When Will I Learn!! Help Me!!

[ladybug08]

Robbed,

Please take care. My prayers are with you.

lady

 

[lrs]

I absolutely hate it, that this has happened to you, it just makes me sick.
This piece of shit, this filthy maggot infested "thing" needs to be behind bars, facing the full consequences of his actions. If I had any power, he would WANT to be in a nice safe jail cell.
I am relieved that you are in a safe place, please take every advantage of the resources available to you.
You did nothing wrong, you did not invite this on yourself, this is not your fault.

 

[brokenchild]

Thinking of you and hoping things are getting better, if only a little.

 

[Robbed]

Thanks everyone,
I finally got alittle sleep. To answer the question from void yes the bleed in my brain will reslove by itself and I don't have any odeama that they need to be concerned with. They think that the reason I am unsteady on my feet is that they have found a huge bruise on my hip ( in the shape of a boot) I can't remember when he did this but I have had an xray and nothing is broken. Thanks for asking.
This morning all the nursing staff came in together to talk to me (8) they all express how they felt about this situation, yes some cried but I undestand that they are sad for me after all the work I have done with them in exposure therapy that I have to deal with this. They have told me that they know that I am socially isolated and they will be my support while I am in hospital and after I am discharged. They have set up a plan that I can call into the hospital night or day just to catch up. What a wonderful caring lot of girls. Today I feel blessed that people care. Today I can say "I have been through this before and I survived, this time it will be easier because I have help"
Thankyou to everyone who have sent me words of encouragement I look frequently at this when the black hole is getting bigger. It helps nme to climb out again.
Robbed

 

[void]

:smile:Robbed,

How are you today? May I ask what the police are saying at this point?
I am glad you have such wonderful nurses!
:Hug_emoticon::Hug_emoticon::Hug_emoticon::Hug_emoticon:
Void

 

[Robbed]

Void apparently when I finally got to sleep I cried in my sleep. My T has told me he has put the police on hold at the moment until I am physically better. They have my phone and have traced who he is, I have not given them permission to go any further with this. I have had a bad experience with the police once before and have huge trust issues with them. Once before 4 years ago I was mugged while reading a book down at the beach although I had not been raped I had fractured ribs and a black eye, I was asked if I had done anything to encourage him and they made me feel like it was my fault. Imagine what they would say he they knew I had invited this bastard in for coffee. What if they didn't believe me this time.
Anyway I still feel frantic inside, I feel if I let it out it may never stop.
Headache still there, bruising on my hip getting blacker. Only had 10 showers yesterday which is better than the day before.
Thank you for inquiring how I am, I still remain glued to this site for encouragement, I hope you can all understand how important you are to me.
Thanks again
Robbed

 

[2quilt]

I completely understand your feelings about police, Robbed. I was sexually assaulted at the Veteran's Admin hospital by an employee and the police refused to take the evidence that would have put that guy in jail for a federal crime. They were friends with the guy, so he still touches patients every day; his jib was never in jeopardy. i don't trust police either.

If you do decide to get the police involved, make sure they send female cops to your house and tell the females exactly why you dont trust them; they will fully understand your feelings! They live this job and they know first hand about discrimination and how women who have been sexually assaulted feel about police in general.

Can you move somewhere else so you can get away from him? Can you find out if the perp has a criminal record or history of accusations? Can your landlord make him move out (If you live in the same complex)?

Keep telling yourself that you did nothing wrong in this situation. He took advantage of your sweetness and generosity. You are not at fault in this one bit. I felt the same way as you do now when I was assaulted. What could I have done to prevent it? Nothing because he pre-meditated his attack on me. He set the scene so that I could not get away from him and nobody would hear me call for help.

In many sexual assaults, the perps pre-mediatate the situation so that they won't get caught and so that you will agree to see them, be close to them, sometimes at night when few people are around, or in my case, when the hospital was shut down for a long holiday. (I had a broken ankle, so when he took my cast off, I could not run away). The perp is someone we trusted, someone we didn't think would cause us harm, but we were wrong.

You and I did nothng wrong. It's so easy to blame ourselves, that's what we do automatically. But we did nothing to provoke this, we did not ask to be hurt. Those men are predators.
So many of us on this forum have had this same experience as you. At all ages. We are survivors, not victims.

I hope you get therapy very soon and I hope that you do whatever you feel is necessary to help yourself heal.

 

[Rivergirl]

Robbed it sounds like you have some great supports at the hospital----I am so glad you are there with them and not by yourself. We are all thinking of you here on the forum, glad you're staying in touch, and wish you healing, a little bit more every day, piece by piece. I think of you sometimes even when I am not at my computer and wonder how you are doing.

What a great observation that you have been through this before and survived and you will survive this too. I totally agree. You have not made it through your life so far without a core of inner strength that cannot be broken. Everything else may feel stripped away, but there is something inside that no one can break.

