When is it time to cut family ties?

[InsertCoinsHere]

I came 'home' from another country to seek to mend a dysfunctional family. After receiving treatment and having a good understanding of my family history and a grasp on what it takes to heal, I thought I could make it manifest. I had a dream that we could all bring up our differences, drop the guards and find true connection through honesty.. I'm now finding that is a fantasy.

I'm seeking the family I never had.. I'm not talking about an ideal family I'm talking about wanting a healthy nurturing family, one that doesn't invalidate you, treat you like the black sheep, and continue to shame you.

I came home to heal myself and heal a sick family - one that ignores all life's issues and hopes it goes away. A family full of skeletons.

Though I never had the choice as a child to choose a different family or even seek healthy attachments now I do. I can either a) Stick in a family that will not change and only become not deranged as the skeletons pile up

Or b) Start a new life, distance myself from them and seek to validate my own needs

I feel I'm at a crossroad, one which states I'll end up most likely bitter, resentful and angry of the things I never did and the other holds a whole load of potential for growth.

I will always love my family, however I cannot love their toxic actions and behaviour.


My question is:

Has anyone here had to cut ties with the family? How did you go about it? In hindsight what do you wish you did was different?

I don't necessary thinks there's a right or wrong answer is my case, however that doesn't make it an easy decision.

 

[ILoveLife]

Is your family or any of your close family members your abusers? If it is, and there is no chance to mend anything than ok.

Otherwise things are not black and white, there are more options that save them vs leave them. Dynamics happen for a reason, as not all families are open to heal the broken pieces, but some family members might be open to try new ways of dealing with life.

What I found, being in a similar situation, is that the family dynamic as a whole is not perfect and won't heal unless most are on board, but I can mend relationships with certain family members open to it.

You can't heal others, but you can heal yourself, impose boundaries and have gratifying moments with family members despite their skeletons.

 

[MyWillow]

I’ve recently gone no contact with my father, twice a year texts with my brother (normal) and limited phone calls with my mother that leave me in heavy tears of grief every time.

When I’m down the b@$tard$ go for the jugular. When I’m up I’m never good enough no matter how hard I try. It’s devastating. But as my T pointed out I need to do this for the sake of my own mental health until I build up sufficient resilience to enforce stronger boundaries. As it is I haven’t been to a family Christmas in 10 years. Just the word “family” makes me want to throw up or dissociate or run a million miles.

 

[InsertCoinsHere]

Yes I'm currently living with a sibling that sexually abused me and then there's my father that witnessed the abuse, stopped it however told me to keep it quiet and never speak of it. My father never told my mother of the abuse so I grew up feeling emotionally neglected by both parents.

Since then my mother has found out due to me speaking out about it now I'm older, she sometimes refuses to believe it and other times accepts it may happened but isn't emotionally available to help support me. My mum tries to help in terms of having an interest in my progress e.g. When is my next appointment, driving me there on occasions and even at times sitting in during doctor visits.

I do struggle mainly with my mother as I can perceive how difficult this must be for her, however I require an emotionally available supporting mother more than anything, it makes me upset that she was and cannot now be that safe space for me. I feel she cannot open up without her whole world collapsing in and I don't want that.

My Sister won't heal, she's oblivious and my Father acts as if he is passively engaged however he will not change, he still claims he cannot remember the incident.. I have my suspicions he does remember however doesn't want to admit that he knew all that time.

So I'm left with a mother that is stuck to a father that neglected my needs and a sister that is oblivious as my parents don't want to talk about the abuse with her as she has a child to look after.

It's very confusing and hurts my mental health to be totally honest. Deluisons run riot with these loose endings.

 

[ILoveLife]

Yep. Safer to get out of there.
My advice is have a solid therapeutic approach when leaving, it tends to be very hard to cut ties or go no contact.
I went no contact before but my mom was willing to mend the relationship years after.
More than that I can't advise because when I did it, I was in an abusive relationship so yeah.
Be safe first and foremost.

