When what you know... doesn't feel real

[Reflections]

Are there things you know are truth, but it doesn't feel real at times so you doubt or deny it's true? How do you deal with those moments? If you're comfortable doing so could you share your stories?

This year I've come to accept some realities about myself, such as having parts and that I'm transgender in some degree. Even though there is evidence of these realities, there are times I question them or don't feel it's true.

Like when parts don't come out for awhile, I'll wonder if it was really parts at all or if I was exaggerating. I wanted to go to a transgender support group but later felt like I didn't need to go because didn't feel transgender or something? Someone online asked what my gender was yesterday so I told people what my pronouns were (which I knew was most accurate for me and my parts) but I felt so disconnected I felt I was lying. I'm trying to live with and deal with these realities but then I seem to dissociate from it all.

 

[Powder]

I feel like there's more than one reason for this derealization. One, trauma survivors tend to feel like an imposter. Why? IDK.

Two. Until we act on feelings, they don't feel real. We stay in denial.

Three. Dissociation. Period. In all forms.

Four. Being lied to forever by supposedly authority figures, in many cases. What's my truth? How do I assert it in the face of deniers?

Five. It doesn't feel safe to let the real self or sides out to be hurt, possibly, or even rejected again.

Six. Fear and triggers, Avoidance.

Seven. Fatigue. It takes energy to think, reframe, and change.

Eight. I'm used to being like this. I'm a victim, not a creator. Cognitive Distortion.

Nine. Being surrounded by others in the same boat. Who leads us out of the darkness?

Ten. What is the cost benefit analysis results? IDK. There's no guarantee that doing the work will work. But No doing will surely not work.

All I'm saying is that this isn't easy. Giving ourselves grace comes first. Then, moving towards a new perspective with support comes next. Safety. Safety. S