Relationship When Is Enough, Enough?

[Cult]

So I have posted about my situation many times on this board. My partner is experiencing a great deal of anger. Even in the best of times (ie; before PTSD) she was not a good communicator. She deals with things two ways: shutting down or running away.

Where we stand at the moment is that I am giving her all the space she wants. This means that we spend virtually no time together. Between commuting, working and sleeping, I am gone 15+ hours each day. She is alone pretty much all of the time. Even with this much "space", she still wants more and is finding reasons not to spend time with me on the weekends, etc.

Basically, it seems she wants NO time with me at all. She is spending time with other relatives and friends, and she spends an hour or so each evening with me during the week and a portion of the weekend. But the time spent is very superficial.

I am getting very few of my needs met at the moment and I am not sure how long I can keep this up. It feels very much like a charade of a relationship. She is in therapy but unmedicated, and I really think medication would make a HUGE difference in that it would help her regulate herself enough to begin to sort out her life. She has a history of severe major depression so this is not the first time something like this has happened to her. In the past she took medication and was even recommended for ECT. She rejected this and moved to a different city. I did not know her then, but she says that after three years of therapy and meds she was able to function again.

Am I within my rights to tell her that if she refuses medication I cannot live with her any longer?

She is 100% financially dependent on me, she has no job and I pay all of the bills, so if I decide to move out, that means her cell phone, her gas money, everything goes. And I know that in the end this is the right thing to do. I have massive codependency issues, obviously, to have not only enabled but actively facilitated such a situation. I am working on those now and it's painful that she cannot be there to support me.

Has anybody successfully weathered the pushing, the pulling, and the raging in a long term relationship where you cohabitate with the other person? If so what worked?

 

[rightkindofme]

I grew up with people like that. I got out. I will never live with someone who treats me that way and my husband is clear that I'm not allowed to abuse him either.

I wouldn't be ok supporting someone who treated me badly. That would be a huge hot button for me and I couldn't handle that. Only you can decide what you can live with. If she is getting what she wants then she has very little impetus to change.

 

[Cult]

I know that a big explosion is definitely coming. I can't live like this for much longer. It's not just my relationship with my partner. My work life is a mess too and I am trying to address that at the same time as all of this. It is overwhelming to say the least.

What about this situation do you consider abusive? It's hard for me to see it objectively. None of my friends or family can understand why I am still with her, and this was BEFORE the PTSD and the "total shutdown" on her part.

 

[rightkindofme]

If you live in fear of rages then you are being abused. You should not have to walk on egg shells. Women are a users too, men do not have a monopoly no matter what you read on the Internet.

Personally I wouldn't push someone towards meds. They have been shown frequently to not be what someone with PTSD needs and they often cause as many problems as they solve. I'm not pro-med and definitely coercing someone to medicate is shaky.

But you can have boundaries. "I have the right to think my partner should be willing to spend some time with me. I have the right to ask for dates. If you are never willing to spend time with me I can only act like you don't like me and move on to finding someone who does."

I have attachment issues. I don't fall in love easily and I can walk away from anything. I stay with my husband because he actively treats me well and he works hard to ensure that I get what I need. In trade I have to do my very best to meet his needs, even when it is hard for me.

I have had to get control of my rage. I'm the break things and put holes in walls person in my life. It is very hard to control. I do so because I finally understand that I don't want my children seeing something like that modeled as an appropriate reaction. I basically pick my behavior based on what I am ok with my kids doing. As a result we have a peaceful and loving relationship.

I will never be terrorized again.

 

[Pencil]

long term relationship

Do you actually even have a relationship?

 

[Cult]

This is great insight, RKOM. Maybe my real question is this: what does a functional relationship with someone who has PTSD look like? What does "trying" on their part look like?

I tried to set (what I thought) were boundaries with her at first. We went so far as to set up a calendar "reminding" her to show me some form of affection each day. We tried it for a week, but she felt controlled, especially when one of the "reminders" did not come off so well and I discussed it with her. I am in the very beginning stages of addressing my (severe) codependency, and I have to be honest and admit that I do not know how to set healthy boundaries period, and particularly with her.

Since the calendar experiment ended (we both agreed) she gives me ILY pretty much daily, and spontaneous displays of some kind of attachment/affection (peck on lips) about twice a week, but compared to how we used to be this is nothing. It's like comparing the Pacific Ocean to a swimming pool. She has taken away everything I loved about her, basically, and I am essentially living single at this point. She sleeps away from home (with relatives) three or four nights per week, and this has been her standard schedule all year (even pre-PTSD). She helps take care of her toddler nieces and nephews. She is codependent on her sister and the sister's kids, and I am codependent on my partner. :confused: What a mess!!! But if it wasn't for me paying all of the bills/her bills, she would be forced to step up and participate in her own life and the relationship. I know that is the direction I am going but the PTSD has complicated things. I don't want to push her completely over the edge, but at the same time I need to take care of myself.

 

[Cult]

Do you actually even have a relationship?

Wow, tough stuff but maybe just what I need to hear. I would like to hear more. What about my situation suggests that this is not a relationship?

 

[p-no]

Can I suggest something, Cult? Read your own posts in this thread for finding what suggests it maybe isn't. Consciously look for it. It's there.

 

[Pencil]

Almost every single thing. You sound like a provider, nothing more.

Perhaps you should identify the things that makes your 'arrangement' a relationship. Do you communicate? Do you have common goals? Do you actually know one another? Do you spend time together? Do you actually share anything, except for an address and the resources that you provide?

 

[rightkindofme]

Well, every relationship is different. There isn't a model for how they look. In my relationship we have to find balance for time off (he's a severe introvert and we have two extremely extroverted children) and sex and hobbies. We consciously talk about calendaring and divvy up the time available.

We have sex at least ten times a month. I initiate and keep a tally mark on our calendar. It makes him feel loved and I feel like I have access to "the magic button that keeps him happy". I watch his stress levels and when he is freaking out I step up on sex. All of a sudden he is calm and happy and able to support me more. I think of it as a virtuous cycle. :)

I have always had a high libido though--I ended many relationships because people didn't want to have enough sex with me. I'm not sure this would be "functional" for someone else.

 

[Cult]

I'm really glad I posted this thread. Waking up from a deep coma is hard but necessary. Thank you all and I do welcome additional feedback. I am going to post a thread in the Sufferers forum to ask them their take on my partner's behavior and what is fair for me to ask. I am so codependent right now that I truly don't know.

 

[amethist]

Hi Cult

Look at your relationship another way.

If this was a friend what would you say to them, would you encourage them to stay or leave.

Then take the PTSD out of the relationship altogether, would you still be with her, would you honestly support someone who showed you nothing at all in return.

Tough questions, but nothing in a PTSD relationship is easy, ever.

I hope you sort this out for your own sake, no one else's.