 

[MyWillow]

@InsertCoinsHere that sounds about as unhealthy as it gets but it’s you who needs to make that decision with support from a really good T. Wise words from @Sietz

 

[Esterio]

Hi there InsertCoinHere, I am sorry for what you are struggling with at this time.

I came to the realization that I can't change others I can only change myself. I only have 1 sibling left and she tells everyone that will listen to her she hates me. I have tried a lot to get us talking all it did was make things worse. I gave up and cut her out of my life. She has always been a violent vengeful person. I have had to block her phone number, filter out her emails and throw her letters unopened into the shredder to stop the attacks from her. She has told so many lies about me to the rest of the family and they don't contact me anymore either. I have stop trying to patch things up or contact any of them. I look at it as it is their loss not mine.

Love is a two way street and both sides need to put in effort to keep a relationship good and healthy. There is no right time to distance yourself. I think it is when you are being hurt by them and they continue, you put them out to the curb with the rest of the garbage. I don't believe my sister and I will ever talk again. I tried for 8 years and after my Moms death I severed ties with her completely. Had a lawyer draw up new papers to make sure there was no way for her to interfere him me again if I should become not able to care for myself.

So yes I have severed ties with my family. I hope this helps you.

Peace be safe
Esterio

 

[InsertCoinsHere]

Thank you all for your helpful responses. I truly appreciate the replies. They validate that I am not going crazy, sometimes I feel a part of a twisted nightmare and then I explain the fundamental facts to others and they become a third person that is able to help me see clearly.

From what I am gathering and also feel a gradual divorce from the family is appropriate for many reasons but most formally that my mental health is suffering as a result of their behaviours. I must ensure I am well first.

I'll have to get plenty of support (current only support is a single counsellor that I've only just began sessions with).. I could recruit my friends to help in addition. My partner is supportive however she's lives far away. I currently have no stream of income as I've been so overwhelmed to even do basic tasks without PTSD exhaustion hitting and then dissociating. A job would be helpful to earn money so I can gradually look at renting a place with my partner and getting well. I have began new medication which should hopefully help with sleep therefore I may have more energy to take on a part time job and work my way up to more hours.

My goal now is to gather support, become increasingly self efficient and home in on managing PTSD symptoms so I can get a job and thus income so I can move away from a toxic theatre. Maybe I should live with my partner, my only concern is that she lives with her parents and I feel terribly ashamed and withdrawn around them.. I have always had difficulty with partners parents.. It's as if I always believe I'm not good enough.. Maybe I can work on this in therapy so I can move in..

Thanks for the support all.

 

[EveHarrington]

If they're toxic, flush 'em!

I got rid of my dad for the most part. He will be gone for good soon enough. Fortunately he was an ass to everyone else in the FOO so they are on my side, even if they don't know about the abuse. I don't talk about it with my sister, as she wasn't around for the abuse and I would be an ass to make her choose. She sees that my dad is out to lunch and not really making an effort to have her child (his only grandchild) in his life. Actions speak....I don't have to say a word because everyone else can see what an ass he is. I'm loving it.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I’ve just come off my daughters wedding over 3 days 7 hours away. My siblings were there. My ex was there. My fathers dead and mother is brain dead from dementia and will die any minute. I was the lost child of my violent, alcoholic family. All I remember is violence. I knew my escape was college. I left home at 17 and never went back. I have held my family at a long arms length away. At various times I have attempted to bond with my siblings, but still to this day, I am abused by them. We all ended up alcoholics and all but 1 has recovered. They really beat me up after my chemical injury. The last place on earth to find compassion. My mother disowned me when I got pregnant with my first child because we weren’t married. Then when I got sick, she wrote my daughter a letter telling her I was incompetent and she should move in with them. Behind my back, that was how my mother dealt with my poisoning. They all suck.