Childhood When Parents Compare Siblings

[theshadowoftheliving]

As I grew up, my mother told me that I was developmentally slower than my siblings, but that I "caught up" eventually. So, I grew up with the idea that I wasn't as smart as my siblings, and I was definitely treated as the slower, less mature daughter. My sister's intelligence was always praised and mine was not, and I just assumed that I wasn't as smart and therefore didn't deserve the praise.

I was also told that I was heavier and less feminine than my sister. I wanted to wear pink (because I always loved pink, frilly, girly things) but I was dressed in blue athletic gear as the proverbial masculine one while my sister - who everyone said was feminine and delicate and smart - got to wear pink, have a pink bedroom, etc. I just thought that was because I was clunky and boyish.

When I was at my parent's house over the holiday, I found my baby book - as well as my siblings baby books. With it, was a bunch of photocopies with my mother's handwriting where she had compared our developmental milestones, and I WAS AHEAD OF BOTH OF THEM. I was also more feminine, more delicate than my sister. And my report cards? My grades were always higher and I took more advanced level courses.

So why did she always treat me like I wasn't intelligent?

 

[Ronin]

So why did she always treat me like I wasn't intelligent?

Because she's not a good mother, herself, & nothing you would have done could have changed her excuses for abusing you?

It isn't about you, as about her & her so called parenting. I'm sorry she did that to you so many years.

 

[trying to heal]

Oh wow can I relate to this. I was constantly told by my family and school that i was slow or needed special help to get through. My mother regularly took me out of class and made me go to tutoring and attended special classes so my classmates viewed me as stupid too. My brothers were both praised regularly as being smart.

It wasn't until many years later(in the last year or so) when trying to complete my second degree when i am getting very high grades that they grudgingly acknowledge that i am as smart or maybe smarter than my brothers. I still have huge issues with having to get the highest mark pushing myself amd putting excessive amounts of stress on myself to get the high grades and even when I achieve good grades i feel like I haven't done well or should have tried harder.

 

[heylena]

I can attest with the parents preferring siblings over others. Both my sister and I agree that our parents - subconsciously or not - prefer my brother as he is naturally 'smart', gets higher grades easily without working for them or studying, has more friends and is extremely social. To add to that, is going through law school to become a lawyer. My parents have always compliments all of their children on what their strengths were, as everyone is obviously individually different. I was definitely humiliated when I went to my parents that I was considering law school versus pursuing a paralegal certificate and I received a disapproving gesture from my mother. Granted, when I was adopted, doctors in Russia had advised them multiple times that I was "retarded", but they still adopted me. And I am definitely not 'smarter' than my brother when comparing 'book smarts' as I have always had to study and work harder in academics. My parents are careful to say that I am "slower", because due to the details of my past, that sets my temper off. My mom and I have a close relationship but I have always felt that she was more "critical" or disapproving of me than my brother, who she constantly praised.

It constantly pisses me off - although she wasn't as blunt as your mentioned mother, who obviously - as one user pointed out - doesn't know how to be a mother. I would almost say that your mother was sadistic in that she never gave you praise on your accomplishments; at least, pull you in private, if the reason for her complimenting your sister over you was to not put a low self-esteem upon her. It sounds like she preferred your sister over you, but you were the one who was actually the competing denominator. So to speak.

#BossGirl - someone's always going to hate

Now, that I am dating a father of two children, I understand the importance of making sure to not 'favor' one child over the other. Each child has its strengths and qualities that are individual to their personality. Apparently his ex-wife would never compliment her daughter, but over emphasize how "cute" or "adorable" her son was; he's made a point of saying how disturbing that is.

 

[Freedomfighter]

As I grew up, my mother told me that I was developmentally slower than my siblings, but th...

Very strange, it sounds like your mom may have had some severe problems to overcome herself. Sometimes there are so many secrets in a family that often it is not found out until much later.
My family was like that, I watched my sperm donor treat my brother like crap while I was there. I don't know what is worse: if one gets treated like that or if one has to watch a sibling that gets treated like that.
But regardless, couldn't really claim that any of my family members that are still alive could possibly ever understand me anyways. I am a PTSD sufferer, I am autistic, have medium capabilities, have psychic tendendies and all of that crap is often enough to make me freak out all by myself, hihi

 

[Silent]

As I grew up, my mother told me that I was developmentally slower than my siblings, but th...

Hi theshadowoftheliving
I'm so sorry your environment, family was so destructive. I am not comparing you with anyone. I'd like to say my father was close to my oldest brother and my mother and other brother were unhealthily close. All 4 looked down on me and put me down every chance. I am not an expert but my feeling are this. You did nothing wrong, your family did everything wrong. My guess is you were smarter, more attractive, and a better person than they could handle. As all bullies (maybe not the right word) do, they put you down to make themselves feel better. Most people would feel bad for doing what they did to you. There is something wrong with them not you. I'm sorry love

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out why, and this is what I think:

I think my mother knew I was being sexually abused, and acknowledging that was just too much for her to bear. I became the least favorite because I was broken, because I was like the runt, easier to ignore than to acknowledge. The abuse was more okay if I didn't deserve anything better.

 

[The Albatross]

I was a first born RH baby in 1960... my brother was an RH baby in 1962. Before there was shots for RH blood incompatibility. My brother was the slower one... but the first three years he spoke a "language" that only I would undertand. I had to interpret and be his "ambassador to the world". He was not allowed to come home after birth til about 5 months old. He was in an incubator with jaundice and collapsed lungs. He had many pricks on his hands and feet from blood tests in the hospital.

My parents compared siblings cuz I was first born and though ill was healthier than he was. I could be better than the sum of my parts for my brother.

Recently my mother wanted me to have my baby book... and I refused. Then she said she'd thrown the album away and it was just some ziplock bags. I told her I had no one to give them to and I didn't want them.

She told me she had "no room". So I told her to throw them away.

I don't know what she did, but I don't care. I understand that in the 1960's we were ill children and at risk not just for RH but PKU... for which we were both tested for for our 1st 2 years... however... it will not be a warmly remembered time by either me or my brother.

Did they do what they could, if not their best? They economically did what they could. And... that's about all I have to say about that because if I break away from the time, the economy, the circumstances and start trying to see things though the way things "should be" or could have been or all that shit... well it ain't helpful or realistic and it doesn't help me one damn wit.