When It Rains, It Pours

[Casey_03]

Sorry for posting twice in a row, but things are piling on right now. I just got an email from my baby's father, who is a reprehensible human being. (I had blocked him on gmail but the block function only sends his emails to spam, and I made the mistake of opening a message he sent me when I saw it in there.) He now wants to meet the baby and says he hopes there has not "already been irreparable damage" from me being a bad mother. He resorted to really low blows and said, "I can only hope you don't get the urge to cut the baby like you cut yourself." (He had obviously seen my years-old scars from cutting when we were together). I didn't think he can hurt me but well, there you go, now I'm sitting here thinking he must be right and I must be a terrible mother somehow. And maybe there is irreparable damage from when I get frustrated with the baby and say "please shut up, please shut up."
But more importantly the father is now claiming I am depriving my son of the right to meet his father based solely on my own anger. Objectively, I know that the father was abusive throughout the pregnancy and engaged in really terrifying things to torment me -- things he knew would harm the baby (like trying to get me fired so i'd have no money to pay for pregnancy costs). I know he is reprehensible and abusive. And yet now he has planted this seed of doubt in my mind and I find myself feeling guilt for preventing him from meeting the baby. Am I going insane here? I can't stop crying

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

You're not going insane. You are sleep deprived, in a tough situation, and dealing with a newborn! Read your post and focus on those reasons why you should not be feeling guilty or like a bad mother because you have stated exactly why you shouldn't believe him. And dealing with a crying baby is hard. It causes all kinds of worries and doubts and frustration. It gets better though. Also, giving birth does wreak havoc on your emotions so keep watch on that (more than usual) and seek out help if you think things are getting hard- even if that means bringing a crying baby to the ER (if they have that option there) to get some help even if for a short spell. But you are not insane.

 

[Stickler]

You don't want that poisonous sack of turds anywhere near your sprout.
He'd steal the kid just to hurt you, methinks.
He's already endangered the baby in the process of trying to hurt you.
Your mom-instincts are right.
Don't let him near your son. Nope.

Don't take that guilt trip, either.

Do save those emails, though, in a separate folder...evidence.
You never know when you might need it.

...Look...for whatever reasons?
He wants to harm you in whatever way he can.
Right now the only way he can is words.

You ARE a most excellent, fierce mom...you have already been through an outrageous ordeal for this kiddo.
You are fighting courageously for him!
You would not harm a hair on your child's head!

 

[Casey_03]

And I just got robbed. Went to take the last money I had in my account to pay for the doctor's visit tomorrow and there must have been some device in the machine. There goes the last of my money.