When You Look Like Your Nemesis, What Do You Do?

[notsurewheretoturn]

Each day when I look in the mirror I'm reminded how much I look like my mother, not someone I ever want to be reminded of.

Every therapsit and counsellor I've spoken too has always said the same thing - "she did the best she could at being a mother." That I cannot agree with, she mentally and emotionally tortured me for years, even into adulthood, made sure that I was unwanted by any other member of the family, and even tried to separate me from my father - the one person who did want and like me for me. Yet all the time she was doing this, in public she played the doting mother. Only her friends saw through it, even on occassions reminding her that she had two children, not just my older sister.

And now every time I look in the mirror I'm reminded of her. But short of plastic surgery - not something I can either afford, or like the thought of - what can I do?

 

[Deleted member 27340]

I went through pretty much the same, your story hit me...

I also look like my mother. Not much, but enough that it hurts. I simply changed my hair, making me look different.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I have the same problem -I actually look a lot like both my mother and my dad, both people I don't want to resemble.
What I do, is focus on what separates me from them. What is different about me, not only in physical but also in personality traits?

And then I start to sum up everything that is different about me. It's a pretty big list. I put it next to the stuff where I resemble my parents. And it's okay, because I see that the things in which I resemble my parents, don't "make me like my parents". They make me more me :)

Other than that, agree with Trauma, small differences in exterior will already make you look different. I tried changing my eyebrows (it worked), adding earrings, wearing different clothes... etc.

 

[digger]

Focus on building up your own self and on the things that make you different from your parents - not so much physically, as you've said yourself, there are limits to what you can do about that, but on how you are different personality wise.

I think as you begin to feel better about yourself, you will see more of yourself in the mirror looking back. Are you in therapy at the moment? I wonder if you are quite focused, even subconsciously, in thinking about your mum at the moment and this makes it harder - in the short term at least.

 

[notsurewheretoturn]

Thanks all, helps to know I'm not alone in this.

I am not in therapy at the moment, I recently moved house so have had to sign on with a different GP, one who is less than sympathetic and I know that there is a really long waiting list for therapy here, it takes me 3 weeks just to get to see my doctor.

 

[RussH]

I have read several fictional books where the main character's last name is dispised because of what their father, or family has done. So the main character wakes up everyday with the idea of changing people's perception of the name.

They could just change their name, but choose, rather, to change how people perceive the name.

So every morning when you look in the mirror, don't see all the negatives your mother did, but see how you are changing the image in the mirror to a much more positive person.

You may look like your mom, but you are not her, and one day when your kids look in the mirror and see their mom, they will smile.

 

[Spiderallis]

Have you thought about hair dye? It's a big impact at a fairly low cost if you get the do-it-yourself at home kit. Something like plucking your brows a certain way might help to downplay the resemblance too. Overall I think the suggestions to 'make it your own' are the best ideas, but a little aesthetic change might make it easier to work on that.

 

[Notsowild]

I look like the female version of my father ( my abuser). Whenever I go back to where I lived as as a child everyone recognizes me because of this. That's one of the reasons I'd never live there and hardly ever visit. As for looking like him it doesn't bother me much. I know I'm not like him at all.

 

[shell]

I hate looking in the mirror and the older I get, the more I look like my abuser (mother). I recently talked on Skype to an Uncle who is my mothers brother, and the first thing that came out of his mouth was I was her spitting image, and I even sounded like her. I was so horrified I swore, and asked my husband if I really sound like her as well, which given her English accent to my Aussie accent sounded ridiculous. Thankfully we don't have that in common.

It feels like an insult to look like the person who you can't stand to think about, about let alone see. I can really sympathise. Changing my hair hasn't helped, although I will never cut it short like hers was.

I still have close contact with an aunt who also looks very similar to her and if I close my eyes and listen, it could be her talking, thankfully she is nothing like her. It's very triggering.

 

[Friday]

I am my nemesis... And I've changed both my appearance and name from time to time.

There are dozens of inexpensive, non-permanent changes which drastically alter appearance. YouTube has a lot of really phenom makeup artists giving tutorials these days (one of my favorites is an Asian girl who can go from anime princess to Angelina Jolee. Can't remember her name.)

You can really alter the appearance of bone structure in your face with makeup, feature color (from western tanning products to eastern bleaching products, to eye color with contacts, to hair color with dye).

One of the really fascinating changes is that Americans hold their eyebrows about 1/5th of an inch higher than Europeans. I actually have Permenant creases in my forehead because I hold my brows there on purpose, since my childhood was spent overseas... The tiny muscles which "hold" eyebrow location without trying developed to hold hem lower.

Haircut shape also really dramatically alters face shape. Most basically cuts frame either your eyes, cheeks, mouth/jaw, chin, or neck. Or you can style severely back, which pulls skin taut.

Also, a lot of physical work will change your posture, gait/stride, & body shape (slender, athletic, robust, fluffy).

I'd love to say that it never really mattered, that wherever I went, there I was. But for me, anyway, that simply wasn't true. Not only do other people react differently to how we present ourselves, but we also tend to react differently to how we present ourselves.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Everytime I look in the mirror I see my toxic grandmother and my highly toxic sister and I just hate looking at myself so I can relate.

I am nothing like them. I dye my hair and I dress different and do my nails. I never put on make up because my abusive mother always wore make up.

I am trying to learn to just accept the facts that I look like them. Thinking of them makes me feel sick to my stomach and I did not used to look like them but as I age I see the resemblance. Sorry I do not have a way to offer you help. I try not to look in the mirror too much. I have pictures on the wall when I was younger and they make me feel better. I wish you the best with this problem. I understand what you are going through and my heart goes out to you.

 

[Go Hungry]

There's a lot you can do. @FridayJones really nailed it. Haircuts, dyes and eyebrow plucking/painting go a long way. And contacts would probably be off great help, since people spend more time than they think looking at their eyeballs in the mirror. Particularly if you go with brown instead of green/blue; or the opposite, depending on what colour they are naturally. And adding or losing a little bit of weight can go a long way, if you're into that. Plus all these things are easily reversible.