Relationship Do they just disappear when they are overwhelmed?

[EveHarrington]

Well, this is what I like to happen when I stop my pushing.

I don’t like being raked over the coals. I know I’ve done wrong and I already feel a great deal of shame and guilt.

However, I know it’s important to discuss what happened so I let my partner express himself. Fortunately this time it was a calm conversation, and he was firm but not punitive on his part. He told me that my crazy texting had to stop or else it’s going to end up pushing him away forever and he would end up not coming back at some point. Fair enough. He wasn’t trying to hurt me while getting his point across. I know my behavior has to change.

I advise going slow at first, as he may be sheepish when he first resumes contact. When things have improved somewhat between you, and neither of you is emotional, let him know you’d like to talk about what happened so that if it happens again you can have a plan in place for how to handle things. Let him know that no contact hurts you, but you understand that he needs time to himself. Ask him if he can let you know with a short text that he needs alone time, and ask him if it’s ok to check in once a day, once every few days, etc.

If at any point he aborts, gets angry, and refuses to talk about it....unfortunately you have your answer.

Again this is what I’d like to happen with me. Other sufferers may have a different take.

 

[Freida]

Yes --- tell me ..calmly...how what I did made you feel. Then tell me what will make you feel better next time. Because there WILL be a next time. and a time after that and a time after that. It's how I cope when I'm overwhelmed. I had NO IDEA how my behavior was affecting my supporters until I came here and read how the other side feels. I truly (still) think my taking off is the best for both of us.

Work with me to set rules. I can run - but no more than X amount of days. I must send one text each day saying I'm ok. I must attend therapy. etc.

These are YOUR boundaries. This is telling me what you will accept as part of our relationship. Then I can decide if I can live with those. The key is to have this conversation when I'm in a place I can understand it. Not when I'm symptomatic.

 

[Marie8455]

Good Morning! @Freida What is the longest you have ever isolated for (sorry if you have already answered this previously)? What where you worried about upon your "return"? When you isolated did you miss the other person?

 

[Freida]

Oh yea -- bout that!
Longest I've isolated really depends on the type of isolating I was doing. I know that is confusing, but it can range from just not talking to anyone for a couple days to getting on a train and getting off in a different city and staying.
Did I miss people? Nope. When I'm pushed to the point of needing to isolate I forget there ARE other people. I think that is confusing to supporters because they forget isolation is the reaction - not the cause.
By the time I get there my mind is so haywire I'm in complete and total survival mode. Hubby says when I do it at home (and that took years to get to) it's like I'm a zombie. I can respond and function but I'm totally detached from anyone.
Returning? I never worried about it -- because I didn't think it mattered. I got stress, took off for a bit, got my head straight, came back. I figured I was doing them a favor by taking off - so I had no shame when I came back. Until I came here and started reading the supporter diaries and realized --- holy crap that's not how it works for them!

I started a thread on it a while back and a bunch of sufferers and supporters weighed in .... What are they thinking
it might help....:):)