I find such comfort and "home" (the only "home" I've ever felt) in nature. I live on a river, near a lake, and autumn is slowly coming. It has cooled down a bit but there is still bright sunshine today, and the voice of the wind plays in the trees. Wild geese are flying low in the vast marsh between my house and the lake. They are not going south yet so I think it is the grown babies practising their formations and getting stronger for the journey. I love feeling that I am living amongst the vast cycle of life and the seasons----a part of the changes of the land and the eternity of the stars. When everything in my life seems to be chaos or my brain feels like it is spinning and I can't sort anything out, I go out by the lake for a long walk sometimes, and just try and empty my mind and heart and feel the eternal stones, and sky, and waves on the shore. Even if everything in me is churning, their solidity is a comfort. So I am sending you the wonderful energy of this beautiful day, just outside the window beside me at my computer, and wishing you peace and endurance. :Hug_emoticon:

Rivergirl

 

[Robbed]

thanks for reminding me. I have done alot of imagery work and have found in the past that I can comfort myself by placing myself in the centre of a lotus flower and letting the petals fold around me to protect me from the world.

It is amazing how you seem to know what I need to be reminded of. I will go and practice this again - I am sure it may help me heal so I can speak again.

Another thing I have noticed that I have not reverted to dissociating as much this time as I have this forum to help me stay on track and the nursing staff that help to keep me grounded.

I am managing hour at a time at the moment and haven't thought about going home or facing this person again. I heard the nurses talking in the corridor and they said the police had been to his house and it was empty. Maybe or hopefully he has moved away from me. I still need to be strong enough to let the police find him so he won't hurt anyone else.
Thanks again
Robed

 

[Robbed]

Just an update

Hi all,
Thought I would update you on my day. My T spend 2 hours with me this morning. I spent the whole time in tears. Still unable to speak but my T said not to rush it that it will happen when I a ready. At least I have been able to cry.
One thing I found hard to understand is that my T told me how he reacted to this episode ( see I still can't say the word), he said he was so angry that I had been hurt again that he went to one of his colleagues to talk it through with him. He told me this so I could understand that it is OK to feel angry. he explained the nurses had to be debriefed by him . It seems so unnatural that they should care what happens to me. I don't understand that emotion.
Anyway I will work on that until I feel comfortable. I have so much to learn when it comes to the correct emotion. I have been told it comes from by distorted childhood.
I have just tried to speak again to my nurse there is so much I would like to say but still nothing.
Robbed :hello:
My headache has gone and I have been allowed to have analgesic for the pain in my hip and head.
Things will get better today I have a brighter outlook.
Please keep in touch everyone
Robbed

 

[void]

:hello:Robbed,

Healing tears, the process has begun. Your T is right your speech will return in time. I also feel anger that you were hurt again. You deserve peace not pain.

Sometimes victims of SA are ordered to not tell anyone about the assault. Is it possible that this piece of shit told you to not speak about the attack? Some children are threaten by their molesters to not tell or their attacker will come back and hurt them or do something else. Some people have kept things secret for years because of these threats. Food for thought:think:

I think of you often am sending the energy of healing your way.:smile:

:Hug_emoticon:Hugs from Void:Hug_emoticon:

 

[Rivergirl]

Hi all,
One thing I found hard to understand is that my T told me how he reacted to this episode ( see I still can't say the word), he said he was so angry that I had been hurt again that he went to one of his colleagues to talk it through with him. He told me this so I could understand that it is OK to feel angry. he explained the nurses had to be debriefed by him . It seems so unnatural that they should care what happens to me. I don't understand that emotion.

Hi again Robbed----what a step forward that you got a lot of emotion out by being able to cry with your therapist. You expressed with emotions what you cannot put into words. :thumbs-up

I spent about 15 years doing crisis counselling of one kind or another, in a women's shelter, a suicide crisis line, and a women's jail. Many times listening to people's stories I could feel the tears welling up, and when I was on the crisis lines I allowed a few of them to plop on the desk as I listened. Many times. People's stories are so touching, and their struggle to overcome what they've been through is inspiring. Often I felt outraged at how they had been treated, and angry at the people who had hurt them. Your therapist and nurses are emotional over what has happened to you because they are human, and they care. Maybe this is a difficult fact for you to accept if you haven't had a lot of nurturing in your life----I know it would be the same for me. I'm actually not very comfortable with people caring about me. I tend to dismiss it and not really believe it. It's okay for me to care about other people and be the "giver", but not okay for others to care about or give to me.

Take it as a sign that people think you are worth something, and that they feel deeply for what you have been through. They care about you, and we care about you. You and your therapist and nurses and friends on this forum are in this together.

:kiss:

Rivergirl