Relationship When To Stop Support.

[Left Behind Spouse]

Thanks Anthony. He probably does know deep down it is him.

 

[Left Behind Spouse]

For him it will be workaholism and infatuation junkie. Everything that gets him validation. He hardly drinks, as he was abused by an alcoholic.

He calls what he is dealing with "operational stress" on a good day. On a bad day he says he is "damaged" but only for pity.

The best part is he has to pass a psych eval to do what he does for work. :) And he did. Maybe not this year though.

 

[anthony]

You would be surprised how easy it is to pass a psych eval, unless the psychiatrist has prior knowledge of behaviour. Even then... people lie and give the answers they know are right to see them pass. They're often a little obvious... thus people get away with faking PTSD and other mental illnesses from assessment only.

 

[anthony]

He probably does know deep down it is him.

Maybe. Maybe not. It took me years to stop blaming others, and that was deeply engrained. It took me to change to see my own problems in my past.

 

[Left Behind Spouse]

His mother is exactly the same. She did MUCH damage to both her children and refuses to take responsibility.

He knows all about PTSD as he is ex-military. He's done a few tours which adds to the layers of trauma.

I think his worst fear right now is having to remember his childhood.

I will remain sad for him, and distantly hope he buries his pride and gets help.

 

[The Albatross]

Can anyone tell me what I can expect if I pull out as support unless he gets help?

When setting a boundary and initiating change, the boundary will be tested. Usually a whole lot of angst ensues, which can include attempts to manipulate with guilt/shame/blame. But if you elect to withdraw your support and refocus your life on the well being of yourself and your children, and enforce the boundary one of two things will happen.

Either the person will begin the process of adapting to the change in the relationship, or they will receive a consequence of their own behavior and rigidity as they escalate their insistence that you resume providing the role you accepted before.

In either case, the burden of the choice becomes his. Not yours. His actions and reactions will be his own. It is not pretty and is very messy to extricate one's self from a codependent role. But it can be done provided the boundary is applied consistently and reinforced diligently. What occurs to him, well that's his choice.

 

[Left Behind Spouse]

Thank you Albatross. I feel ready to be consistent with this.

He is only 34, so he has a long road ahead.

 

[The Albatross]

If you are ready to set and enforce a boundary around yourself and your shared children, and you have allowed yourself adequate time for self examination, and a support network (always helpful for when resolve buckles - and it will), initiate and enforce the change. Reinforce that the need for self protection and security overrides his want's, needs, and desires and that above all the welfare and modeling of appropriate behavior and problem solving techniques of and for the children are paramount. That is the trump card that takes it away from personal preferences where there is children.

I didn't have a trump card. It was harder. The first husband still "loves" me for God's sake, but I enforce my preference and my boundary.

 

[Left Behind Spouse]

"Basically, when he can't have you, chances are he will then want you. He won't really, he will just want some control, some support, something from you that he is used to, but really has no idea what he wants."

Anthony, this is what I have been living since April 29th.

 

[Justmehere]

Often, when someone set a boundary, the other person pushed back in one way or another and isn't very happy about it. He may lash out at you, he may pine away for you, he may figure that this is what he deserves in some kind of twisted way... But none of those reactions would make the boundary bad for you or him.

Sometimes the best thing you can do for a sufferer is to tell them to knock it off and get help, or I am leaving. When someone said that to me, it was the kick in the pants I needed and the most loving thing they could do. It was also very healthy for them.

 

[Left Behind Spouse]

Thanks JMH.
I told him via email yesterday that we will have no personal relationship until he gets help.

My reasoning is two fold, and as simple as I can't heal from losing my husband while he's constantly manipulating me and lying.

Our house is for sale, so he visits the kids here. It's awkward.

Tonight, he tried to initiate any kind of small talk possible. I can't deal.

I told him tonight that he still hasn't responded regarding the divorce paperwork. He said he wants to "talk" first. Our talks get us nowhere because he is so confused? ???

Anyway, when I questioned why talk?? He wallowed and peeled outta here.

Hence where we are at today.

 

[Justmehere]

:hug: You are making good decisions in the middle of a terribly heartbreaking situation. He choose to not get help, to physically leave the house, to not go to counseling, and then to start seeing someone else and essentially cheat on you. He may very well feel confused inside, but his actions are sending a pretty clear message. He's probably trying to lessen his guilt by wanting to "talk," but frankly, a bit of guilt may do him good. Good job to you for shutting down the nonsense. So sorry you are going through this.