When Therapists Recommend Staying In Contact With Abusive Parents:

[Hashi]

My therapist has not actually advised this but hints that the "cut-off" means that I still find her too powerful to handle.

I'm confused about what your therapist has actually said. Hints are too vague, and can be misinterpreted. If your T does think cutting yourself means you still find your mother too powerful to handle, her emphasis might be less on the contact and more on working on your own power. I don't know, it could be slightly or completely different. I don't advise reacting to a perceived hint, though. You could possibly be putting a lot of energy into a line of thought that isn't there.

I'd suggest clarifying what your therapist thinks, and expressing to her what you think and feel. If your therapist does think sustained contact with your mother is a good idea and you don't, I think you need to discuss that. Otherwise, I don't really understand how you can work together. To me, the question seems to be more about your relationship with your therapist than your relationship with your mother.

 

[Kadi]

Someone reminded me the other day that family is who loves and wants you. They don't have to be blood and for the most part never are. Your therapist should know this rule, but its obvious they don't.

I was assaulted by my entire family after years of childhood abuse and I will never speak to them again for this, and I have no intention of rekindling any kind of bond I ever had with any of them, to do so would be unhealthy and masochistic.

Its amazing how few counselors and therapists out there are trained in dealing with PTSD. I had to stop seeing my counselor for not being capable of helping me through this and not providing real therapy. All she wanted me to do was to go see a doctor licensed to prescribe meds before she would do any exercises with me. She said she couldn't help me until I was on drugs.

I have been waiting till I can afford to search for a therapists outside of what my university will pay for. I've considered seeing a hypnotherapist, i've heard it has produced some excellent results.

Do not reconnect with family members that were abusive. Unless they have gotten therapy themselves and have sought you out with a tremendous apology. Even then I would hesitate. Its best for you to move on with your life and think about the future and how you never have to deal with those abusive family members again. Your FREE! Don't listen to anyone who would suggest otherwise.

 

[BloomInWinter]

A T.'s belief system does show up negatively in the T. room for many reasons. Lack of professional preparation, lack of good professional support, inadequate exploration and resolution of their own issues, etc.

Is your T. a faith-based one, by any chance?

I ask, because my experience with some domestic abuse victims who failed to successfully escape the abusive situation did seek help but were encouraged to 'stay and keep fixing the situation...'

I have witnessed some faith-based T.'s advise this because their root belief system of 'Honor thy Mother and Father' is a fixed, rigid belief system which isn't easily cast aside, even when it clearly would be to their patient's benefit to do so. I haven't run into this from non-faith based T.s.

As for other possibilities, sometimes when they haven't been raised in a toxic family, they truly may have NO real frame of reference for just how bad it really is.

Also, some T.'s who have children or family members who won't see them have a wounded sore spot causing them to overempathize with the 'abandoned parent.'

I'm not saying this is going on, but it does strike me as strangely manipulative of your T. to keep pushing you into such an ongoing abusive situation. My T.'s would never advise me of that, and in fact, all of them over the years worked to help me be ok NOT going around my family if I didn't want to.

A therapist's job is always first and foremost, establishment of safety. That includes emotional safety.

Tell her exactly how you feel, and what you think about this. Keep asking more questions until she explains in a way that you can understand, AND that helps you make a decision on whether or not to listen to her.

I hope you do go back and make her aware of your thoughts/feelings. Because if she's not got a VERY good reason for telling you to continue going into toxic places with toxic people...she needs educating, and you deserve to reject her suggestions at any time.

 

[intothelight]

I really am having a hard time wrapping my head around this. Is maintaining a relationship with your mother something you wanted to do? Honestly, at this point it really is up to you and what your desires are. You T should be there to help you work through the issues that are bothering you or hindering you from achieving what you desire.

Sorry, but it is your life and not your T's. Do what you want; and by the way, it is OK to establish a boundary with a T too. Express what you want, and agree to disagree if that is the case; but if she continues to push, get a new T.

Wishing you the best.

Deb

 

[nimkekaa]

I have severed all contact with my parents and it was the best thing I have ever done. It was also one of the hardest.

Until I did stop all contact though I was unable to heal. I was too scared to even remember what had happened to me as a child when I had contact with them.

So in my case it was the best thing for me as now I am healing.

 

[Philippa]

I think that it might be true that she was too powerful for you to handle. I've had the same experience with my father, and cut contact with him. I wanted so much to be able to turn it all around and transform the relationship just by improving the way I communicate, and standing up for myself more to gain his respect...but you know, I wasn't feeling strong enough to, so I did what I had to to survive, and I think anyone who discourages that instinct in you is not someone I would continue to pay for help.

Further down the track, yeah, maybe you will be in a stronger place where you can handle her, but if you aren't now then there is no shame in that. It's wiser to accept the reality and do what you need to to feel safe than hang in there because your therapist, a person who has not experienced things from inside your skin, tells you it's a more empowered thing to stay.

She prostituted you at 15. That isn't a mother, that's someone who never deserved to be a parent in the first place...and doesn't deserve your time or company.

