When Some One Is 'nice'

[CraftyCath]

I recently found out I was loosing my little cleaning job. I have only been doing 3 hours a week for the last 6 months and this is the only job I have held down in over 25 years. Well, I contacted another company and the took me on. Thing is, I came down with Gastroenteritis the day I was due to start. I didn't know what it was at the time, it came on so sudden and I thought it was a panic attack. Well I did panic but couldn't sort out my thoughts. I was so confused.

My hubby phoned the boss and said I was too ill to make it and the boss sent me a lovely text to say it was OK and to get better. He kept trying to ring me over that week but I wouldn't talk to him - I totally dissociated from it all. I realised as I started to come out of it that I had been doubly triggered. I was punished as a child for being ill, (too much trouble for my Mother) and I was falsely accused of killing a patient when I was a student Nurse - so work is probably the biggest trigger. I constantly expect to be falsly accused and it happens a lot.

As the boss had told me his wife had recently qualified as a councilor I sent him an e-mail explaining all of this. He text me back and said it was OK and that he understood. Then he sent me a voice mail saying he hoped I was feeling better and that he had kept my little job for me because he likes me and thinks I'm a nice person. but I'm just waiting ffor him to turn on me like everyone else. I know this is because of what has happened to me and the fact that I have been betrayed by my so-called friends who have dumped me but I just can't stop this terrible feeling of dread and the numb, sick feeling deep inside.

I'm not in therapy as I can't get help in my area of the UK on the NHS (25 years of trying). I can't afford to go private so I am now looking at either the RAF Benevolent Fund or the Ambulance Benevolent Fund (hubby was in the RAF and is now in the Ambulance Service) to fund my therapy. If they can't help I don't know what I will do.

Does anyone else have multiple triggers going off at once?
Does anyone know how to stop this feeling of dread?

 

[broken_one]

OH Sweetie, I do have multiple triggers at one time, nearly all the time, and no I don't know how but I wish I did know how to stop the feelings of dread. Mine come in waves. Waves of dread, impending doom.

But I can tell you this. There really ARE nice people out there. So get yourself well enough to go back to work, and consider your boss nice until he proves himself otherwise, if that is at all possible, which I understand it may not be.

I am thinking of you and hope you feel better my friend. (((((((CraftyCathy))))))) if that's ok with you.

 

[intothelight]

Hi CraftyCath,

That feeling of "waiting for the other shoe to drop" is so common with PTSD. We condition ourselves to expect the worst and it can be disconcerting when the opposite happens and someone is genuinely nice. Sometimes, confronting the fear, in this case going and trying to work, can be a way to lessen the trigger.

I am sorry you are having such difficulty in finding a T. Hopefully there are some other suggestions on this site that can help you with this.

Debbie

 

[CraftyCath]

Thanks Debbie,

I know I do this, I just want it to stop as I'm exhausting myself.

 

[Srain]

((((((((Hugs))))))))

Ugh, reading your post heading slammed me between the eyes! (Even on my first couple cups of coffee this morning) I thought I had misread it but realized I had it right. Oh yeah, yup, I grew up with this. Like you, getting sick growing up was worse than actually being sick, my mother slamming cupboards and draws was horrid. She always thought I was faking and I can recall passing out in class from Mono and being rushed to the doctor (no hospital if there weren't bones involved), having had it for months but choosing to go to school rather than face her anger and watery soup.

I feel you on this one. It's so difficult.

Peace,
Rain

 

[Kim]

I hope you're feeling better.

 

[broken_one]

Thinking of you.

 

[Lionheart]

I once heard someone say, "the only thing worse than not getting what we want is getting what we want." I understood this to mean that we have trouble when things go right and then we are not sure how to pattern our actions. I have discovered that most of the stuff that I dread never happens and are only negative thoughts in my mind, rather than the reality. Most times, things do not turn out to be as bad as what I am thinking because I tend to think of the worst case scenario first.

As for triggers, there are a lot of them that tend to overlap with other triggers, so I made a list of all the things that trigger me. Even when I cannot control my reaction, I can at least understand what is happening to me. The good news is that the frequency and intensity of the triggers decreased a lot over time.

I am sorry that you are struggling and hope that you are doing better soon!!!

LH

 

[Nighthawk]

I understand and whish I had the answers.

 

[CraftyCath]

[QUOTE,]getting sick growing up was worse than actually being sick[/QUOTE] Too true Rain - I still get scared even when I feel the slitest bit ill, which is most of the time!

Today I went on a car journey with my Sister, she knows I have PTSD and is trying to understand. When we were out, about 50 miles away, my boss rang me and asked me to work tomorrow. I dissociated straight away and just found myself saying yes. Straight afterwards I went into 'shock' and couldn't talk. I wanted every one to shut up and I wanted so much to be at home. I get very agrophobic at the best of times. I had just eaten and wanted to be sick as food is often a trigger too. I tried to hide it from my Sis but cried all the way home, she was very sweet but I couldn't explain how I felt, I wasn't sure exactly HOW I felt. I am still therapist hunting and hopefully he/she will help me through the work-based trauma enough to overcome this. I came off the meds last year and have done OK, even with small triggers. But this is my worst nightmare and I'm not sure I should go see my doctor and get some more. No thereapy no meds and no reality. I'll not give up though, I'm too stubbon.

Thanks for caring everyone. x

 

[CraftyCath]

This morning I found a Therapist willing to treat me. He does lots of different therapies so if one doesn't work we can try another. He is only 10 minutes away and I spent ages on the phone chatting and asking questions. He suggested I ask my GP to see if the NHS would pay for my treatment. My GP has left so I had to see a stranger. He said I could not be referred without seeing the NHS Psychiatrist and there is a waiting list for that. Once he has assessed me I will then be transferred to the Psychology department where I will be assessed again (by a psychiatric nurse usually) before they decide if I need to see our one and only Clinical Psychologist. He will then determine if I have PTSD and if the NHS will fund my therapy or if they feel that one of their own would be better. (They are trained in listening skills and CBT and the last one I had said she couldn't help me - maybe this time will be different). There is a 2 year waiting list to see the Clinical Psychologist so while I wait I may be 6 weeks (1 hour sessions) which I HAVE to attend or else I get struck off the list. I'm so tired of 'talking' about the PTSD and having someone stare back at me who offers no help, techniques etc. I'm all talked out.

So whilst I'm waiting for the NHS I'm gonna see this T anyway. Don't know where I'll get the money from - thin air? God? I'm seeing him on Friday at 3pm. Wish me luck!:unsure:

 

[Grim]

I'v got a similar problem with the NHS.

I find the waiting alongside the constant battle of having to prove your legitimacy to a new person, at each stage of the NHS referral process, to be really draining and difficult to cope with.

All the best with your new therapist and finding a pathway through the NHS.