Livy's Mom
Silver Member
Hello Everyone, I've been away for a bit just trying to keep my head on straight with my new normal. I wanted to give an update on what's been going on in our lives and get some wisdom, opinions, etc..
First, I'll start with the changes I have made personally for the better. I started taking off the layers of his illness I had been wearing for far too long. Totally my fault I was carrying WAY too much of his PTSD on my back and he didn't ask me to. Co-dependent and not afraid to show it. So, I did start throwing it off of myself and I can now see myself again. I can see the woman I was when we met and she is pretty awesome by the way. I have regret for letting so much of myself go but it is what it is.
I stopped making decisions based on the fear of how he may react or how he may perceive my actions. Wow what a good feeling. It took me a little bit but I finally came to the realization that it doesn't matter if I am kind or cruel, he will only see me one way and why walk the eggshells when he is too convinced I am an evil monster.
I stopped allowing social "norms"/family/friends to sway my decisions and thinking. For example, I decided NOT to go through the court system for child support and visitation. It made me feel ugly inside. Not because of him.... it made ME feel bad. You can't believe the opinions I've gotten on that but you know what... I don't give a hoot. I didn't want to do it and I didn't and it feels damn good.
I was fully prepared to financially support her on my own if that's what it was gonna be. Turns out, it wasn't gonna be that way. When I cancelled the court date and said support her or not I don't care, it is for you to live with... he supported her.
Now for the bad or shall I say the works in progress.
Most importantly he is still inconsistent with seeing her and it continues to be heartbreaking for me and her. He just became less and less a part of our lives and sometimes it's like he doesn't exist. That is so so hard.
We do have a schedule and once in a while he will follow through but if at any time he feels I have wronged him in any way he retaliates by not seeing her. I'll never understand it because it's really hurting her the most, not me. When I say if he feels I have wronged him, I wish I could provide an example but honest to god I can't think of a single thing I have done or said to cause it but apparently I do it all of the time!
I've learned to expect NOTHING from him.
He has done a few things here and there like the old him. Like helping with something at our house etc... those times are tough because when I catch a glimpse of the other man, I have a hard time not trying to grab onto him and not let go.
So that leads me to where I am now. I'm taking care of myself, I'm taking care of our daughter, I'm financially ok and I can see a future without him and I can even see it being quite happy.
Here is the problem. I STILL don't want that. Not at all. I still feel so strongly that I love this man and want to get through this. I haven't said this to him of course and it feels awful.
I watched this video online by Brene Brown on vulnerability (it's apparently been popular for years but I missed it) anyway the gist of it is that people who are happy have several things in common but the core was they accepted vulnerability and allowed themselves to be as such.
They said I love you when they thought they would be rejected. They took chances when the odds were against them. In many cases they lost but were not unhappy because of it. They were happier just having tried.
So what I want to know now is am I a glutton for punishment?? lol...
I am honestly considering telling him, "hey, just wanted you to know that I still love you very much and want our family and if at any time you want to just start over, I'll be glad to do it."
If I said this to my family and friends they would feel sorry for me... like I'm a pathetic love sick idiot. I'm not. I just really believe in my guts that we can make it.
Ok go. Hit me with your wisdom.
First, I'll start with the changes I have made personally for the better. I started taking off the layers of his illness I had been wearing for far too long. Totally my fault I was carrying WAY too much of his PTSD on my back and he didn't ask me to. Co-dependent and not afraid to show it. So, I did start throwing it off of myself and I can now see myself again. I can see the woman I was when we met and she is pretty awesome by the way. I have regret for letting so much of myself go but it is what it is.
I stopped making decisions based on the fear of how he may react or how he may perceive my actions. Wow what a good feeling. It took me a little bit but I finally came to the realization that it doesn't matter if I am kind or cruel, he will only see me one way and why walk the eggshells when he is too convinced I am an evil monster.
I stopped allowing social "norms"/family/friends to sway my decisions and thinking. For example, I decided NOT to go through the court system for child support and visitation. It made me feel ugly inside. Not because of him.... it made ME feel bad. You can't believe the opinions I've gotten on that but you know what... I don't give a hoot. I didn't want to do it and I didn't and it feels damn good.
I was fully prepared to financially support her on my own if that's what it was gonna be. Turns out, it wasn't gonna be that way. When I cancelled the court date and said support her or not I don't care, it is for you to live with... he supported her.
Now for the bad or shall I say the works in progress.
Most importantly he is still inconsistent with seeing her and it continues to be heartbreaking for me and her. He just became less and less a part of our lives and sometimes it's like he doesn't exist. That is so so hard.
We do have a schedule and once in a while he will follow through but if at any time he feels I have wronged him in any way he retaliates by not seeing her. I'll never understand it because it's really hurting her the most, not me. When I say if he feels I have wronged him, I wish I could provide an example but honest to god I can't think of a single thing I have done or said to cause it but apparently I do it all of the time!
I've learned to expect NOTHING from him.
He has done a few things here and there like the old him. Like helping with something at our house etc... those times are tough because when I catch a glimpse of the other man, I have a hard time not trying to grab onto him and not let go.
So that leads me to where I am now. I'm taking care of myself, I'm taking care of our daughter, I'm financially ok and I can see a future without him and I can even see it being quite happy.
Here is the problem. I STILL don't want that. Not at all. I still feel so strongly that I love this man and want to get through this. I haven't said this to him of course and it feels awful.
I watched this video online by Brene Brown on vulnerability (it's apparently been popular for years but I missed it) anyway the gist of it is that people who are happy have several things in common but the core was they accepted vulnerability and allowed themselves to be as such.
They said I love you when they thought they would be rejected. They took chances when the odds were against them. In many cases they lost but were not unhappy because of it. They were happier just having tried.
So what I want to know now is am I a glutton for punishment?? lol...
I am honestly considering telling him, "hey, just wanted you to know that I still love you very much and want our family and if at any time you want to just start over, I'll be glad to do it."
If I said this to my family and friends they would feel sorry for me... like I'm a pathetic love sick idiot. I'm not. I just really believe in my guts that we can make it.
Ok go. Hit me with your wisdom.
