When The Illness Defines The Person

[Britt.f7]

That's good Monster. I hated being around my mom when all she did was complain about how her illness took over her life and never looked at the positive. I would remind her of all she was able to do before it entered her life to the extent it did and all she could still do. That, of course, was her physical illness. Just frustrating as I was dealing with mine at a much earlier age then she did(same illness) and trying to adapt to it with kids in tow. I didn't want to be my illness or the result of my mental health. I want to heal and that which can't heal, to adapt my life to in a positive way.

 

[maddog]

I relate to what you said Monster. I think that sometimes, particularly when groups of people struggling with a common challenge come together for support and kinship, there is a culture of being defined by that struggle that can sometimes emerge, almost as a badge of camaraderie... I have seen this myself within a PTSD support group, and while I do now understand the temptation to collapse into that culture of learned helplessness and self definition, I do believe that long term it is toxic and dabilitating and it is something that has driven me to distance myself from said support group.

I know that sounds harsh and judgmental, and I don't really mean it to, only that I know that for myself, being defined by something I am working hard to manage and minimise in my life isn't a healthy supplement to my recovery.

That said, I need to avoid the other extreme of denial and self rejection too, and need to accept that while not a defining state, PTSD is definitely a part of me right now, and sadly, for now, a part of me that greatly impacts on my quality of life and self.

But as others have said, I like to think of this as a transitional state and a phase of my own personal journey. Whoever said we are the sum of our parts is absolutely correct.

Maddog

 

[InHell11]

I don't really know how to define myself, not sure exactly who myself is I've been feeling that way for quite a while. I certainly don't feel in control of it but I wouldn't define myself by it either at least not completely. Thing is its probably going to be with me for the rest of my life like part of me so I figure I may as well treat it like a part of me and try and work around or with it and live with the limitations....otherwise I am endlessly trying to get rid of it, ignore it and feel terrible when I fail every time.

 

[Anna]

I try not to let it define me. I get angry when people who do not know me or my illness try to define me with the label "Damaged goods", maybe because of my behaviour, or "troubled". Especially if they do not know me or my illness.

I try not to judge people and treat them how I wish to be treated.

Sometimes I wonder who I really am as I feel so different because of my emotional mood swings. I guess a lot in our society is defined by the way we look, especially if you are female. The clothes you wear, shoes, your hair, make up etc... that often people do not even notice your behaviour or personality! This gets to be known if someone takes time to get to know you.

 

[safenow]

Interesting thread. Over the years I've been labeled many things. Retarded, because I was so different than other children in not knowing things that most small children know. Handicapped because I have physical limitations. Insane because I pray and I react to things that others can't see or feel. Violent because my PTSD caused me to lose my temper so fast. Victim, because I've had so many traumas in my life.

For me, I don't go by any of the "labels". My illnesses have made me who I am, but they are not "who" I am.

Some people will tell you I am a caring, sensitive person who will put her life on the line to help someone in distress. Some will tell you I'm that artist lady who wears funny hats. Others will tell you I'm crazy and talk to things you can't see. Some think I'm nuts because I have been known to hug trees, and bubble over when I'm happy. Others will tell you I am a very spiritual person. My neighbors had never seen me in a ptsd episode until this past year. Then they saw me, for the first time, really triggered. When I fear for my life and the life of others, I do strange things.

But is that who I am? Does my illness define who I am? Probably.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I don't define myself as PTSD: I'm a person with PTSD.

But there are times when I struggle to get away from the PTSD label altogether and go back into denial that trauma can affect me so much. That is unhealthy too, because it means I'm not keeping on top of symptoms.

So I see it like having a baby, it doesn't define me, but I do accept it is there, it needs care and sometimes I need to give it my attention.

 

[Red Feather]

I am a musician, and if I am ever able to share my music with others, I would like it to go beyond PTSD and beyond how it has affected my life. I have to accept that I can not change some things about me and PTSD is one of them. It is hard sometimes. The symptoms show me my limits, and I want to go beyond that.

 

[winterose]

For me PTSD is apart of me. The traumas endured has defined me in certain places of development. I also tend to trigger off when too much of a good thing is happening. I think I can compare it to the same of people who like the rush of cliff diving etc. Adrenaline is the same. When I get triggered because something made me afraid, the adrenaline is the same. I was talking to someone about it who has also gone through alot and still carries PTSD but carries it differently.

He told me of a story when he was in that danger zone alert and after going through the voice of warning, realized there was no danger, he noticed in his sharp senses he could smell very sharply and smelled the first signs of spring. I understood that from being in the desert. It is amazing the other things you can sense too not just the scary stuff. I don't want to put a label on what just is but learn to use this as a good thing too. Now I know that this will be apart of who I am, I want to find ways to use it in good ways too. It's that balance thing. And before I get blasted, soldiers use this, cops, first responders, and crisis intervention workers. Anyone whose job has or is to go through this muck in life.

If your interested on the who it was who told me his name is Marc Macyoung. He has a website that teaches no nonsense self defense. He lectures and does seminars. I've discussed many things with him and he tells it like it is. Which I love. I look for ways to improve myself and one is wanting to go through adrenal response training so I don't feel so helpless out there.