When To Say When

[Srain]

I have 2 appointments this morning and when I tried to reach out yesterday for some help it went badly. It's almost as though I had set it up this weekend to go bad for myself while having an episode by calling my mom. I was in the middle of a Migraine episode and it was the eye of the storm so I felt grrrrrreat! Not a good time to call her as she does not know how to handle that kind of thing, she regresses into her own issues about her mother but I was wired up and my husband was busy. After a Migraine I always go through more of a depressive episode due to brain chemistry disruption and this being a rough time for me anyway I just feel worse than I have.

I didn't call Monday but I tried yesterday as I have to have the nerve block today and she usually goes since I am physically sick for awhile afterwards. I let her know that I understood she was probably shaken by my call (this is nothing new to her and we have gone over it and over it, discussed it with complete clarity of how it would be handled, I get chatty, she gets unnerved, or I'm so depressed from the pain I want to die, etc.) and could we talk. She was extremely uncomfortable but pretended that things were just fine when they were not so I got off the phone. She called back an hour later, I didn't pick up (rare for me with her!), saying she had been cleaning the floor and blah blah blah nothing was true about it and she had just needed time to make up something up so she could pretend it was all ok.Rare for her to leave a message or to even call at that.

I may sound mean, I realize this, but my whole life was like this..let's pretend things aren't they way they are, daddy's not doing what he is, smile smile smile, I am cleaning, noooo, my arm's not broken..the house is clean so everything is fine, see??? It's all okay now, what is it dear?? It's not okay and it would be fine with me if she said that then we could go from there. I've told her that a million times and when she has we have been able to get somewhere so it's not like we haven't done it before and seen the results. It's not like I didn't give her time to think about it.

Anyway, I did it to myself. I drive everyone away and I just can't take anymore, I really can't. I have cut myself again, I'm so tired I can't even be disappointed in myself about that. Yesterday I cut big DNA on my chest. What is that??? I don't want to see my therapist this morning because I don't want to hear myself complain anymore, does that make sense? What a loser....

It's not fair, my mom probably has her own PTSD and I'm just being selfish and self-centered again. I sound like a child, what is wrong with me? I'm a grown woman and yet I end up at these times feeling so gone...where's all the work I've done

 

[cherryblossom]

All the work that you have done hasn't just disappeared. The work has still been done, and you are just having a rough few days. I say just, not to dismiss how you are feeling, but it will pass.

Yes, your Mother probably has her own issues, but to her you are still her little girl. It sounds like her way of trying to protect you, was to tell you that everything was fine, and she still hasn't broken that habit. Probably because it's second nature to her, and doesn't even realise she does it. And while your Mother still treats you as a child, it's not surprising that you feel like one.

But, the good part is, you are still putting the work in to help you to manage your PTSD - that's something you should be very proud of.

As for the cutting, perhaps when you are feeling a little more positive, you can come up with a plan of action to follow next time you feel the need to SH. I also have a verbal agreement with my Therapist that I won't self harm, while I'm still in therapy with her. Ok, I'll be honest, it doesn't always stop me, but it has certainly reduced the number of occasions where I would have, had it not been for our agreement.

The important thing is not to beat yourself up over what has happened over the last few day. It has gone and past - you can't change it. What you can do is assess all that has happened. Apportion any blame correctly. That's not just between you and your mother, but also how you reacted maybe due to pain or fear or whatever. Apologise to anyone, if appropriate, and work out better ways to deal with similar circumstances in the future.

None of us are perfect, and we may say or do things that we later regret. So long as we forgive ourselves, forgive others, and work out ways so that we don't keep making the same errors - - that's all we can do. We can't do any more than that.

Keep up the good work, and remember there we always be setbacks, but that's all they are - setbacks. And also remember that especially during these times to be nice to yourself. You deserve it. Lots of self nurture, healthy food, and some exercise, plus doing things you enjoy. A warm bubble bath, listening to music, watching a funny film, eating chocolate etc - please be nice to yourself :p

 

[ronin47]

Tripping and falling does not erase the miles you've already walked. Going through therapy for trauma does not erase the fact that you are human. Everytime I screw up, which I do do more than I'd even care to admit, I close my eyes and think of that session months ago when my therapist looked at me and said in a very matter-of-fact way, "You're going to make mistakes."

I struggled with self mutilation for several years. And a big part of recovering was realizing that when things go wrong in the world it's not necessarily, in fact, most of the time it's not my responsibility, it's not my fault.

It's not your fault either. You don't have to do that to yourself, you don't deserve that kind of pain. Get on the internet and immerse yourself in mindless videogames, watch a movie, listen to music and read a book. Do something that will allow you to mentally block out the world. Do that until the impulse passes. I was often told that therapy is two steps forward, one step back. Well, the reality I soon learned was more like two steps forward, three steps back. Even those who are not trauma survivors have their bad days, when they happen we just need to remember the things we look forward to, even if it's just crawling into bed.