 

[Philippa]

I meant to add in my last post, but it wouldn't let me without providing a reason for editing it...so, I wanted to also say that sure, your therapist is entitled to their opinion, and they are human so they may judge you, but that does not mean you have to take their opinion on as anything more than what it is...an opinion. Everyone has at least one...like assholes.

 

[Philippa]

A friend once said to me that they believe that family is important, and they reserve the right to choose their own family. Blood may be thicker than water, but so what...if they are bad for you to be around and hurt you without any sign of remorse, they are not your real family and therefore you have no obligation to them whatsoever. It's only societal conditioning that says otherwise.

 

[BloomInWinter]

This has helped me feel less guilty for escaping my family...

"Simply having a bad sensation is tolerable if you remain secure in your mature, adult "self." But the toxic family doesn't allow you to stay mature and adult. There is something about the way these families interact that protects the perpetrator and blames the victim. Adult survivors who return, after a healing period of absence, usually find themselves treated like a child or an infant.

They cannot assert themselves effectively. I have thought of these families, or of individual family members, as "kryptonite." They are elements from a past life that rob one of his or her powers and make a survivor weak and vulnerable. In the case of a soldier returning from war, the "kryptonite" works in different, but related, way. A 30 year old may be treated like a 16 year old. There is either too much or too little interest in hearing about life and death among comrades-in-arms. The veteran wishes that civilian family life can be restored, but has little tolerance for those who can't appreciate the reality of war. And to be treated as an adolescent ironically elicits adolescent emotion: rage and rejection.

The kindest of families may have a hard time assimilating one who has been "to hell and back." Toxic families add insult to injury and are often clueless and remorseless.

So why try to maintain loyalty to a toxic family? I often wonder why. There are times when I advise a survivor to forgo a family
holiday or to avoid contact with a demeaning, demoralizing relative."

Source: http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/FAQ-Relationships-Toxic-Family-of-Origin.html

 

[Loner]

I'm confused about what your therapist has actually said. Hints are too vague, and can be misinterpreted. If your T does think cutting yourself means you still find your mother too powerful to handle, her emphasis might be less on the contact and more on working on your own power. I don't know, it could be slightly or completely different. I don't advise reacting to a perceived hint, though. You could possibly be putting a lot of energy into a line of thought that isn't there.

I'd suggest clarifying what your therapist thinks, and expressing to her what you think and feel. If your therapist does think sustained contact with your mother is a good idea and you don't, I think you need to discuss that. Otherwise, I don't really understand how you can work together. To me, the question seems to be more about your relationship with your therapist than your relationship with your mother.

After looking back at this thread, Id have to say I think this might be a strong possibility. Perhaps some conclusions were jumped to?

 

[Philippa]

This has helped me feel less guilty for escaping my family....

Me too...a LOT this has helped ease the guilt and turmoil.

"They cannot assert themselves effectively. I have thought of these families, or of individual family members, as "kryptonite." They are elements from a past life that rob one of his or her powers and make a survivor weak and vulnerable

This was my conclusion as well. I really tried everything. I didn't want to give up my family. There were lots of very good moments, and I had a loving childhood for the most part, but once you do start to get in touch with your feelings and realise they have unconsciously geared the dynamics towards keeping me disempowered and down, and then expect me to succeed at the same time...they are sabotaging it.

I found it the hardest thing in the world to assert myself, because of all the training to always be a "yes" person adn never say no. Once I got in touch with my true self, it becomes virtually impossible to survive in that environment AND stay true to yourself.

I took assertiveness classes as well...and at 37 I was finally able to tell my father exactly how I felt and that he was a disrespectful person who didn't deserve me for a daughter. 37 years just to be able to tell him what I naturally should have been able to say from the start, but couldn't because it's virtually impossible to while still in that environment. You need to get away to be able to see through the fog enough to realise that re-learning all the bad training you've received is necessary.

"So why try to maintain loyalty to a toxic family? I often wonder why. There are times when I advise a survivor to forgo a family
holiday or to avoid contact with a demeaning, demoralizing relative."

Source: http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/FAQ-Relationships-Toxic-Family-of-Origin.html

I think it's mainly emotional blackmail and the fear of being seen as "bad" for walking away.

It's not bad to walk away and honor yourself. It's bad of them to expect you to stay and put up with it.

 

[Wanda]

I have an awesome Counselor and Psychiatrist neither of them force me to talk about or tell me what decision to make about having contract with family. My father is dead and my mom now has senile dementia, she has no clue about the past. She is 84 years old is a cancer survivor. Today my sis was home visiting we met at the cemetary where dad is buried(my sis experienced molestation as well) my mom knew my husband but didn't know me.

There is no use confronting someone who doesn't even recognize you. I do however choose not to have any thing to do with cousins because they were some of the molesters. I just do not go to family get togethers I am not ready to confront the offenders yet. I keep a dairy of memories.

I just want the night mares to go away, so tired of relieving the past. I want to be back to the strong, unafraid person I used to be.

I agree with Philippa It's not bad to walk away and honor yourself. It is bad for you to stay and put up with it.