but most won’t.

So what’s the better outcome?

Protecting your relationships until you eat your gun… or prioritizing life?

 

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

You might want to look at what you just wrote.

Someone attempting NOT to kill themselves, isn’t going no contact on a whim. They’re trying to save their own life. Some relationships will survive that, but most won’t.

So what’s the better outcome?

Protecting your relationships until you eat your gun… or prioritizing life?

Hey Friday - appreciate your response - not here for a debate or to prove any point - I have seen what I wrote - YES -forget protecting relationships -

1) I was making reference to the therapy sessions(and comment made AFTER therapy)
2) how to help someone who would say such things ,or was it in disassociation mode ( example should I get a welfare check sent out?)

Please look at all my posts before passing judgement while I am still learning. I am here on the forum as a GENUINE supporter . Might not be a PRO - but everyone started out as a "NEW HERE " taking years to become a pro.

Prioritising HIS Life IS priority ( there is not one moment or thread I have said it is not), would have given every moment to help him - so please try not to disrespect that - you are not aware of my background and appreciation of LIFE ITSELF.
Some statements are severely misinterpreted on this forum sadly. It happened a few times now. Even in the communication thread.
I was reaching out here - Hmmmmmmm best not to.
Us supporters have a very tough time too - and some of us are TRULY and SINCERELY not engulfed in ourselves , but trying to understand and help a sufferer .
I have rarely seen any acknowledgement or recognition to my posts of actually trying to empathise and comprehend that someone is TRYING HARD to support a sufferer.
Just like a sufferer struggles communicate - a supporter too can sometimes have struggles.
Empathy for BOTH is a positive outcome.

Perhaps best I not reach out .